Afghanistan: Number 17

Ok, so I am a day late, but at least I am not a dollar short.  Here is my 17th blog post from Afghanistan for my 20th week.  Life has been pretty good and also pretty bland here in Afghanistan.  So I will just jump right in in my usual style.

Mental:  I have really been doing a ton for Lean Six Sigma and I had better get my butt on it in the next week or I am going to find myself in some trouble.  I am already behind from starting over and I can't honestly say I have made much effort to do any better.  But I have been challenging my brain in other ways through book reading and studying.  But I will touch on that under the spiritual paragraph, so I won't touch on it now.

Financial: I finally bought another stock.  It has a high EPS of about 8.26 and their next earnings report comes out Thursday.    I bought it the other day and currently haven't made anything on it, but long term, it seems like this stock is just continuing to climb.  I actually owned it a couple of months ago and it has gained a lot since then.  I kind of wish I had held onto it, but cest la vie.  I am going to watch it carefully for the next few days to see what it does.  I am expecting this to be a short to mid-term stock.  I have been looking at several others too, but I want to be at a safer point with this one first.  Within the first few days of buying a stock, even if you sell it, the money isn't available right away.  So in another day or so, I will probably make my next purchase.

Physical: It has been a good workout week for me.  I only missed one workout day, which was more because I had miscalculated the time accidentally and woke up too late.  And as I have been working out more, I have found that my appetite has been decreasing (which generally happens to me when I am getting into a consistent schedule).  Unfortunately, because I haven't been as hungry, I also haven't been getting my green drinks in.  So I need to make sure I am keeping up good habits there.  I also need to learn to balance my running speed.  Since I have started incorporating sprints and going faster for shorter periods of time, I am starting out too fast on some of my longer runs and am burning out too quickly.  Which is an issue because I am still planning on running the army ten-miler in October.  I want to run that at an 8:30-9:00 mile but I keep taking off at a 7:30 pace and burning out.  I need to get used to both distances and train my body to do it.  And what I really need is to be able to run at night.  I always end up sucking wind in the mornings because it just keeps getting hotter the longer I go.  Or I need to get up earlier... which I am not good at. 

Emotional: This week has been a good one.  I am connecting really well with my husband and we seem to be at the best place we have been this whole deployment.  To be honest though, I think we have just in the process of constant improvement in our relationship since I got here.  I still question as to whether or not I am a good wife and if I really can be when I am so far away, but as I see my marriage prosper, I guess I have to answer that yes.  I think the reality is, God's got this and I don't need to worry about it.  I just need to respect and love my husband and the rest will fall into place.  But that isn't always easy, especially as I am within a week of my anniversary and have to square with the fact that I have never been with my husband on our anniversary.

I also feel at a good place emotionally in my workplace.  I feel like I am connecting with others better and am not as impatient as I first was.  Since we moved to Bagram, it feels like we are all cramped, all the time.  And that really used to bother me at first.  But now we are reaching a point of greater cohesion and I am enjoying the relationships I am building.

My morning journaling

Spiritual:  Well, the biggest update here is that I pretty much finished my first exegesis (a paper on a specific topic or text, usually in reference to a religious document) regarding the doctrine of covenants.  I am not going to go into it here much, but I completed my first draft, had Kevin review it and made some updates.  It is currently 17 pages in length.  I think I am going to find some ways to break it up into smaller chunks and get rid of some of the details to post here on my blog.  Don't worry though, I will make the full length text available to you too.  This has been quite the under taking and has taken me a little over a week to complete.  It involved a lot of reading and research and has been mentally taxing and spiritually draining.  But I also think this is part of the reason why God has called me into a time of fasting and prayer.

