Alright, I know I have suspiciously absent from blogging for the last few months. At first, it was just the business of having friends and family coming to visit and hitting the slopes during any down time we had, but then that reason changed. On February 13th, Kevin and I found out that we are expecting our first child.We kept the news mostly to ourselves until week 8 and decided that after we told our family, we wouldn't put anything online until we reached our second trimester (when the risk of miscarriage is greatly reduced).
Baby's first rattle- From my mom
13 weeks
We have had our first ultrasound and our due date has been set for October 19th. It is hard to believe that we will have a baby before the holidays even hit. (If you didn't know, Kevin and I had decided to stop preventing children at the new year and had thus expected to it take the average 3-6 months to get pregnant. Instead it took less than 45 days). Kevin declared it as a boy the first night we found out while I wasn't feeling either way. I still really don't feel any one way, but when we first saw baby moving and playing on the ultrasound, I said, "Wow! Look at him." So we shall see. Neither of us are really hoping one way to another, but I think it is fun to try to guess. We have every intention of finding out the sex at our 20 week appointment.
Assorted books- from my mom
Book from Aunt Heather
The Army has been both frustrating and extremely helpful during this time. I didn't have my first appointment until week 8 and that was just an intake appointment (no ultrasound, just some lab work and family history) and I had my first ultrasound in week 11. The Army is pretty good about not doing an unnecessary testing (unlike a regular physician who can get away with charging insurance companies for extra ultrasounds that don't really have a purpose) which is both good and frustrating. Naturally, I would have wanted to see baby much earlier, but at the same time, I appreciate the idea of not indulging everyone of my wants. I have also been going to pregnancy physical training instead of my normal unit PT. This includes one day a week of prenatal yoga, one day of pool PT, two days of either cardio or light weight training and one day of classes. The classes are taught my nurses and midwives that cover a range of topics from how STDs can affect pregnancy and delivery to nutrition to delivery methods. It really helps that instead of having a bunch of extra appointments during the day, most of our education occurs during our regular hours and I know that if I have a question, I will see a nurse that week (though with my step mom and best friend both being doctors, I normally just text one of them when I have a question).
Soft ducky- from my mom
For those wondering, and since I have already been asked, this doesn't change anything about me being in the Army. I got pregnant with every intention of staying in. Technically, my commitment is up next May, but I plan on staying in past that at this point. Yes, I can get out of the Army now that I am pregnant but no, I am not planning to. Even if I change my mind after baby's here, (which I know some of you may be hoping for) I will at least stay in until next May and fulfill the commitment I first made. Kevin and I timed it this way so that we would almost be forced to try and make things work with us both working. I am not the type of person to quit because something is tough, but I will quit if I decide this is something I don't want to do anymore. If I am being perfectly honest, I cannot imagine that I won't want to be in the Army after baby is here. I love my job and though I am
Baby's first piggy bank- from my mom
sure I could find success elsewhere, I appreciate the structure and responsibility that doesn't exist outside our military. If I am not in the Army, I will probably be a stay at home mom, at least for a while. So, the question will be "do I want to be at home with baby more than I want to be in the Army?" At this point, Kevin and I are planning on me being in until 2017/18. If plans change, they change. If I go for twenty years, then awesome. If I decided I am done after my four, then so be it.
Baby's first ducky- from my mom
As far as my first trimester of pregnancy, I started getting morning sickness at week five and by week six, I had already moved into nausea with vomiting. I have experienced a few other symptoms too (congestion, nose bleeds, fatigue, cravings, food aversions and pretty much everything in between too) and that has changed some things around our house. For instance, I haven't been cooking much and Kevin has had to do some of the grocery shopping. But things are slowly returning back to normal. In fact, yesterday we hiked 12 miles to the top of a mountain and back (about 4500 ft in elevation change). I plan on continuing to hike, but I am not sure that we will be doing any more mountain climbing as I get bigger (mostly because of the risk of falling on the snow and ice that is still up around the 10,000 ft mark). We cut our ski season short this year in part because of the risk of falling (not much for me), but more because the morning sickness pretty much killed any desire I had to get up early and be in a car for two and a half hours. The only weird food things have been that for the first time in my life I don't want anything to do with vegetables (which I normally love) and have only really been able to do raw carrots and I haven't really wanted chocolate (super weird for me). I have craved McDonald's (so weird!) and Chipotle (not surprising!).
Kevin and I hiking
Bible- from my mom
Kevin and I have only bought a couple of things for baby. The first is a bag I intend to use as a diaper bag. I bought it during a thirty-one benefit party for Caring-for-Carter. I bought a bag called the city weekender (may look small in the pic but it is definitely a bag for an adult with enough room for a couple of changes of clothes, etc.). I figured it was perfect since I didn't really need or want a new purse, and this is the type of thing I can use on weekend trips after baby doesn't need a diaper bag anymore. The second item we bought is a play yard. We decided to buy this early since our 8 month old niece will be staying with us in a couple of weeks and we didn't have any place for her to stay. We pretty much went with the most expensive model because it packs compactly and will be perfect for our trips back to Illinois. It has a removable bassinet with a stand, a changing table, storage under the changing table area, a raised bassinet and then the normal play pen for when baby gets bigger. I sent my sister-in-law a picture to let her know we have a place for our niece to sleep and she told me that her and her husband were planning on getting us a pack in play as a gift so that they could use it during their visit! I just had to laugh that we had the exact same idea, I was just faster at ordering. Also bought were onesies to announce we were expecting to aunts and uncles, and some bottles, blankets, jammies and a toy to tell my mom. But none of those things are here with me and I don't have pictures, sorry.
Baby's first onesie- from Michelle
We have also had a few people already starting to buy baby gifts. My friend Michelle technically got the first baby gift (but she was also told early as I felt horribly guilty. I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding on October 18th and baby is due the next day!) Naturally, since we met in college, she bought baby's first Illini gear. My mom came in second with a silver rattle, a duck toy (we are going pond themed for the nursery since it is gender neutral), and a piggy bank. Since then, I only know of one toy that has been bought by my mom and a bunch of books. My mom and sister have made it their mission to create baby's library.
Alright everyone. This is it. I am going home. Many of you have asked if I know when. The answer to that is yes, but I cannot share it. I can share after we have moved, but will not be able to tell you our next movement dates or times of anything like that. Once I get back into the U.S. will be a different story, but for now, just know that within the next week or so, I will be home! So here it is, my last post and the end of this part of my journey.
Playing volleyball in our free time...
Mental: I am having some frustrations in this department honestly. I have not completed my second black belt project because I am still waiting to receive my data. This is through no fault of my own and I can honestly say that I have no grand appreciation for the speed at which contractors move. However, I did have an interview last Friday with a Brigadier General and have been officially endorsed to go to school and certify as a Lean Six Sigma Master Black Belt. Unfortunately, we are still awaiting the exam results to go with it, so once we get the score key (a huge debacle because of the furlough), my qualifying exam will be scored and I will submit my packet. Then there are about 5,000 more hurdles to go, but I plan on just taking them as they come. Lord willing, I have a tremendous amount of potential in this area.
Physical: As you already now, I received the highest score possible on my Army Physical Fitness Exam just a couple of weeks ago (a 300). My other goal of the six pack... well... I guess I will call it success. I don't need to flex for it to be visible, but I am not seeing a lot of definition. It's probably from all the ice cream I eat. Regardless, I am at the lowest weight I have been in the last four years or so and am overall happy with the way I look and feel (even though I was also happy before). I still intend to try to keep up the momentum when I get back and keep my run time down.
Can you tell I am not very good?
Financial: Well, my stocks have been up and down this week. Both of my stocks have been near or surpassed their 52 week highs this week and then have dropped back down into a respectable range. I am still planning on holding onto them. I'm not the most financially savvy person I know, but both stocks are looking pretty strong and are significantly higher than what I bought them at. Hopefully I don't forget about the too much once I am back stateside.
Seriously though, I had no idea what I was doing.
