Afghanistan: Number 20

Ok everyone, I know I have missed a couple of posts.  To put it shortly, the theme of my last couple of weeks is exhaustion.  I have never felt before like I do now and I cannot think of anything comparable to it.  All I can say is that when I get back home, I might just sleep for a whole week.  On, that note, I plan to keep this short and direct.  So here is post 20, week 25 (ish... I am not really sure anymore).

Financial:  So I currently own two stocks and both are doing well.  The one is sitting at about 10% gain and is climbing slightly.  The other, is near, if not over, 25% gained.  The latter actually climbed even higher than that recently and then fell slighting, but is climbing back up.  I am interested to see how high it is going to go. And don't intend to sell right away.

Mental:  So, not really much progress on my lean six sigma project, but I have been helping someone else out with theirs.  I am not really sure how I got dragged onto their team, but they got a short suspense and needed the help.  As difficult as it has been, I am glad to help out a friend and I know it helped relieve some of their burden, so I don't mind so much.  Though there have been moments when I wanted to gouge my eyes out after staring at powerpoint slide for days on end, I'd like to think I did some good.  And unfortunately, it isn't done yet.  But it is close. But for now, I am slowly starting to shift back to my own project.  I am hoping to knock out my measure and analyze phases in the next couple of days and our final exam is coming up in about a week.  It will be good when I can focus on my project and not have to worry about class anymore.

Emotional:  It has been crazy busy over here and I feel like I have been running 100 mph.  I am completely exhausted and feeling quite spent.  To put it lightly, I am feeling burnt out.  I have been traveling and working non-stop for probably close to two weeks on a mammoth project that was briefed to a two star general on Saturday.  Unfortunately, it isn't done yet either and so there is still more to do.  But with the brief, the work and the traveling, I just feel completely out of energy.  And when that gets tied in with the crazy drama my unit is currently experiencing (but that I cannot go into), it just leaves me feeling like I have been hit by a freight train.  I don't think I have ever been so tired before.  And the thing that helps me get through that is the people in my unit.  My friends and coworkers here have been such a relief to me.  Being able to sit and chat and joke and laugh in the midst of sheer exhaustion as been very comforting.  I cannot say that it makes the work load feel worth it, but it is definitely what gets me through.

Physical: This has fallen to the wayside during my traveling and working the last couple of weeks.  I am hoping to return to a more normal schedule now that I am back in Bagram, but we shall see.  I need to find a more consistent schedule and get my butt outside and run more.  On the up side, the weather is calming down and it is more pleasant to run.  On the down side, I am tired and don't feel like going.  I still am hoping to do the Army ten miler in October, but I need the pace in my life to slow down a bit first.

Spiritual: While I have maintained the ability to read my bible twice a day, this past couple of weeks has been destructive to my quiet times.  The long hours just nugging away in front of a computer took their toll and I am hoping that now that I am back in Bagram, I might be able to get some solid sleep and reset myself.  Unfortunately, I am feeling spiritually very weak, just like I do in every other area of my life right now.  I feel like I lack the emotional capacity to handle my exhaustion and that it is seeping into every area of my life.  I pray daily for strength and drive but I can hardly find it.  The worst part of my day is waking up and dragging myself out of bed. I'd love to end this with something witty or inspiring, but I have got nothing.  I am still here and feel like a balloon with a slow leak that is just about out.  We are going home in two months but I cannot give thought to anything past today without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  Hopefully, the next couple of weeks will slow down and I will find my strength renewed.  I have heard that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I am now contemplating if it is possible to walk away without being hardened and changed. 

Afghanistan: Number 15

Alright, so I am officially in my twentieth week in Afghanistan, which means we are definitely more than halfway done.  I feel like that fact should be more exciting to me than it is.  But I find it hard to think of home when I know we still have a lot of time left.  But at least it is on the down slope.  Hopefully it will feel like it is going fast, though I am choosing not to wish time away.  This weekend, my family is actually traveling out to Jackson, WY to see a musical my sister is assisting in directing and my Dad is in.  I know they are all very excited as they are approaching opening night, and I am praying it goes well for them.  I definitely wish I could be home to see this!

Financial: So I will start with the most boring of my updates.  I still am not investing in any new stocks.  I am finding the market to be a little fickle this week and am not interested in any particular stocks.  Again, I hope by the end of the month, something worthwhile catches my eye.  But we shall see.