I have also been doing really well at keeping up with my reading and praying.  I find that an hour in the mornings is almost too little to read and pray, but that really seems dependent on what I am reading, how much and how much is sticking with me.  I have been enjoying taking notes of everything in the mornings because it helps me to see the fruits of my efforts over time.  I am also still praying for the guy in my unit that I have been praying for pretty much since we got here.  I think I am nearing 150 days straight of praying for him, and plan to continue doing so.  I have also continued to fast and pray for my friends who I love dearly but am not on the terms I would like to see us on.  But such is life and I am good with giving both of these cases over to God and let Him answer them to me in His own way and in His own time.  For now, I will just keep praying.

Afghanistan: Number 16 (50th Blog Post)!

Me and my boss eating in the DFAC

Alright everyone, it's that time of the week again.  Time for another update from Afghanistan.  I am in my twenty-first week here and am also excited that this is my fiftieth blog post!   I can't tell if that's a lot or a little for less than a year of blogging.  I hope I have enough to say to get me to 100 posts, though I have recently realized that I am a very talkative introvert, so I am sure I will have no problems there.

Mental: So, I haven't been doing much on my lean six sigma project.  With our instructor on R&R, I don't think it has really been on anyone's mind much.  I still have to pretty much start from scratch on my project and I have done a little bit of data capturing, but aside from that, not much progress at all.  I have finished a couple of books (Secret Confessions of an Unlikely Convert and The Circle Maker- both of which I loved!) and am onto a new book.  I am now reading a new book called "In a Pit with a Lion On a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson, who is the same author as The Circle Maker.  It has been very invigorating to read more every day and I enjoy the intellectual stimulation I find generally lacking.

Financial: So still no investing recently.  Hopefully this week I will find a stock I want to buy.  There are more earnings reports coming out at the end of the month so I am thinking I should find something in the next couple of weeks.  Here's hoping!

Physical:  Well, this week has been full of set backs when it comes to work outs.  In Bagram, they have had us wearing our full kit during Ramadan.  That means wearing our individual body armor with plates and our kevlar helmets.  It's heavy and cumbersome.  And the first couple of days we had to wear it whenever we went outside.  This really meant no running and we had to wear our stuff to the gym.  So... my motivation plummeted a bit.  But now we only have to wear it during hours of darkness, so I will be resuming my workouts tomorrow.  On the plus side, I have finally found a concoction that tastes good but looks disgusting.  Its a mixture of orange juice, pineapple juice, water, a scoop of berry green drink, a scoop of lemon lime green drink and a scoop of orange dreamsicle protein powder.  It has about 32 grams of protein and only 4 grams of fat.  I am not really doing it as a meal replacement, just a meal supplement.  Even when I am eating meat, I tend to not get enough protein.  So that is why I started doing this.  Plus, I never get enough fruits and vegetables.  Regardless, this actually tastes good and is filling, so I am going to stick with it.  My intention is to keep up with it even when I get back home to Fort Carson.

Emotional: Another week, another roller coaster.  I know I have written about it much in the last few weeks and months, but I still struggle with the idea of being a good wife while I am in Afghanistan.  As I am less than two weeks out from my wedding anniversary, I cannot help but reminisce on things back home.   This will be my third anniversary and the third one that I have missed because of the Army.  Kevin and I are still close, but there is so much we cannot talk about because a. time does not allow, b. both of our jobs rely heavily on dealing in classified environments or c. because it's just not understandable when you don't know the people involved.  I miss having him to debate theology with, vent to, discuss complex ideas, tackle our future plans and just plain old have married people conversations.  One of my favorite things about Kevin is that he is very intellectually stimulating and I enjoy pretty much every single conversation we have.  As I woke up this morning and went to open my bible, I remembered that back home, when Kevin and I got up, we would go down stairs to our couch, snuggle up together under the blankets and both read our own bibles and then pray together over the day.  At night, he would read a chapter from the old testament to me while we were in bed and then we would pray together and go to sleep.  Even though I am living the basically the same schedule, it is really not the same without Kevin near.  He was probably a lot of my motivation before, because I enjoyed doing these activities with him and I enjoyed his company.  Now I do them alone and it makes me a little sad.  I was explaining to my boss the other day that though I swear a lot out here, I don't with Kevin.  People find it odd, and those that are out here with me seem to think it is unbelievable.  Especially when I tell them I don't have to try not to.  It may seem crazy, but whenever I talk to God (through prayer) or to my husband, I don't have to try not to swear, those words just never come to my mind.  And the reason is that because they both give me such peace that is pacifies my thoughts and makes them less vulgar. Now, I am working on not swearing, but it makes me realize how little I open my marriage up to those I work with.  I do not want them to see the vulnerability I have in my husband's presence.  That somehow, them knowing that I desire to be a submissive and peaceful wife will make them see me as something less.  Being with Kevin extinguishes the needless fires the Army creates.  The Army wants a killer, but being with Kevin makes me more into a pacifist.  And it is nothing he does; he is just soothing to my soul.  It is one of the biggest reasons I married him.  He calms me down, evens me out and makes me a more self-controlled and rational individual.  I have never met another man who has had such a great effect on my life, aside from the one I met hanging on a cross as a ten year old kid in a church basement during vacation bible school.  It is somewhat funny to me when anyone suggests that I would want to be with anyone else.