Emotional: This is a weird one in preparation for coming home. People don't seem to understand that going home for a Soldier is in some ways, more difficult than leaving. We train and prepare to leave but don't do much for coming back. I haven't been alone or had a day off since I got here. Going home, living with my husband, having to cook for myself and grocery shop and pick out clothes and drive myself around are all going to be transitions for me to get back into the hang of things. I might never be alone here, but I haven't had to share my life with anybody either. There is no one I had to talk to and take care of at the end of the day. This is not to say at all that I am not completely excited to come home, because I really am, but it is a forewarning that this is a transition for me. Getting back into a schedule will take time and patience. On a somewhat similar note, I have been praying recently that God would help me fall more in love with my husband than I have ever been before. This has been my constant pray over the last week and I can already feel it being answered. I cannot wait to get back to my love, my groom, my companion, my husband. To see him, to touch him, to be touched by him, to speak with him freely, to sleep next to him, to be with him... I cannot wait.
Spiritual: How good are you at being still? As in Psalm 46:10 "'Be still and know that I am God'..." I am not very good at being still. I have had issues being still my whole life. Call it ADHD, call it hyperactive, call it over-thinking, over-analytical... Whatever name you want to give it. I don't think I have ever truly been still. And honestly, I am not sure I know any women (or even men) who have told me they figured this one out. We seem hard-wired for multi-tasking and calming chaos in our homes. Our jobs and our lives seem to never demand stillness. I used to even confuse stillness with laziness, but have since realized that it is actually the opposite. But I digress. Let me first say that my to do list for getting home is a mile long. I am trying to get into school for my Lean Six Sigma Master Black belt, I am running against the clock to get a new job, the cabinets in our kitchen need redone, I want to build a green house and start a garden (some day down the road I want to have chickens and some day further after that, I want to try bee keeping), I want to do some minor landscaping in the back yard, plant some trees and bushes, buy a gun, get my concealed carry license, build new shelves in our closet, continue building a multi-media server for our house, create a planter outside my bay window, create cushions to sit in the bay window, potentially add a shower to our downstairs bathroom, build a fire pit, go to Illinois, go on vacation to Mexico, learn French and get LASIK. Now, these are things I am thinking about for my next year home, but you can see that I have a lot of plans in front of me. And I was nearly giddy trying to pick which one I wanted to tackle first (and when I say one, I mean a minimum of 3 because that's how I operate). I haven't had a day off on this deployment and if I am not running around doing something, I am sleeping or talking about the next thing I am working on.
So you can probably see now where the Holy Spirit intervened as a blessing to my dear husband (who was probably overwhelmed by my planning). Still is not my forte. Still is not watching t.v. or going for a walk. It is literally still. It is stopping the mind from wandering and planning, stopping my mouth from moving and just living at peace. Others might call it meditation or clearing the mind, but really it's stillness. And we don't really get any of this as a culture. Stillness is most clear to me in my understanding of God's command to take a Sabbath. Rest. Be still. Remember God's still got this. I used to think that still was passive, mostly because that helped justify my lack of being still. Then I realized how active a task it is. Ask a five year old (or me for that matter) to sit still. See how long that lasts. It is a rather arduous chore. Better yet, I can't seem to truly clear my mind for more than a minute at a time. But I bet if I worked on stillness that time would get longer. If you read Psalm 46, you see that our God is very active. It is in our stillness that we can see that it not us, but He who is running it all. It is in our stillness that we come to know God. Knowing God is being able to see Him, His heart, and His movement in our lives. If I am always moving, I confuse myself into thinking that everything is my doing. It's my "thanks God, but clearly I've got this one," kind of moments. My activity causes me to get distracted by MY thoughts and MY actions and MY works in MY time. Stillness is a time to reflect on GOD's thoughts and GOD's actions and GOD's works in GOD's time. I am my own biggest distraction from God. I create a whole world of distractions that I call "productive" "necessary" "useful" "important" etc. So instead, when I get home, I am going to focus my time on learning to be still first and incorporating that into my Sabbath's and my every day life. One thing I do know, if I can't figure out how to be still as a wife, I am really going to struggle to figure it out once we have kids. I am ready to be still and know that He is God.
Alright, so I am a few days late. This was kind of intentional, as I didn't want to post on my birthday, which was Sunday. I turned 25 and as you might imagine, it was really just another day in Bagram. It was a normal Sunday, in that I got up, video chatted with Kevin, had the morning off, went to lunch, then work then church after dinner. Unfortunately, we had a rocket attack that night that was probably the first one that actually scared me, but at least it happened after midnight and not technically on my birthday. Aside from that, it rained on my birthday, which is the first time I have seen rain since June (it technically rained for a few minutes last week, but I didn't know it was happening, so I didn't see it). But all in all, it was a regular day in Afghanistan. So here goes another post for Afghanistan, knowing I should be home in just a few weeks.
Physical: No new updates on this one, and there probably won't be much the rest of my time here. Now that I have maxed my APFT, my fitness goals are pretty much complete. I am probably in better shape than I have been in a long time, but I have never really been out of shape so that isn't saying much. The goal now is to maintain when I get back, and that will be very difficult when I am back to the land of good food.
Financial: So there isn't a ton new to report here. I did learn something new the other day though. Basically I learned that if I hold onto my stocks for under a year, I am taxed on my gains in my current bracket (25%) but if I hold onto them more than a year, they will be taxed at 15%. So I think I am going to try to hold onto both my stocks for the next year if I can. And since I am getting so close to going home, I think I will even share what those stocks are. One of them is Home Inns & Hotel Management Inc (HMIN) and Yandex (YNDX) which is basically the Russian version of Google. Both are doing well for me and looking pretty strong.
Mental: So Lean Six Sigma is going well. I am working on a second black belt project right now that basically covers proper planning within the Army. Overall, I am showing that proper use of Army planning and design models paired with Lean Six Sigma can save the Army a lot of money compared to just picking projects not aligned with already set planning efforts. My second project is going to help me get certified in Lean Six Sigma on the civilian side, since I already have my certification all settled on the military side. This is also going to help me pursue my Master black belt. Really, in the next week or so, I need to brief a General Officer from our division my path and plan for certification. If he approves it, then I will be going to school for it next year, most likely. If not, then it is dead in the water and I will just maintain my black belt.
Emotional: So this one has been pretty good. Life has been pretty easy going recently and I am very thankful for that. I am also very happy that my replacement is here and we are officially starting our change over training. She is catching on quickly and I think that change over process should be pretty seamless. Once the new unit officially takes over in a couple of weeks, we will start heading home. I think during that time of travel, I will be doing some automatic blog posts. I am planning on doing a "stuff I learned on this deployment" post. I am working on it now and am just debating whether I should break it up into a miniseries, or keep it all together. Once I have everything written out, I will probably decide which to go with. Honesty, I have learned a lot while I have been here. Things haven't been easy, but I know that I have learned a lot from the experience.
Spiritual: So I have been continuing in prayer and reading. In my prayer life, I have been praying very consistently for certain individuals throughout the deployment. I am not seeing any sort of answer to that prayer, but I am glad to have stuck by a spiritual discipline for over 200 days. In my reading, Kevin and I caught up to where we intended to be. We started reading through the bible chronologically in March and it is broken up over a year period. So back in July, we decided to read two passages a day until we got caught up to the right day. Oddly enough, it just so happened to work out that we were caught up on my birthday. We enjoyed reading so much, we decided to continue doing two-a-days. Which should have us done before the end of November.
Picture of my puppies at bed time. Can't wait to get home.
Alright everyone, so here is my 23rd post from Afghanistan and I should be back home in the next 4-5 weeks or so! It's very exciting to know that I have less than a month left in country. I cannot believe that it is already here and I cannot wait to get home to my wonderful husband and cute puppies. The closer I get to coming home, the more Kevin and I have started planning and preparing for what the next year or so might look like. It is getting me very excited to come home! So here is my 23rd update, per my usual style.
Financial: So, I still haven't sold either of my stocks, but that is because they are both doing very well from what I originally bought them at. I actually surpassed a rather big land mark this week with them as I have officially made more than 50% on my original investment. Right now, I am hovering around 55% and intend to hold both stocks for awhile. The one's next earnings report comes out late in October and the other one's will come out in early November. I plan on paying closer attention to them around that time, but both are looking like they will continue to go up over time. And thankfully, with both of them, they are high enough that it is very doubtful they will fall so fast that I cannot sell off quickly. I have alerts set up through my bank to let me know whenever they drop or gain significantly, so it makes it easier and I don't have to watch them.