Mental: So, my Lean Six Sigma projected wasn't really taking off because there was nothing in my process to control.  Or at least, nothing in my process for me to control.  And that is very important for Lean Six Sigma because that is they way we determine if our improvements have been effective and if we actually made our process more efficient.  So, I am back to square one.  I am completely starting over with a new project in mind.  Instead of caring about container movements, I will be looking at how we have created standardization in our Forward Retrograde Elements and how we have minimized shipments around Afghanistan.  This was one of my planning efforts in May, so I have already put a lot of the work in, I just didn't do it through Lean Six Sigma and I need to now.  That means re-gathering old data and look at trends before, during and after improvements.

I am also pursuing other career options outside of my unit.  I have spoken with my commander regarding the matter and I have his support.  Now he will take my request to our brigade commander and we will see what his answer is.  I am curious to see how this will go and how things will land. I have many reasons for seeking a new job, but I do not think it is time to share them yet.  I am sure it will come up within the next few blog posts, but for now, it will continue in discussions with my husband and with my leadership.  But in an attempt to not leaving anyone hanging, nothing bad has happened and I am in no way a disgruntled Soldier asking to leave my unit.

Physical: So, I am still drinking about 1-2 green drinks a day.  It has really helped me feel good and has helped to keep me from snacking.  I also received my protein powder a couple of days ago.  I am not sure how I feel about it yet and need to find some good mixtures for drinking it.  I bought the orange creamsicle flavor and it mostly just tastes like vanilla with the tiniest hint of orange.  Which sucks because I love citrus flavored drinks.  But I have found that one scoop of protein powder, plus one small carton of orange juice, one small carton of pineapple juice and one scoop of lemon lime flavored grass stuff seems to do the trick.  It actually tastes pretty good, but a little too sweet.   I will probably start adding some water to mellow it out and will continue with my crazy concoction brewing.

For my workouts, a couple of days ago I decided that I should incorporate sprints with iron mikes (lunges for you non-military types) to the tune of about 150.  My legs still hurt several days later.  I am planning to start a 5 day a week workout plan next week.  The plan is to do one long run a week (4-8 miles), one 3 mile run a week (for time), one workout dedicated to sprints, lunges, squats, calf raises, etc a week, and then one day of arms (pull ups, chins ups, push ups, tricep curls, chest presses, butterflies) and one day dedicated to abs. This will help me train not only for my PT test and getting a better run score, but it should also help me tackle the Army ten-miler here on Bagram in good time. I think getting into a schedule will help me and make it a little bit harder to skip workouts, because it will actually throw off my plans.  Here's hoping that provides me with some motivation, because I find it hard to motivate myself to work out, especially when I am working out alone.

Emotional: This week has been a roller coaster and I am not sure what else to say.  When I think of my current situation, I cannot help but wonder why relationships must be so complicated.  What is it about the human condition that makes us to prone towards drama and discord? Personally, I normally cut cords and run from these types of scenarios and people.  I am more than willing to be confrontational, but usually, if someone takes issue with me, I just let go an move on.  Honestly, you can ask most anyone from my past about this and they will probably acknowledge that I did it to them.  I am not one to stand and fight for a relationship that I am not sure can be saved, or I am not sure I want to have saved, or I am not sure is worth the effort to save.  This honest portrayal of myself has  lead many to describe me as cold.  I have very rarely fought for reconciliation.  I have very rarely felt the need to fight, to prove my love or my concern at all.

But thinking about that, I started thinking back and trying to remember a time when reconciliation mattered as much to me as it does now (apart from with my family and my husband, of course).  And oddly enough, the memory that came to me was back in first grade.  My best friend, Angel, and I had gotten into a fight.  It was picture day at school and my mom had insisted I wear a dress.  And with that dress came shoes that wouldn't easily stay on my feet and had no traction.  Which wasn't a big deal until it came time for recess.  You see, Angel and I's favorite games at recess generally revolved around chasing boys and "beating them up" (never anything serious, but we would catch them, they would get mad, call us a name, and we would kick them in the shins or do something to that effect, then run away and they would chase us back).  But in my shoes with no traction, I could not play our game that day, and for whatever reason, that meant that we could not be friends either.  But by the end of recess, my other friend, Becky, brought us back together and it was decided that I would be good to run the next day when I got to wear my normal shoes and life resumed as normal.  This fight is still vivid in my my mind, but even more vivid was our make up.  I can remember sitting on the curb with Becky in between us, trying to create peace and solve our problem.