Another piece to my emotional state has been that I have found out that my request to leave my current unit is being granted.  There are a couple of possibilities for my new unit but it will still be on Fort Carson.  My brigade commander has approved it as well as my battalion commander, so I know it is so.  Without going in to too much detail, the gist of the story is such.  I am not dissatisfied with my current unit, nor my branch.  However, I have only seen one side of my logistical branch and to make any sort of informed decision about whether or not to stay in or get out, I need to see more.  It is not with any certainty at all that I will stay in, and it is still leaning the other way.  But so long as I am considering it, I need to have as many facts as possible. I really enjoy being in the Army.  Everyone I have met, both officers and enlisted, have told me multiple times that if I stay in, I will go far and will be very successful.  So, it is being considered.  Kevin and I still have much to talk about and I still have two years before any decisions need to be made.

Spiritual:  This functional area of my life has caused me much grief and joy over the past week or so.  In terms of just theology, I found in my reading some verses in 1 Samuel 18, 19, 20 and 22 discussing a covenant friendship.  This, to me, was a new type of covenant.  I had never heard of a covenant between friends before and the idea pretty much consumed me.  I spent a lot of time studying it and considering what it might be and what it might look like.  I have many conclusions on the matter and plan on blogging about it topically very soon.

I am have been fasting for over two weeks now and in the last week have changed the way I arrange my spiritual life.  I am now devoting the first hour of my day to the Lord.  I wake up an hour earlier than I need to and spend the first part reading a few chapters from my bible and recording verses that stick out to me. I then make a list of everything and everyone I want to pray for and spend whatever is left of the hour (usually 30-40 minutes) praying over the verses that stuck out, any theological content from my reading that didn't make sense, and my long list of prayer requests.  Along with my fasting, I pray multiple times during the day.  I am still in a place of hoping for healing and reconciliation between myself and two people very dear to my heart.  I am not going to quit fasting nor praying until God grants me an answer on the matter, but I Have given it over to Him.  The reality is, this battle is His, not mine and thus the glory belongs to Him and not to me.  I am not moving from my position because I am waiting on the Lord.  He will move when He is ready.  And I am trying to embrace in my heart a spirit of patience and a movement of my prayer from "as soon as possible" to "as long as it takes."  I have already accepted the Lord's will for my life, whatever that may be.  I am completely at peace with getting an answer of "no." But what I find myself struggling with is the Lord's timing.  I am not a patient person by nature nor trade.  I don't care what the answer is, I just want it now.  Which isn't how God works and He doesn't seem to keen towards my petty demands of timing that is most convenient for me.  I am sure He will continue to break that down in me over time, but for now, I just keep trying to remind myself "as long as it takes."  I am also ending my evenings by reading and then praying.  At night's when I pray, I actually fully writing them out, which I started doing when I first got here.  The funny thing to me though is that my prayers definitely get longer and more full of life when I look at them over time.  My prayer's when I first got here were generic and lifeless. This reflected my prayer life on the whole.  I didn't pray often nor intently.  Now I pray frequently and fervently. It is a habit I hope makes it back to the states with me because I know it has grown me a lot.  God is changing my heart and making me a more loving person.  He has a lot of work ahead of Him, to say the least. As do I.