Physical: Today I took my PT test and I scored a perfect 300. So that is another goal achieved. Unfortunately, my run time wasn't what I wanted, but I screwed up my routine and threw myself off. I decided to do one of my protein and green drinks. The protein was a great call, but the green stuff was a terrible idea. Even though I took it nearly two hours before my run, it didn't feel like it digested at all. I got to the turn around making great time, but on the way back (about the 1.5 mile mark) I started to feel like I was going to throw up. So I slowed down a little bit and told myself to hold it in until I crossed the finish line. Which I did, but I added about 20 seconds to my time from the previous. I need to continue working on my run time's because Colorado's elevation is about 2,000 ft higher than here. I think working on the incline as well as working out during lunch times once I get back should help with that. I did manage to get my 46 push ups and 100 sit ups though. So, all in all, I can't complain. Plus, I fired expert at the M16 range yesterday, so I guess it has been a good couple of days.
Mental: So, I have some somewhat exciting news on this front. First of all, they signed my DA 4187 and my certificate of completion for my Lean Six Sigma black belt. So that is very exciting. It should be added to my records soon, which will be the last step in this process. But the second thing is that I might have a chance to get a Master Black Belt in Lean Six Sigma. Basically, Master Black Belt's are instructors in Lean Six Sigma. My instructor sent one of my products to his boss (who is a big deal with Lean Six Sigma in the Army) and he sent a response asking if I would be interested in potentially getting a Master Black Belt. Now, this is definitely not for certain and there is a lot left to figure out. To put it lightly, the training would come at a pretty penny and and they have to be very convinced that I am going to be successful and it will add value to the Army. So, I am actually trying to knock out a second black belt project while I am still here. This will not only help me to potentially become a Master Black Belt candidate but it is also going to help me get a civilian certification as well (I want to take the ASQ when I get back, which gives me my civilian certification as well as my military). I also need to take a qualifying exam and go through an interview process, so that will be a thing. I have about three weeks to figure all this new craziness out.
Emotional: It has been a roller coaster of a week honestly, and it doesn't look to be stopping. There is a lot going on with my unit right now, but also a lot going on in my life. Honestly, Kevin and I are probably in the best place we have been this whole deployment, which is really encouraging given that I am just getting ever closer to going home. But there have been some difficult times too, but I think we are in a much better place now for it. As for now, I am more excited than ever to get home to my husband and get back to my life with him. We are so excited for the future and I think both of us are just really ready for me to get home.
Spiritual: So I had one of those moments this week where a verse in my reading just hit me like a ton of bricks. The verse was Psalm 118:5 "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free." Sometimes it is just comforting to remember that we are free. It's so easy to think I am burdened by God's commands, when the reality is, I am set free. After all, Romans 8:1 says "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." The reality is, the judgment that should be reserved for me has already been paid at the cross. It gives me the freedom to move and to love. The freedom to love the Lord and love others without having to be afraid of screwing up. Because the great thing is, God already knew my every failure prior to my birth, and He sent His son to die for me anyways. I am free because the debt I owed has been paid.
Hey everybody. Time for my twenty second post from this lovely country with less than six weeks until I am home!! It's been a pretty awesome week and am excited to share some updates. The first of which is that I have pretty much packed everything up! At least, kind of. I have basically gone through and packed in such a way that I am sure all my stuff is going to fit. Tomorrow, I will finish my Christmas shopping, load up the last bit of stuff, and then create my packing list. Later this week, I will be loading two tuff boxes and a duffle bag into our containers. After they get approved by customs, then our stuff will get shipped home. My room will feel pretty empty once I load my stuff in the container, but I think I am good with that!
Mental: Lean Six Sigma is almost completely closed out for me! The last bit is just getting my 4187 signed (saying that I officially completed the course) and then having it put on my records. I don't know how long this will take, but it's not really in my hands. My part is done. All in all, I saved the army over $10.7 mil in direct savings and over another $34 mil in cost avoidance. It feels good to be done. Plus, I have helped another black belt candidate finish his project, my section NCOIC finish his green belt project, my NCO finish his green belt project and then as needed helped three other NCOs with their green belt projects (two of which I am pretty sure are complete). So, not only am I glad to be done, I am also glad to be able to help others reach that finish line as well.
The incline
Physical: So, I got a chance to do a sort of practice PT test while I was traveling this past week. I thought about fully taking my PT test there because the altitude is much lower, but I am glad I didn't. I did do push ups and the run route though I didn't do sit ups because doing that seemed like a poor choice on the road. I managed to max both, but I was sucking on the run. I think the fact that it was much hotter and there was a lot of sand and dust in the air, coupled with the fact that I was running a route I never had before in the dark made me run about 30 seconds slower than I have been in Bagram. But even still, I think if I had run it in the morning during day light, I still would have been struggling to breathe. So I will take my APFT next week with everyone else. I am pretty confident I will get a 300 again and am really happy with that. The goal though is to make sure it sticks when I get back. I have already been thinking about my workouts and I think I am going to make sure I incorporate the incline ( which I have never done before and my goal is to be able to walk straight up it without stopping, and once I can do that, then run it) and also yoga into my workouts. I will be doing PT in the mornings with my unit, but I want to make sure I am hitting the gym during lunch. But the other part is making sure I don't eat a bunch of crap. Unfortunately, we are coming back at pretty much the best food time of the year and after eating DFAC food all the time (I had steak the other night and I know that wasn't cow meat), it will be all to easy to gorge myself. So a strict workout routine will have to be on the menu as well.
Financial: I don't have any real new updates here except that I am sitting at about a 50% gain on my initial investment. I have two stocks that are doing quite well and I intend to hold on to them awhile longer. Part of me is debating holding on to them longer term since I have already had them a month and a half and they have only been doing well for me. I don't think either of them has dipped below my original buy price since I first picked them up. But we shall see what they do in the next couple of weeks. I might just hold them through their next earnings reports if they are looking promising. Kevin and I are also about to hit that fun time of year where we discuss next years budget and savings plan. It'll be nice to start figuring out what we want to do over the next year or so and set some solid goals with regards to our house, car and family.
Emotional: I am not really sure how to categorize this next part, so I am going to put it here. Right now, it is looking very likely that I will be going to a new unit when I get back to Fort Carson. I don't have a specific job locked in at this point, but there are a few possibilities and all of them would be very good for me. I got my first look at my annual review yesterday (even though it isn't due until November) and things are looking very promising. I have been performing very well and because of that, my leadership is looking at giving me the opportunity to change units when I get back. I am excited to take on a new job and am really ready for the change. I look forward to experiencing something brand new. But there is a lot of unknowns that come with that. I obviously don't have the job position taken yet, and nothing is really a guarantee until you have it in hand (and with the Army, even that may not mean much). So with that, I also don't know what the hours will be like. But the unknown makes it exciting for me. It's one of the things I love about the Army, I can never really get bored. I get to change jobs every year or so, change locations every few years and get a lot of unique opportunities. I am slowly realizing that I actually really enjoy being in the Army, and I am surprisingly good at it. It seems odd that this job that I picked when I was twelve really has ended up being such a good fit for me. And though I do not know what the future holds (I have already been offered a job on the civilian side that looks potentially very appealing), I can say that I hope that whatever I end up doing, I bring God glory.
Spiritual: So, to be honest, I have been lacking a bit here. I have been struggling to motivate myself to read my bible. Right now, I am in Ezekiel, where he talks about the temple. And just like reading Numbers or Leviticus, I just struggle to stay motivated and keep reading. And that is not good, because I am actually supposed to be reading twice a day and recently, I have only been reading once. So, now that I am nearly packed and don't have a lot of work on my plate, I am going to buckle down and get myself caught back up to where I am supposed to be. Thankfully, I have not been struggling in my prayer life the way I have in my reading. I have still been praying nightly and as a quick update, am still praying for my friend who doesn't know the Lord. It has been nearly 200 nights of praying for him and it doesn't seem like any progress has been made. But, I am starting to wonder if this prayer is not for him, but for me. Maybe this is one of those things God has called me to just to teach me diligence and self control. I will continue to pray for him as this deployment nears its end, but I have come to terms with the fact that this, like many of my other prayers, is not mine to demand an answer to. Like so many other times, I am learning that patience is precious and that demanding answers doesn't make them come any sooner, and most frequently, just makes me look foolish. So I will just have to learn some patience and love.