I think back to that day and I cannot help but wonder why it cannot always be that easy.  Perhaps it is my immaturity in relationships, or maybe just life in general, but I am really at a loss for why everything seems so complicated.  Why do we make mountains out of molehills? And what do mountains really look like?  To me, those would always be big issues on a life threatening scale.  I am not even sure deployments look like mountains to me.  It probably did before I left, but after I stepped on that plane, I knew it was a molehill.  So what does a mountain in a relationship look like, especially amongst Christians?  I find that more frequently I see molehills where others see mountains and that tends to make me more dismissive of people's feelings.  I am not generally a very sensitive person and that becomes a mountain to some.  I don't really know what to do with those mountains, other than to pray that God would move them or that the other person would realize they are molehills.  But even if they are mountains, is the point to turn away from them, or to climb them?  Are we supposed to take them on with caution and care, knowing that we will grow and be strengthened, or are the risks much greater than the rewards?  But molehills aren't so small they are to be ignored either.  They can cause stumbling and should be dealt with cautiously.  But how do you deal with them cautiously? Do you avoid playing in an open field because there are a few molehills and you are afraid of falling? Or do you risk it as a chance to grow and learn? How do you make some complicated simple? And how do you show others that it is simple too?  And for me specifically, how can I show that I am willing to play within boundaries and that I am willing to take some risks, but with far more caution and a great deal of tenderness.  How do I show more concern for the feelings of another person over my own?  How can I love others best? And how do I continue to move towards reconciliation when I also feel like I am standing still and do not know how best to move?

Spiritual: Well, to put it lightly, God has answered me, but He hasn't answered my prayers. I am still waiting for answers to my specific prayers.  But God has also shown up and showed me that I am exactly where He wants me, doing exactly as He wants me to do.  I am slowly learning to listen as I pray.  I am slowly learning that prayer is not a one way list of demands, it is a conversation.  If all I am doing is talking and then moving on, how will I get any answers? How will I know when to move and when to stop?  And probably one of the biggest answers God has given me came the morning after I agreed to listen and to hear what God would tell me, a senior NCO (non-commissioned officer) in my unit came to me and told me that he was going to fast from meat for the next two weeks with me.  He says he woke up that morning and knew in his heart that that was the right thing to do.  I was moved to the brink of tears.  God called someone else to walk through this with me, and this person had enough faith that it didn't even matter to him that he doesn't know what I am praying for.  All he could say is that whatever it is, I must really want it a lot.  And that was good enough for him.  What faith?! What inspiration?! As I was struggling with God for Him to give me an answer to my prayers, here comes a guy that is willing to say, I don't even need to know what to pray.  I was so uplifted.  I was so relieved.  He and I have shared many meals together since then.  He still doesn't know what I am praying for.  And I am hoping to tell him once God has given me an answer.  He even went with me to the dining facility when our unit was having a fourth of July bbq, so that we could sit and eat rice and vegetables.  I am constantly reminded I am not alone.  But I still find myself desperately wanting the answers to my prayers more than I have wanted companions in my praying.  Maybe once I get my priorities straight I will actually get my answers.  Or maybe then I will just have more peace.  I do not know...

Army: Afghanistan Number 8

POST 8 WEEK 10: Ok, so it has been a couple of weeks, so I know it is time for a new post.  For the last week I have been out traveling around Afghanistan.  I have been to Kabul, Bagram, Shank, Sharana and back.  I have several places left to go but don’t know yet when I will be traveling again.  The main purpose behind my travels has been my lean six sigma project, but also to meet our Soldiers where they work out of.  Another big reason for the travel was a quick best practices conference to help create some standardization in our operations despite having people all across Afghanistan. 

But, per my usual style, I will give you a broken down update of life in Afghanistan.

Where the Taliban live

Financial: Oh, the frustration.  My plan was to do my investing before I left for battlefield circulation (what we call it when we travel around to see our Soldiers).  Unfortunately, USAA had other plans.  I did not know that it would take a week before the funds I transferred into my USAA account would become available.  So while I was out and about, I only managed to do some investigating once or twice and for a short amount of time.  So now I need to start my research over and find some stocks to invest in this week.  We shall see how it goes. 

Physical: So, I this week I plan on taking another diagnostic APFT.  My run time is improving (I think) but I honestly need to work on my upper body strength the most.  The other day, one of my workout partners decided it was time to do pull ups and dips and I was sad to see where I was at.  I used to be able to do 8 pull ups straight and now I am pulling out about 3.  So I need to work on that more now, since I have about a month before I will probably be taking my PT test.