Afghanistan: Number 15

Alright, so I am officially in my twentieth week in Afghanistan, which means we are definitely more than halfway done.  I feel like that fact should be more exciting to me than it is.  But I find it hard to think of home when I know we still have a lot of time left.  But at least it is on the down slope.  Hopefully it will feel like it is going fast, though I am choosing not to wish time away.  This weekend, my family is actually traveling out to Jackson, WY to see a musical my sister is assisting in directing and my Dad is in.  I know they are all very excited as they are approaching opening night, and I am praying it goes well for them.  I definitely wish I could be home to see this!

Financial: So I will start with the most boring of my updates.  I still am not investing in any new stocks.  I am finding the market to be a little fickle this week and am not interested in any particular stocks.  Again, I hope by the end of the month, something worthwhile catches my eye.  But we shall see.

Mental: So, my Lean Six Sigma projected wasn't really taking off because there was nothing in my process to control.  Or at least, nothing in my process for me to control.  And that is very important for Lean Six Sigma because that is they way we determine if our improvements have been effective and if we actually made our process more efficient.  So, I am back to square one.  I am completely starting over with a new project in mind.  Instead of caring about container movements, I will be looking at how we have created standardization in our Forward Retrograde Elements and how we have minimized shipments around Afghanistan.  This was one of my planning efforts in May, so I have already put a lot of the work in, I just didn't do it through Lean Six Sigma and I need to now.  That means re-gathering old data and look at trends before, during and after improvements.

I am also pursuing other career options outside of my unit.  I have spoken with my commander regarding the matter and I have his support.  Now he will take my request to our brigade commander and we will see what his answer is.  I am curious to see how this will go and how things will land. I have many reasons for seeking a new job, but I do not think it is time to share them yet.  I am sure it will come up within the next few blog posts, but for now, it will continue in discussions with my husband and with my leadership.  But in an attempt to not leaving anyone hanging, nothing bad has happened and I am in no way a disgruntled Soldier asking to leave my unit.

Physical: So, I am still drinking about 1-2 green drinks a day.  It has really helped me feel good and has helped to keep me from snacking.  I also received my protein powder a couple of days ago.  I am not sure how I feel about it yet and need to find some good mixtures for drinking it.  I bought the orange creamsicle flavor and it mostly just tastes like vanilla with the tiniest hint of orange.  Which sucks because I love citrus flavored drinks.  But I have found that one scoop of protein powder, plus one small carton of orange juice, one small carton of pineapple juice and one scoop of lemon lime flavored grass stuff seems to do the trick.  It actually tastes pretty good, but a little too sweet.   I will probably start adding some water to mellow it out and will continue with my crazy concoction brewing.

For my workouts, a couple of days ago I decided that I should incorporate sprints with iron mikes (lunges for you non-military types) to the tune of about 150.  My legs still hurt several days later.  I am planning to start a 5 day a week workout plan next week.  The plan is to do one long run a week (4-8 miles), one 3 mile run a week (for time), one workout dedicated to sprints, lunges, squats, calf raises, etc a week, and then one day of arms (pull ups, chins ups, push ups, tricep curls, chest presses, butterflies) and one day dedicated to abs. This will help me train not only for my PT test and getting a better run score, but it should also help me tackle the Army ten-miler here on Bagram in good time. I think getting into a schedule will help me and make it a little bit harder to skip workouts, because it will actually throw off my plans.  Here's hoping that provides me with some motivation, because I find it hard to motivate myself to work out, especially when I am working out alone.