Alright everyone, I know I have been slacking and haven't posted in about a month, but now that things have calmed down a lot, I am ready to get back to it. This last month has been pretty crazy. I have been traveling, working out in one of our yards doing some manual labor, spending time with great people and have awesome conversation with my husband. The last month of so has been drastically life altering, but also very fast paced. I have no idea how many weeks I have been here now, but I can tell you I have about six weeks left! So here we go!
Physical: Ok, so this one is disappointing. I missed the Army ten-miler here in Bagram. It was actually this morning, but I didn't know until 1500 yesterday afternoon (not enough time to recover and hydrate properly). Plus, I ended up getting a killer headache last night. So that little nugget has fallen through. I have been working longer hours again, which was sacrificing my PT time by a lot. So I made a new routine. Now, instead of trying to go in the morning or evening, I go in the middle of the afternoon when I have down time. I think I am going to try to keep this up when I get back to Fort Carson by going to the gym during lunch. Before I left, I would travel back and forth from home multiple times a day. To help save on our budget (updated financial goals), we are looking for ways to cut out the little things and this is definitely one of them. Plus, it has the added benefit of me getting a good workout in during lunch. I have a PT test in a few weeks as well, and my goal is to get another 300 before going back home and eating really yummy food again. But we will see how it all falls.
Our new 2014 Ford Escape!
Financial: My stocks are doing really well. I am currently holding two of them that have provided some good gains for me. Both are kind of plateaued, but they plateaued high enough that I am just keep them. Right now, I have basically made 50% return on my initial investment. I could definitely see myself doing this some more, but I haven't had a ton of time to devote to it. I need to start looking at some potential new buys before the next set or quarterly earnings comes out. Aside from that, Kevin and I have made some new financial goals. We just bought our first car together (a 2014 Ford Escape Titanium, which we love!) and have decided we will probably not be moving again next year. There are several factors going into that decision (like the new car!), but also the fact that I haven't really got to live in my house (or any place) for very long and I would like to take the time to start a garden, redo gutters, redo cabinets, plant some bushes and so on and so forth. And I don't want to be rushing to do that before next spring. So Kevin and I have decided to just say in the house we are in and try to get that paid off as quickly as possible. We are also looking at ways to reduce our budgets. Aside from trying to drive less, we are also looking at ways we can keep costs down and try to basically live on one income, with the other completely providing discretion to pay extra off the house and do projects and vacations and things. Basically, we want one income to frame our spending and the other income to frame our saving in such a way that we can give money away, invest and just have fun.
Our new garden window!
Mental: I finished my Lean Six Sigma project!!! Can you believe it?! I ultimately reduced my standard deviation (Six sigma) and shifted my mean (lean). It is now being submitted, and once that is done, I will have a DA 4187 with my skill identifier saying I am a certified black belt for the Army. Now I just need to pull my project off my computer so that I will have it and all of my reference materials and I am done!!!! Aside from that, I have been playing more with Microsoft excel and even with macros. I think I might keep studying excel a bit because I am learning some really interesting things. I am also going to try to spend the winter reading up on building my first green house and learning some fun gardening tips and tricks. I think the fact that I haven't seen much green here has given me a very strong desire to decorate my house with lively plants. I also have a desire to do some manual labor (building cabinets and trying to do gutters and small projects ourselves) after spending the last 7+ months sitting behind a computer. I really enjoying working with my hands and haven't gotten to do enough of it here. Plus, I enjoy working on our home. Kevin has had a new garden window installed and we are having work done on our patio in the next couple of weeks. I can't wait to get home and join him. And I look forward to starting new projects and learning new crafts!
Emotional: So this one has been going pretty well. I think Kevin and I have been connecting so much better as we have started discussing our plans for the next year or so. Truth be told, earlier in the month, we were in a rather depressing rut and neither of us could really tell why. I think Kevin just didn't like the sound of two more months and truthfully, I was starting to feel overwhelmed by the idea of making decisions again. There are limitless possibilities for the future and what is coming next that I felt kind of overwhelmed by the idea of preparing to face it. But as Kevin and I started moving forward (Kevin got our new garden window installed on the house and is having the patio done next month), things started getting easier. That's why we decided to by the car (which we are so excited about) and start making plans for what the next year holds. And things are really starting to come together. Kevin is loving his job and I am loving mine. And though there are definitely no concrete plans right now, there is a pretty good likelihood that I might stay in the Army for longer than my contract. We have a lot to figure out on that path, but we have decided to wait until I get home and see how I am feeling six months from now before making too many decisions. For right now, we are both giving up control of a lot that we like to hold on to just to imagine the world of possibilities. We have decided that both of us are going to stop worrying about what we "should" or "shouldn't" do and start focusing on loving God, loving each other and loving others and living a life that is going to bring him the most glory.
Spiritual: Well, obviously this one is tied to my current emotional state as well. Basically, the idea of giving up control of what I want versus what I think I should want has been very relieving. Telling Kevin that I might want to stay in the Army was very difficult, but mostly because of the church, not because of Jesus. I feel like within Christianity, we tend to limit the roles for women into what we see as best for her family or manageable. Telling women I am in the Army is usually stomached in the same manner as me saying I'm sick or I have cancer. They want to tell me that's horrible (and some do) and that they can't wait for me to get out. Even my most well intended friends ask me about deploying and having kids to just get out of it. It is inconceivable to them that I love this. It's even crazier to them that I am really good at it. But I let myself fall in that box too. I told myself I couldn't stay in and be a good wife and mother. Every day, I think that is less and less true. Would there be hard parts? Yes. Is moving around all the time easy? No. But would my kids and husband get to experience things that others might never get to? Yes. Can we use it as the opportunity to bring our family closer together? Yes. But most importantly, does it bring more glory to God to live the life he first put on my heart as a twelve year old girl and has reaffirmed many times since? Does it bring more glory to God for me to live my life in such a way that it ties together the unique characteristics God decided to ordain me with? And does it bring God more glory when I live out the things that interest me and help them to grow and develop my family? It might seem simple to just say yes and move on, but I am spending time with these questions. I am leaning more towards them than I am away. I am breaking down my own religious rules and trying to find the truth in the center of the Gospel. I am done telling Christ how Christians are supposed to live. When I look at biblical women, I see women who work and serve. Ruth was a laborer, Esther was into politics and the proverbs 31 woman ran a very successful business (and all in the Old Testament too!). Maybe my primary job can be wife and mother even if I don't spend all my time doing those things from home. I don't know. We have a lot of exploring to do, but I figured I would share with you where we have explored to thus far.
Ok everyone, I know I have missed a couple of posts. To put it shortly, the theme of my last couple of weeks is exhaustion. I have never felt before like I do now and I cannot think of anything comparable to it. All I can say is that when I get back home, I might just sleep for a whole week. On, that note, I plan to keep this short and direct. So here is post 20, week 25 (ish... I am not really sure anymore).
Financial: So I currently own two stocks and both are doing well. The one is sitting at about 10% gain and is climbing slightly. The other, is near, if not over, 25% gained. The latter actually climbed even higher than that recently and then fell slighting, but is climbing back up. I am interested to see how high it is going to go. And don't intend to sell right away.
Mental: So, not really much progress on my lean six sigma project, but I have been helping someone else out with theirs. I am not really sure how I got dragged onto their team, but they got a short suspense and needed the help. As difficult as it has been, I am glad to help out a friend and I know it helped relieve some of their burden, so I don't mind so much. Though there have been moments when I wanted to gouge my eyes out after staring at powerpoint slide for days on end, I'd like to think I did some good. And unfortunately, it isn't done yet. But it is close. But for now, I am slowly starting to shift back to my own project. I am hoping to knock out my measure and analyze phases in the next couple of days and our final exam is coming up in about a week. It will be good when I can focus on my project and not have to worry about class anymore.
Emotional: It has been crazy busy over here and I feel like I have been running 100 mph. I am completely exhausted and feeling quite spent. To put it lightly, I am feeling burnt out. I have been traveling and working non-stop for probably close to two weeks on a mammoth project that was briefed to a two star general on Saturday. Unfortunately, it isn't done yet either and so there is still more to do. But with the brief, the work and the traveling, I just feel completely out of energy. And when that gets tied in with the crazy drama my unit is currently experiencing (but that I cannot go into), it just leaves me feeling like I have been hit by a freight train. I don't think I have ever been so tired before. And the thing that helps me get through that is the people in my unit. My friends and coworkers here have been such a relief to me. Being able to sit and chat and joke and laugh in the midst of sheer exhaustion as been very comforting. I cannot say that it makes the work load feel worth it, but it is definitely what gets me through.
Physical: This has fallen to the wayside during my traveling and working the last couple of weeks. I am hoping to return to a more normal schedule now that I am back in Bagram, but we shall see. I need to find a more consistent schedule and get my butt outside and run more. On the up side, the weather is calming down and it is more pleasant to run. On the down side, I am tired and don't feel like going. I still am hoping to do the Army ten miler in October, but I need the pace in my life to slow down a bit first.
Spiritual: While I have maintained the ability to read my bible twice a day, this past couple of weeks has been destructive to my quiet times. The long hours just nugging away in front of a computer took their toll and I am hoping that now that I am back in Bagram, I might be able to get some solid sleep and reset myself. Unfortunately, I am feeling spiritually very weak, just like I do in every other area of my life right now. I feel like I lack the emotional capacity to handle my exhaustion and that it is seeping into every area of my life. I pray daily for strength and drive but I can hardly find it. The worst part of my day is waking up and dragging myself out of bed. I'd love to end this with something witty or inspiring, but I have got nothing. I am still here and feel like a balloon with a slow leak that is just about out. We are going home in two months but I cannot give thought to anything past today without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Hopefully, the next couple of weeks will slow down and I will find my strength renewed. I have heard that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I am now contemplating if it is possible to walk away without being hardened and changed.
Ok everyone, so I know I have been a couple of days behind recently. But this has been my trend this whole deployment. I think my first posts were on Mondays and I seem to have worked my way to Saturdays, which may be my new normal. Who knows? But regardless, here is my new post in my same old boring way. Post 19, week 22.
Mental: Lean Six Sigma and I have actually had a pretty good week. I sent my data in to get my initial run through the software and am waiting for the results from that. I ran through my define template and got that posted, which included by SIPOC (supplier input process output customer) map and got some ideas done for what my customer and what the business wants. I have been working on my process map and am probably near a 75% solution on that. Once I finish that up and get my initial data measurements back, I will wrap up my measure phase and turn that in. I am expecting to have that done within the week and then move on to analyse my data. After that, it is just making some improvements, doing another measurement and then finalizing my controls. Some I am happy with the progress I have made and feel like I am actually gaining ground and momentum.
Physical: My workouts have been steady and I am definitely progressing. This morning, I ran 6 miles in 51:30 which averages just over an 8:30 pace, which is perfect because my goal is to do ten miles (for the army ten miler in October) at at least an 8:30 pace. I need to add a little bit more to my workouts though. I need to add biking so that I can focus on my heart rate, at least until I get a heart rate monitoring watch. I need to focus on spending longer period at 85% of my maximum heart rate and slowing down to not less than 65% which means trying to stay around 170 and not dipping below 130. (To calculate target heart rate, take 220- your age and multiply by 50% to 85%. This is the range most often recommended by sports medicine people. They say if you are just starting out, aim 50-65%, fairly active people should aim for 65-75% and very active people should aim for 75%-85%. I am aiming towards 85% to help increase my cardiovascular endurance. I want my lower limit to be 65% because I want to make sure I am maximizing my workouts. And I round up to the nearest ten, because whole numbers are much easier to remember). So, my goal is to at least once a week do: a run over five miles (gradually increasing towards ten), a 2.5 mile run (.5 mile warm up), sprints day (focusing on distance, time, or heart rate), bike day (focusing on heart rate over time), abs day and upper body day. We shall see how this goes. It should become easier as this is my last day fasting from meat and will be enjoying some fish and lean protein being added back into my diet.
Financial: Well, the stock I own hit 10% gain this week, but it is still trending up. I am expected it to gain at least 20% for me and will probably keep it a fair while longer than that. It is a tech company with a good product and few competitors, so I (and the analysts) are still predicting it to trend up. It's looking pretty good and I am satisfied. I didn't buy the stock I mentioned last week because I realized I didn't want to buy another stock to hold. Instead, I am very carefully watching another stock. I was hoping it would drop recently, but it keeps going up. Their earnings report comes out on 12 AUG and their EPS is around 2.7. It looks like a good company and I may just have to suck the egg and buy at a higher price than I had originally intended. It looks like it is also going to go up though, so I will still turn a sizable profit on it. But we will see what this week holds.
Emotional: I don't have much of an update on this one. I still am feeling very tired, and my wonderful doctor gave me a few tips as to why that might be. All in all, it is a mixture of the environment and my change in diet. It is probably a good reflection of not getting enough protein and eating more carbs. The goal is to switch from that to more lean meat and vegetables, less refined grains and sugars. This will probably be as close to a "paleo" diet as I will ever get, because I love my processed foods. But I also understand that I need to correct the imbalance I have likely made so that I can start feeling better, Thankfully, the protein thing will change tomorrow. So if that's the issue, then hopefully I will be less tired. I am ready to wake up easier and not be exhausted by all the normal things that I do.
But I am finding myself ready to go home and be with my husband more and more. Normally, I don't think about it much because then it makes everything else harder, but I have found that it creeps into my mind more and more recently. We are trying to plan a vacation, but I have been very burnt out on planning. I am mostly just ready to get home and don't care much about what happens when I get there, except that I cannot wait to cook my own food!
Spiritual: I have been doing well at reading my bible and praying both morning and night. I feel like I have really been growing during my time of fasting (officially 40 days without meat!) but am ready to return to my normal. I think that fasting will become a more regular occurrence in my spiritual life and am very grateful both for what it has taught me about myself and also for what it has taught me about God. I am in a better place in so many ways and am so thankful for my experiences the last 40 days. It has made me stronger and more dependent at the same time. Except now, instead of dependency on others to make me happy or scratch my intellectual itch or work out with or entertain me, I rely on God. Where before I found comfort in others, now I find comfort in the Lord. I have always had peace, but I am starting to finally understand "peace that surpasses ALL understanding." I have experienced far less anxiety and worry than I have in years past. It might seem like apathy to some, but really, it is about knowing that I am not in control, I never was and that's ok. Worrying will not add a second to my life but it will certainly take away many if I let it.
I am planning a mini-blog series that covers some quick bible study topics that you can go over with those that are new to Christianity, or might even serve as evangelical tools. I will be writing them in conjunction with my studying for my time with my new disciple. My plan is to have some five-ten minute study tools that focus on some surface level topics. That way they can spark conversations that take us where she needs to go, not just where I am trying to lead.
Alright everyone, time for my 18th post in my 21st week. Sorry I am a couple of days late, but it has been busy around here. We have a lot going on in our unit and a lot of stuff coming up. To put it lightly, we have less than 100 days left and with all the stuff on our plates, I am betting it will go pretty fast.
Physical- I ran over 11 miles this week, so I am pretty proud of myself for that. I have a new running partner that is willing to run distances with me on Saturdays. He is definitely faster than me, but I don't slow him down too much. I think next Saturday we are planning on running an 8 mile loop, but we shall see. We don't have to wear all our gear anymore, so I have more freedom in my workout times, which is good. I prefer going to the gym in the evenings, because I am not a morning person. Unfortunately, my long runs will be Saturday mornings, which means getting up well before the sun, but oh well, at least I will have someone to run with. My goal is to be able to run 10 miles in 8:30. I think I could do it at a 9 min mile pace right now, so I want to get that down. It already has come down and 9 min mile was my original goal pace. I beat that goal by about 15 secs per mile for 6 miles earlier this week, so I am pretty confident I can do 10 at 9:00. Still working at it. Still getting better.