Emotional: This week has been a roller coaster and I am not sure what else to say.  When I think of my current situation, I cannot help but wonder why relationships must be so complicated.  What is it about the human condition that makes us to prone towards drama and discord? Personally, I normally cut cords and run from these types of scenarios and people.  I am more than willing to be confrontational, but usually, if someone takes issue with me, I just let go an move on.  Honestly, you can ask most anyone from my past about this and they will probably acknowledge that I did it to them.  I am not one to stand and fight for a relationship that I am not sure can be saved, or I am not sure I want to have saved, or I am not sure is worth the effort to save.  This honest portrayal of myself has  lead many to describe me as cold.  I have very rarely fought for reconciliation.  I have very rarely felt the need to fight, to prove my love or my concern at all.

But thinking about that, I started thinking back and trying to remember a time when reconciliation mattered as much to me as it does now (apart from with my family and my husband, of course).  And oddly enough, the memory that came to me was back in first grade.  My best friend, Angel, and I had gotten into a fight.  It was picture day at school and my mom had insisted I wear a dress.  And with that dress came shoes that wouldn't easily stay on my feet and had no traction.  Which wasn't a big deal until it came time for recess.  You see, Angel and I's favorite games at recess generally revolved around chasing boys and "beating them up" (never anything serious, but we would catch them, they would get mad, call us a name, and we would kick them in the shins or do something to that effect, then run away and they would chase us back).  But in my shoes with no traction, I could not play our game that day, and for whatever reason, that meant that we could not be friends either.  But by the end of recess, my other friend, Becky, brought us back together and it was decided that I would be good to run the next day when I got to wear my normal shoes and life resumed as normal.  This fight is still vivid in my my mind, but even more vivid was our make up.  I can remember sitting on the curb with Becky in between us, trying to create peace and solve our problem.

I think back to that day and I cannot help but wonder why it cannot always be that easy.  Perhaps it is my immaturity in relationships, or maybe just life in general, but I am really at a loss for why everything seems so complicated.  Why do we make mountains out of molehills? And what do mountains really look like?  To me, those would always be big issues on a life threatening scale.  I am not even sure deployments look like mountains to me.  It probably did before I left, but after I stepped on that plane, I knew it was a molehill.  So what does a mountain in a relationship look like, especially amongst Christians?  I find that more frequently I see molehills where others see mountains and that tends to make me more dismissive of people's feelings.  I am not generally a very sensitive person and that becomes a mountain to some.  I don't really know what to do with those mountains, other than to pray that God would move them or that the other person would realize they are molehills.  But even if they are mountains, is the point to turn away from them, or to climb them?  Are we supposed to take them on with caution and care, knowing that we will grow and be strengthened, or are the risks much greater than the rewards?  But molehills aren't so small they are to be ignored either.  They can cause stumbling and should be dealt with cautiously.  But how do you deal with them cautiously? Do you avoid playing in an open field because there are a few molehills and you are afraid of falling? Or do you risk it as a chance to grow and learn? How do you make some complicated simple? And how do you show others that it is simple too?  And for me specifically, how can I show that I am willing to play within boundaries and that I am willing to take some risks, but with far more caution and a great deal of tenderness.  How do I show more concern for the feelings of another person over my own?  How can I love others best? And how do I continue to move towards reconciliation when I also feel like I am standing still and do not know how best to move?