Financial- Right now, I still own only one stock and I have got another in mind for when the market opens on Monday. The one I have is sitting at just under a 10% gain at the moment and has been on an upward trend for about a year. The one I am looking at another stock right now that has low trading value, but has been on a solid upwards trend for the last 5 years. Where I am at right now, I need to start looking into stocks that I want to keep as a short to midterm investment. I am not totally committed to that idea yet, but I haven't been playing the market as much recently. And now that I am out of my free trading period, I am thinking less and less about quick trades and more about ones I can hold onto and grow over time. We will see how the market looks on Monday, and maybe I will try my hand at some longer term investments.
Mental- I have actually made some headway on my lean six sigma project this week. I have some of my products remade and some I still need to do. The biggest pieces I need to get done in the next day or so are my SIPOC map and my voice of the customer/ voice of the business slide. I want to get these done before my instructor comes back, so I have a short window to complete them. I have also completed my 18 page exegesis, which was a fun endeavor. I know people think I am nuts, but it really isn't until recently that our society things that writing papers and letters aren't fun and that you need a specific reason to write a lengthy paper. But, I think it was fun and it stretched my mind and grew me as a person. I will probably always write papers and store them away. And that is part of the reason I blog as well. I enjoy writing and getting my thoughts out onto paper. Writing is even more fun than reading to me, but I know that reading helps perfect writing. I don't have a ton of time right now, so when I get the chance, I read my book "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day." For my daily reading, I stick with reading my bible twice a day. It seems like a better use of my time right now, even though I would love to add fiction to my reading list. But with my time so limited, I have to make sure what I am reading is actually beneficial to me and helping me grow as a person.
Emotional- I am drained in this category. I have been having excellent communication with Kevin and am probably feeling the most successful as a wife as I have this whole deployment. I have found that waking up, reading my bible and praying in the mornings has enriched my marriage and our communication. I find myself looking forward to going home more and more and I think that a huge part of that is being under the 100 day mark. But on the other hand, we still have a lot left to do in the next 100 days and I am finding myself just exhausted at the thought. To say that I feel burnt out is an understatement. Things that used to take very little energy now feel exhausting and drain me completely. No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired. Maybe it is because I still have not had a day off since we got here. I am not sure. But I know I have to Soldier on and I will. To say that I am expecting that I will crash hard when I get home is an understatement. I hope everyone understand that when I get back, it is going to take some time for me to level out to my new normal and not to take my lack of communication personally. I am expecting to spend a lot of time getting some sleep and decompressing. I am already thinking of trying to unplug and rebuild my life with Kevin before I focus on fitting anything else into that.
Spiritual- I am also exhausted spiritually. I felt very drained after completing my exegesis regarding the doctrine of covenants (see this link for the full version, or my last three posts for the abridged version). I feel like I have grown so much though. What was, at times a chore, has become my perfect joy. Even though I am tired and don't wake up well, I enjoy getting up and reading my bible and praying during the first hour of my day. And I love ending my day with reading my bible and doing my prayer journal. In the last 30 days or so, I have grown a ton as an individual and in my dedication to the Lord. I am not a different person, but I am in so many ways. I have grown so much in my knowledge of who God is and my excitement to get to know him more is a lot. Before I get back to the U.S., I will have read the whole bible. When I get back, I plan on starting over but with a focus. I plan on doing a study on love. I plan on going through my bible and highlighting every time I see the word love; one color for when it is between God and man, another for love between people. I find that the word comes up a lot, but it may be just be because I am reading through the book of Psalms. Regardless, I am very intrigued. I still continuing to fast, but I feel that I have already received the answers to my prayers. I have received some yes, some no and some later. And I am more than satisfied in that. However, I am continuing to fast until I reach the forty day mark. I am doing so in case God still has something He wants to reveal to me, but also because that's the day that feels right. I can't really explain it, but that's my end date. So I will be enjoying some wonderfully cooked Afghani chicken next Sunday, the August 4th. I am very glad for this time of growth, but I am nearing a point of exhaustion that has me ready for this time to be over. I think everyone can relate in their own way. Growth is painful at the time, but you can enjoy it when you are also seeing the fruits of the labor. But as time goes on, the labor starts to feel more burdensome and you are ready for the end to be near. It is the same I feel towards the deployment. I am reaching a point where I just need more of God's strength, because I am quickly running out of my own.
Ok, so I am a day late, but at least I am not a dollar short. Here is my 17th blog post from Afghanistan for my 20th week. Life has been pretty good and also pretty bland here in Afghanistan. So I will just jump right in in my usual style.
Mental: I have really been doing a ton for Lean Six Sigma and I had better get my butt on it in the next week or I am going to find myself in some trouble. I am already behind from starting over and I can't honestly say I have made much effort to do any better. But I have been challenging my brain in other ways through book reading and studying. But I will touch on that under the spiritual paragraph, so I won't touch on it now.
Financial: I finally bought another stock. It has a high EPS of about 8.26 and their next earnings report comes out Thursday. I bought it the other day and currently haven't made anything on it, but long term, it seems like this stock is just continuing to climb. I actually owned it a couple of months ago and it has gained a lot since then. I kind of wish I had held onto it, but cest la vie. I am going to watch it carefully for the next few days to see what it does. I am expecting this to be a short to mid-term stock. I have been looking at several others too, but I want to be at a safer point with this one first. Within the first few days of buying a stock, even if you sell it, the money isn't available right away. So in another day or so, I will probably make my next purchase.
Physical: It has been a good workout week for me. I only missed one workout day, which was more because I had miscalculated the time accidentally and woke up too late. And as I have been working out more, I have found that my appetite has been decreasing (which generally happens to me when I am getting into a consistent schedule). Unfortunately, because I haven't been as hungry, I also haven't been getting my green drinks in. So I need to make sure I am keeping up good habits there. I also need to learn to balance my running speed. Since I have started incorporating sprints and going faster for shorter periods of time, I am starting out too fast on some of my longer runs and am burning out too quickly. Which is an issue because I am still planning on running the army ten-miler in October. I want to run that at an 8:30-9:00 mile but I keep taking off at a 7:30 pace and burning out. I need to get used to both distances and train my body to do it. And what I really need is to be able to run at night. I always end up sucking wind in the mornings because it just keeps getting hotter the longer I go. Or I need to get up earlier... which I am not good at.
Emotional: This week has been a good one. I am connecting really well with my husband and we seem to be at the best place we have been this whole deployment. To be honest though, I think we have just in the process of constant improvement in our relationship since I got here. I still question as to whether or not I am a good wife and if I really can be when I am so far away, but as I see my marriage prosper, I guess I have to answer that yes. I think the reality is, God's got this and I don't need to worry about it. I just need to respect and love my husband and the rest will fall into place. But that isn't always easy, especially as I am within a week of my anniversary and have to square with the fact that I have never been with my husband on our anniversary.
I also feel at a good place emotionally in my workplace. I feel like I am connecting with others better and am not as impatient as I first was. Since we moved to Bagram, it feels like we are all cramped, all the time. And that really used to bother me at first. But now we are reaching a point of greater cohesion and I am enjoying the relationships I am building.
My morning journaling
Spiritual: Well, the biggest update here is that I pretty much finished my first exegesis (a paper on a specific topic or text, usually in reference to a religious document) regarding the doctrine of covenants. I am not going to go into it here much, but I completed my first draft, had Kevin review it and made some updates. It is currently 17 pages in length. I think I am going to find some ways to break it up into smaller chunks and get rid of some of the details to post here on my blog. Don't worry though, I will make the full length text available to you too. This has been quite the under taking and has taken me a little over a week to complete. It involved a lot of reading and research and has been mentally taxing and spiritually draining. But I also think this is part of the reason why God has called me into a time of fasting and prayer.
I have also been doing really well at keeping up with my reading and praying. I find that an hour in the mornings is almost too little to read and pray, but that really seems dependent on what I am reading, how much and how much is sticking with me. I have been enjoying taking notes of everything in the mornings because it helps me to see the fruits of my efforts over time. I am also still praying for the guy in my unit that I have been praying for pretty much since we got here. I think I am nearing 150 days straight of praying for him, and plan to continue doing so. I have also continued to fast and pray for my friends who I love dearly but am not on the terms I would like to see us on. But such is life and I am good with giving both of these cases over to God and let Him answer them to me in His own way and in His own time. For now, I will just keep praying.