Spiritual: Well, to put it lightly, God has answered me, but He hasn't answered my prayers. I am still waiting for answers to my specific prayers.  But God has also shown up and showed me that I am exactly where He wants me, doing exactly as He wants me to do.  I am slowly learning to listen as I pray.  I am slowly learning that prayer is not a one way list of demands, it is a conversation.  If all I am doing is talking and then moving on, how will I get any answers? How will I know when to move and when to stop?  And probably one of the biggest answers God has given me came the morning after I agreed to listen and to hear what God would tell me, a senior NCO (non-commissioned officer) in my unit came to me and told me that he was going to fast from meat for the next two weeks with me.  He says he woke up that morning and knew in his heart that that was the right thing to do.  I was moved to the brink of tears.  God called someone else to walk through this with me, and this person had enough faith that it didn't even matter to him that he doesn't know what I am praying for.  All he could say is that whatever it is, I must really want it a lot.  And that was good enough for him.  What faith?! What inspiration?! As I was struggling with God for Him to give me an answer to my prayers, here comes a guy that is willing to say, I don't even need to know what to pray.  I was so uplifted.  I was so relieved.  He and I have shared many meals together since then.  He still doesn't know what I am praying for.  And I am hoping to tell him once God has given me an answer.  He even went with me to the dining facility when our unit was having a fourth of July bbq, so that we could sit and eat rice and vegetables.  I am constantly reminded I am not alone.  But I still find myself desperately wanting the answers to my prayers more than I have wanted companions in my praying.  Maybe once I get my priorities straight I will actually get my answers.  Or maybe then I will just have more peace.  I do not know...

Afghanistan: Number 14... Rough Week

Alright, so here is my 14th post in my 19th week.  By far, this has been the worst week of the deployment, but I can say it is getting better constantly.  Where there has been hurt, there has also been healing and I thank God He doesn't leave us in isolation.  This week has been a constant reminder that He is in control, I am not, and that is the way it should be.

The ingredients

Physical: One bright light in my dark week is that I maxed out my PT test yesterday morning.  This is the first time I have maxed my PT test in my new age bracket, so I am really happy.  I did 46 push ups (then stopped because I reached the max), 98 sit ups and ran two miles in 14:56, which is just 6 seconds shy of my fastest time ever.  I am hoping to continue improving and see how close I can get that time to 14:00, as well as continuing to train for the Army ten-miler in October.  I have gotten some good running tips from people and I am hoping with some help, I can reach my goals. I also weighed in at 130 lbs, which is pretty much the lightest I have been in the last three years.  I haven't been trying to lose weight at all, but since my first weigh in a couple of months ago, I have lost 7 pounds.  I guess I am excited about that, but mostly I don't care.  If this had happened a year ago, I would be ecstatic.  But I gave up caring and realized that all I want is to be healthy, regardless of what the scale says.

Yes, I drink this. And yes, it tastes awful.

Aside from that, I have started to be more aware of the things I put into my body.  I have started drinking amazing grass drinks to supplement my diet.  They are low in calories, but high in fruits and vegetables.  I usually drink between one and three a day depending on how I am feeling.  I have also ordered some protein powder to help supplement the amount of protein I am taking in.  I am not looking to bulk up at all, but with my increase in exercise, especially distance running, I am not sure that my current protein intake fits my future need.  Plus, I am taking glucosamine-chondrotin, vitamin D, a pro-biotic and daily multi-vitamin to increase my overall health, and especially my joint health.

Mental:  So I have made some progress on my lean six sigma project, but I am waiting for it to be run through mini-tab.  I am trying to get as far as I can on the things I need help with before our instructor goes on R&R in the next couple of weeks.  My goal is really to get caught up.  I am also trying to help plan some of the next phases in our operation at work and am expecting work to pick up a bit here during the next week or so.  I have also been reading two books that I am really enjoying.  One is called "Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert" which brings mind-blowing simplicity to complicated church doctrine.  The other is called "The Circle Maker" which has already greatly affected my prayer life.

On a different note, I am currently in the wake of some potentially big career moves.  To put it lightly, I am contemplating going for some really hard, but really cool jobs within my field.  It runs the risk of deploying again (perhaps even right away), but I think it would be very difficult, and thus, very rewarding.  But I am not giving anything away until I have the chance to talk to my branch manager about my future and where I want to go.

Financial: No new updates here.  I have been watching the market and am glad I haven't found anything to invest in right now.  I am still planning to invest, but I am waiting until something hits me.  The stocks I bought into that made me the most definitely stuck out to me moreso than the ones that didn't.  So I am patiently waiting for the stocks that jump off the page and not investing just to invest.

Emotional: Oh jeez, I barely know where to start on this one.  I guess what I should say here is that I am drained.  I feel so spent emotionally that I can barely think of how I am feeling.  I find myself moving forward in the same love and kindness that I had before towards those around me.  I still find myself in Christ's joy despite my pain.  Where I do struggle is towards those back home.  I find that many want to talk about the Soldiers that died here last week and I find that irritating, to say the least.  The words they choose to "comfort" me seem to lack any understanding of who I am or why I am here.  The deaths brought out a fear in people back home and I do not know how to deal with it.  Yes, that could have been me. But it wasn't.  And I am not afraid that next time, maybe it will be.  I volunteered to be here, I love my job, I love being in the Army, and I am proud to be serving.  Even when I want to be home, I don't hate it here.  I have wanted to be in the Army since August 2001.  I was twelve years old. This has been where I have wanted to be for half my life.  I do not regret it, not for a minute.

Spiritual: How do I open this bag? God has been doing a great work in my life.  I am closer to Him now than I have probably ever been before.  After last weeks debacle, I felt God's pull telling me not to let go, but to give everything over to prayer.  Which I did.... but impatiently and without faith.  I tried to continue to influence the situation. I tried to force growth and understanding.  I wanted things to be in my own time and not God's.  I made things significantly worse.  I forgot, or perhaps, hadn't yet realized a fundamental truth; "It is better to be wrong on an important subject than right on a trivial one, as long as you are willing to learn from your mistakes." (Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert).  I was at my wits end.  And yet, I still felt called to not let go.  On my face before the Lord, I cried out in prayer asking to be able to let it go.  To not stay near to the thing that brought me pain.  I wanted to be able to put the emotion away, as it was taxing and draining.  I wanted to just let it all go.  And yet, I still felt the answer was no.  Stay put. Hold fast. Pray harder.  As I read more about who God is and what He expects, my prayer life has changed dramatically.  As I am called to pray, I am also currently called into a fast unlike anything I have ever experienced.  It is indefinite.  And I am waiting for God to perform a miracle.  I am waiting for Him to resurrect something that, from where I am standing, looks dead.

I am asking God for reconciliation.  At the moment, I want nothing more than to talk to the wife of my friend.  I have much to apologize for, and unfortunately, when I actually still had the opportunity, I did not take it.   To experience healing, I know there must be confession and, if possible, reconciliation.  The door to just go to her has pretty much been shut.  But I still remember what God has called me to.  Matt 5:23-24 makes it clear, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." I know my desire for reconciliation is a desire to do what God has called me to, but I am trying to be patient at the same time.  I am trying to be respectful, and give both her and God time.  I am torn between "Go and be reconciled to them" and being loving through patience.  I am trying to give God time to work, and I am actually praying that she would come when she is ready.  I have much to apologize for, which I will not go into for the sake of airing someone else's laundry, but I have much forgiveness to ask.   I had the chance to show meekness and humility and I definitely blew that.  I am hoping for the chance to try again.  And when I say that I am hoping, I mean that I am praying fervently for God to work a miracle that is completely within His power to do, acknowledging that everything is to happen within His timing and at His call, expecting that He will show up and move mountains, but accepting that the answer may be no.


I have never before been so close to praying "without ceasing".  I pray when I first wake up and as my last thoughts before I fall asleep.  I pray in the shower and before every meal.  I pray during my meals.  I pray when I am walking to my meals (I find that these are some of the changes because of my fast).  I pray during work.  I pray during exercise.  I am praying constantly that God will move and reconciliation will happen, all to His glory and a show of His power.  I can say, from where I am standing, my request is a miracle of resurrection, because, by definition, it cannot and will not happen apart from Him.  Our friendship will not come back without His power to heal.  Beause "With God, there is no big or small, easy or difficult, possible or impossible... He has no beginning and no end. To the infinite, all finites are equal." (The Circle Maker)