Alright everyone, it's that time of the week again. Time for another update from Afghanistan. I am in my twenty-first week here and am also excited that this is my fiftieth blog post! I can't tell if that's a lot or a little for less than a year of blogging. I hope I have enough to say to get me to 100 posts, though I have recently realized that I am a very talkative introvert, so I am sure I will have no problems there.
Mental: So, I haven't been doing much on my lean six sigma project. With our instructor on R&R, I don't think it has really been on anyone's mind much. I still have to pretty much start from scratch on my project and I have done a little bit of data capturing, but aside from that, not much progress at all. I have finished a couple of books (Secret Confessions of an Unlikely Convert and The Circle Maker- both of which I loved!) and am onto a new book. I am now reading a new book called "In a Pit with a Lion On a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson, who is the same author as The Circle Maker. It has been very invigorating to read more every day and I enjoy the intellectual stimulation I find generally lacking.
Financial: So still no investing recently. Hopefully this week I will find a stock I want to buy. There are more earnings reports coming out at the end of the month so I am thinking I should find something in the next couple of weeks. Here's hoping!
Physical: Well, this week has been full of set backs when it comes to work outs. In Bagram, they have had us wearing our full kit during Ramadan. That means wearing our individual body armor with plates and our kevlar helmets. It's heavy and cumbersome. And the first couple of days we had to wear it whenever we went outside. This really meant no running and we had to wear our stuff to the gym. So... my motivation plummeted a bit. But now we only have to wear it during hours of darkness, so I will be resuming my workouts tomorrow. On the plus side, I have finally found a concoction that tastes good but looks disgusting. Its a mixture of orange juice, pineapple juice, water, a scoop of berry green drink, a scoop of lemon lime green drink and a scoop of orange dreamsicle protein powder. It has about 32 grams of protein and only 4 grams of fat. I am not really doing it as a meal replacement, just a meal supplement. Even when I am eating meat, I tend to not get enough protein. So that is why I started doing this. Plus, I never get enough fruits and vegetables. Regardless, this actually tastes good and is filling, so I am going to stick with it. My intention is to keep up with it even when I get back home to Fort Carson.
Emotional: Another week, another roller coaster. I know I have written about it much in the last few weeks and months, but I still struggle with the idea of being a good wife while I am in Afghanistan. As I am less than two weeks out from my wedding anniversary, I cannot help but reminisce on things back home. This will be my third anniversary and the third one that I have missed because of the Army. Kevin and I are still close, but there is so much we cannot talk about because a. time does not allow, b. both of our jobs rely heavily on dealing in classified environments or c. because it's just not understandable when you don't know the people involved. I miss having him to debate theology with, vent to, discuss complex ideas, tackle our future plans and just plain old have married people conversations. One of my favorite things about Kevin is that he is very intellectually stimulating and I enjoy pretty much every single conversation we have. As I woke up this morning and went to open my bible, I remembered that back home, when Kevin and I got up, we would go down stairs to our couch, snuggle up together under the blankets and both read our own bibles and then pray together over the day. At night, he would read a chapter from the old testament to me while we were in bed and then we would pray together and go to sleep. Even though I am living the basically the same schedule, it is really not the same without Kevin near. He was probably a lot of my motivation before, because I enjoyed doing these activities with him and I enjoyed his company. Now I do them alone and it makes me a little sad. I was explaining to my boss the other day that though I swear a lot out here, I don't with Kevin. People find it odd, and those that are out here with me seem to think it is unbelievable. Especially when I tell them I don't have to try not to. It may seem crazy, but whenever I talk to God (through prayer) or to my husband, I don't have to try not to swear, those words just never come to my mind. And the reason is that because they both give me such peace that is pacifies my thoughts and makes them less vulgar. Now, I am working on not swearing, but it makes me realize how little I open my marriage up to those I work with. I do not want them to see the vulnerability I have in my husband's presence. That somehow, them knowing that I desire to be a submissive and peaceful wife will make them see me as something less. Being with Kevin extinguishes the needless fires the Army creates. The Army wants a killer, but being with Kevin makes me more into a pacifist. And it is nothing he does; he is just soothing to my soul. It is one of the biggest reasons I married him. He calms me down, evens me out and makes me a more self-controlled and rational individual. I have never met another man who has had such a great effect on my life, aside from the one I met hanging on a cross as a ten year old kid in a church basement during vacation bible school. It is somewhat funny to me when anyone suggests that I would want to be with anyone else.
Another piece to my emotional state has been that I have found out that my request to leave my current unit is being granted. There are a couple of possibilities for my new unit but it will still be on Fort Carson. My brigade commander has approved it as well as my battalion commander, so I know it is so. Without going in to too much detail, the gist of the story is such. I am not dissatisfied with my current unit, nor my branch. However, I have only seen one side of my logistical branch and to make any sort of informed decision about whether or not to stay in or get out, I need to see more. It is not with any certainty at all that I will stay in, and it is still leaning the other way. But so long as I am considering it, I need to have as many facts as possible. I really enjoy being in the Army. Everyone I have met, both officers and enlisted, have told me multiple times that if I stay in, I will go far and will be very successful. So, it is being considered. Kevin and I still have much to talk about and I still have two years before any decisions need to be made.
Spiritual: This functional area of my life has caused me much grief and joy over the past week or so. In terms of just theology, I found in my reading some verses in 1 Samuel 18, 19, 20 and 22 discussing a covenant friendship. This, to me, was a new type of covenant. I had never heard of a covenant between friends before and the idea pretty much consumed me. I spent a lot of time studying it and considering what it might be and what it might look like. I have many conclusions on the matter and plan on blogging about it topically very soon.
I am have been fasting for over two weeks now and in the last week have changed the way I arrange my spiritual life. I am now devoting the first hour of my day to the Lord. I wake up an hour earlier than I need to and spend the first part reading a few chapters from my bible and recording verses that stick out to me. I then make a list of everything and everyone I want to pray for and spend whatever is left of the hour (usually 30-40 minutes) praying over the verses that stuck out, any theological content from my reading that didn't make sense, and my long list of prayer requests. Along with my fasting, I pray multiple times during the day. I am still in a place of hoping for healing and reconciliation between myself and two people very dear to my heart. I am not going to quit fasting nor praying until God grants me an answer on the matter, but I Have given it over to Him. The reality is, this battle is His, not mine and thus the glory belongs to Him and not to me. I am not moving from my position because I am waiting on the Lord. He will move when He is ready. And I am trying to embrace in my heart a spirit of patience and a movement of my prayer from "as soon as possible" to "as long as it takes." I have already accepted the Lord's will for my life, whatever that may be. I am completely at peace with getting an answer of "no." But what I find myself struggling with is the Lord's timing. I am not a patient person by nature nor trade. I don't care what the answer is, I just want it now. Which isn't how God works and He doesn't seem to keen towards my petty demands of timing that is most convenient for me. I am sure He will continue to break that down in me over time, but for now, I just keep trying to remind myself "as long as it takes." I am also ending my evenings by reading and then praying. At night's when I pray, I actually fully writing them out, which I started doing when I first got here. The funny thing to me though is that my prayers definitely get longer and more full of life when I look at them over time. My prayer's when I first got here were generic and lifeless. This reflected my prayer life on the whole. I didn't pray often nor intently. Now I pray frequently and fervently. It is a habit I hope makes it back to the states with me because I know it has grown me a lot. God is changing my heart and making me a more loving person. He has a lot of work ahead of Him, to say the least. As do I.
Alright, so I am officially in my twentieth week in Afghanistan, which means we are definitely more than halfway done. I feel like that fact should be more exciting to me than it is. But I find it hard to think of home when I know we still have a lot of time left. But at least it is on the down slope. Hopefully it will feel like it is going fast, though I am choosing not to wish time away. This weekend, my family is actually traveling out to Jackson, WY to see a musical my sister is assisting in directing and my Dad is in. I know they are all very excited as they are approaching opening night, and I am praying it goes well for them. I definitely wish I could be home to see this!
Financial: So I will start with the most boring of my updates. I still am not investing in any new stocks. I am finding the market to be a little fickle this week and am not interested in any particular stocks. Again, I hope by the end of the month, something worthwhile catches my eye. But we shall see.
Mental: So, my Lean Six Sigma projected wasn't really taking off because there was nothing in my process to control. Or at least, nothing in my process for me to control. And that is very important for Lean Six Sigma because that is they way we determine if our improvements have been effective and if we actually made our process more efficient. So, I am back to square one. I am completely starting over with a new project in mind. Instead of caring about container movements, I will be looking at how we have created standardization in our Forward Retrograde Elements and how we have minimized shipments around Afghanistan. This was one of my planning efforts in May, so I have already put a lot of the work in, I just didn't do it through Lean Six Sigma and I need to now. That means re-gathering old data and look at trends before, during and after improvements.
I am also pursuing other career options outside of my unit. I have spoken with my commander regarding the matter and I have his support. Now he will take my request to our brigade commander and we will see what his answer is. I am curious to see how this will go and how things will land. I have many reasons for seeking a new job, but I do not think it is time to share them yet. I am sure it will come up within the next few blog posts, but for now, it will continue in discussions with my husband and with my leadership. But in an attempt to not leaving anyone hanging, nothing bad has happened and I am in no way a disgruntled Soldier asking to leave my unit.
Physical: So, I am still drinking about 1-2 green drinks a day. It has really helped me feel good and has helped to keep me from snacking. I also received my protein powder a couple of days ago. I am not sure how I feel about it yet and need to find some good mixtures for drinking it. I bought the orange creamsicle flavor and it mostly just tastes like vanilla with the tiniest hint of orange. Which sucks because I love citrus flavored drinks. But I have found that one scoop of protein powder, plus one small carton of orange juice, one small carton of pineapple juice and one scoop of lemon lime flavored grass stuff seems to do the trick. It actually tastes pretty good, but a little too sweet. I will probably start adding some water to mellow it out and will continue with my crazy concoction brewing.
For my workouts, a couple of days ago I decided that I should incorporate sprints with iron mikes (lunges for you non-military types) to the tune of about 150. My legs still hurt several days later. I am planning to start a 5 day a week workout plan next week. The plan is to do one long run a week (4-8 miles), one 3 mile run a week (for time), one workout dedicated to sprints, lunges, squats, calf raises, etc a week, and then one day of arms (pull ups, chins ups, push ups, tricep curls, chest presses, butterflies) and one day dedicated to abs. This will help me train not only for my PT test and getting a better run score, but it should also help me tackle the Army ten-miler here on Bagram in good time. I think getting into a schedule will help me and make it a little bit harder to skip workouts, because it will actually throw off my plans. Here's hoping that provides me with some motivation, because I find it hard to motivate myself to work out, especially when I am working out alone.
Emotional: This week has been a roller coaster and I am not sure what else to say. When I think of my current situation, I cannot help but wonder why relationships must be so complicated. What is it about the human condition that makes us to prone towards drama and discord? Personally, I normally cut cords and run from these types of scenarios and people. I am more than willing to be confrontational, but usually, if someone takes issue with me, I just let go an move on. Honestly, you can ask most anyone from my past about this and they will probably acknowledge that I did it to them. I am not one to stand and fight for a relationship that I am not sure can be saved, or I am not sure I want to have saved, or I am not sure is worth the effort to save. This honest portrayal of myself has lead many to describe me as cold. I have very rarely fought for reconciliation. I have very rarely felt the need to fight, to prove my love or my concern at all.
But thinking about that, I started thinking back and trying to remember a time when reconciliation mattered as much to me as it does now (apart from with my family and my husband, of course). And oddly enough, the memory that came to me was back in first grade. My best friend, Angel, and I had gotten into a fight. It was picture day at school and my mom had insisted I wear a dress. And with that dress came shoes that wouldn't easily stay on my feet and had no traction. Which wasn't a big deal until it came time for recess. You see, Angel and I's favorite games at recess generally revolved around chasing boys and "beating them up" (never anything serious, but we would catch them, they would get mad, call us a name, and we would kick them in the shins or do something to that effect, then run away and they would chase us back). But in my shoes with no traction, I could not play our game that day, and for whatever reason, that meant that we could not be friends either. But by the end of recess, my other friend, Becky, brought us back together and it was decided that I would be good to run the next day when I got to wear my normal shoes and life resumed as normal. This fight is still vivid in my my mind, but even more vivid was our make up. I can remember sitting on the curb with Becky in between us, trying to create peace and solve our problem.
I think back to that day and I cannot help but wonder why it cannot always be that easy. Perhaps it is my immaturity in relationships, or maybe just life in general, but I am really at a loss for why everything seems so complicated. Why do we make mountains out of molehills? And what do mountains really look like? To me, those would always be big issues on a life threatening scale. I am not even sure deployments look like mountains to me. It probably did before I left, but after I stepped on that plane, I knew it was a molehill. So what does a mountain in a relationship look like, especially amongst Christians? I find that more frequently I see molehills where others see mountains and that tends to make me more dismissive of people's feelings. I am not generally a very sensitive person and that becomes a mountain to some. I don't really know what to do with those mountains, other than to pray that God would move them or that the other person would realize they are molehills. But even if they are mountains, is the point to turn away from them, or to climb them? Are we supposed to take them on with caution and care, knowing that we will grow and be strengthened, or are the risks much greater than the rewards? But molehills aren't so small they are to be ignored either. They can cause stumbling and should be dealt with cautiously. But how do you deal with them cautiously? Do you avoid playing in an open field because there are a few molehills and you are afraid of falling? Or do you risk it as a chance to grow and learn? How do you make some complicated simple? And how do you show others that it is simple too? And for me specifically, how can I show that I am willing to play within boundaries and that I am willing to take some risks, but with far more caution and a great deal of tenderness. How do I show more concern for the feelings of another person over my own? How can I love others best? And how do I continue to move towards reconciliation when I also feel like I am standing still and do not know how best to move?
Spiritual: Well, to put it lightly, God has answered me, but He hasn't answered my prayers. I am still waiting for answers to my specific prayers. But God has also shown up and showed me that I am exactly where He wants me, doing exactly as He wants me to do. I am slowly learning to listen as I pray. I am slowly learning that prayer is not a one way list of demands, it is a conversation. If all I am doing is talking and then moving on, how will I get any answers? How will I know when to move and when to stop? And probably one of the biggest answers God has given me came the morning after I agreed to listen and to hear what God would tell me, a senior NCO (non-commissioned officer) in my unit came to me and told me that he was going to fast from meat for the next two weeks with me. He says he woke up that morning and knew in his heart that that was the right thing to do. I was moved to the brink of tears. God called someone else to walk through this with me, and this person had enough faith that it didn't even matter to him that he doesn't know what I am praying for. All he could say is that whatever it is, I must really want it a lot. And that was good enough for him. What faith?! What inspiration?! As I was struggling with God for Him to give me an answer to my prayers, here comes a guy that is willing to say, I don't even need to know what to pray. I was so uplifted. I was so relieved. He and I have shared many meals together since then. He still doesn't know what I am praying for. And I am hoping to tell him once God has given me an answer. He even went with me to the dining facility when our unit was having a fourth of July bbq, so that we could sit and eat rice and vegetables. I am constantly reminded I am not alone. But I still find myself desperately wanting the answers to my prayers more than I have wanted companions in my praying. Maybe once I get my priorities straight I will actually get my answers. Or maybe then I will just have more peace. I do not know...
Alright, I know I have suspiciously absent from blogging for the last few months. At first, it was just the business of having friends and family coming to visit and hitting the slopes during any down time we had, but then that reason changed. On February 13th, Kevin and I found out that we are expecting our first child.We kept the news mostly to ourselves until week 8 and decided that after we told our family, we wouldn't put anything online until we reached our second trimester (when the risk of miscarriage is greatly reduced). 
We have also had a few people already starting to buy baby gifts. My friend Michelle technically got the first baby gift (but she was also told early as I felt horribly guilty. I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding on October 18th and baby is due the next day!) Naturally, since we met in college, she bought baby's first Illini gear. My mom came in second with a silver rattle, a duck toy (we are going pond themed for the nursery since it is gender neutral), and a piggy bank. Since then, I only know of one toy that has been bought by my mom and a bunch of books. My mom and sister have made it their mission to create baby's library. 