Emotional: One step forward, two steps back this week.  I haven’t hardly been able to talk to Kevin while I was traveling since I can only really get a hold of him at night his time.  Normally when I would have been able to call him, I was traveling so it made everything more difficult.  But, what I am also struggling through is hearing the issues he is having at home without minimalizing them based off of what I am experiencing here.  For example, there have been some issues at work and with my chain of command that is resulting in some drastic changes on top of some already necessary changes.  2 out of 3 company commanders in our battalion are changing out because their time in command is up and two of our field grades are leaving the unit.  Just like every other Army unit, people are fluid and constantly changing.  And, like any unit experiences, there are ethical issues, moral issues and flat out legal issues we are dealing with on a daily basis.  And it is not that things are terrible here, nor even out of the norm (I think a lot of units experience similar issues down range.  It’s what makes deployments so hard).  On top of that, we get to deal with rocket attacks and the like on a fairly regular basis.   So when Kevin complains about something simple, like his grad school homework load, I find my patience growing very short and my temper rising.  I am guessing this is a similar reaction to what I have heard from before out of other Soldiers.  But, I know I get no excuses and I have to be respectful of my husband regardless. And there really aren't any good excuses for being impatient towards any one, because everyone is going through something and there are many, many people who have it far worse than me.  So for now, I am going to focus on being more patient and loving.  And to also be more open with Kevin about how I feel and what I am dealing with.  It is honestly hard to share what I am going through day to day because after the living the day once (and It is frequently a very long day), I do not want to talk about it and live through it again. 

My Life= Containers

Mental: So…. Lean Six Sigma.  I am finding my motivation leaving me as I sit through more and more two hour classes that start at 8 pm and I have to finish my work after them.  It doesn’t seem that there are enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished and the week before I left, I stayed at work until after 1 in the morning at least 3 days and didn’t get out before 11 pm for the other 4.  So, the idea of tackling something else is mentally draining right now.  But, after actually getting out and talking to the guys on the ground about movements of containers on ground across Afghanistan I realized that my project is a necessary one because there are issues everywhere. So, I guess my motivation has picked up a bit to get back out there and figure out what’s actually happening and how we can save Soldiers time and maybe the Army some money. 

Spiritual: So, despite traveling around the country, I have not missed a night of prayer nor reading my bible.  I am really enjoying the chronological bible, but I am not sure I will ever fully appreciate the genealogy in the bible.  It always just looks like lists of name I can’t pronounce in an order I find hard to understand (multi-echeloned and linear).  But, at least that is broken up by the stories of these people.  I find my prayers becoming more frustrated as I continue to pray for one of the guys in my unit who seems to have no more inclination towards Christianity than when he first got here.  He seems very bitter against God, but is also the type not to share anything personal.   I know that this is a matter of faith and patience on my part, to continue praying and leaving it in God’s hands.  But I think I better understand how God must feel to be constantly revealing His majesty and His love with people and still leaving the choice to them.  To know what’s best for someone and let them make their own decisions is probably also going to be my hardest parenting decision.  To love someone so much and only want the best for them but respecting their right to choose for themselves what they think is best when you know better and then not holding their choice bitterly against them is one of life’s hardest lessons and can only come through unconditional love.

Army: Afghanistan Number 7

Hey everybody.  So here is post 7 from the sand box as I am in my 8th week here.  This is also my 40th blog post, not that it is a big deal, but I just noticed that this week.  When I first started this blog, I never knew who would actually want to read it, and I honestly never knew if I would write something worth reading.  But the past two weeks, I have actually had more responses to my blog than ever before.  It has really surprised me to find out who is reading them and it makes me wonder what is so interesting about them to different people.  I hope that whatever I put in here is actually helpful to people and maybe even inspiring.  It makes me want to write more and more personally with more accountability.  Maybe my successes and failures can help others as well as myself.  I guess the only thing I can really say is thank you for reading, please continue to do so, and if you really enjoy it, please share it. 

But on a normal note: here are all of my updates in the manner of which I am sure you are now accustomed.

Financial:  For those of you who caught my blog last week,
you know that I am going to be investing in the stock market soon. This probably won't start until next week sometime and no I don't really know when. I have some ideas of how I want to invest my money, but I haven't chosen any companies yet. Honestly, a lot can happen in a week and I don't want to get too tied to any one company. This week, I will probably do most of my research this week and will be able to tell you all at least what I am planning to do by my next blog post.

Not containers I have encountered, but similiar.

Mental: Oh Lean Six Sigma, you may be the death of me. We have gotten into our project charters this week and let me just say... this is going to be a very big part of my life for the next several month. I am mostly trying to create efficiency in a process that no one is really paying attention to. It means dealing with just about every task force (battle space owner) throughout Afghanistan and the transportation units just to track containers. For those of you that don't know, I have been told that there are so many containers here in Afghanistan we could supposedly pick up our whole Army and move it... twice! That's a lot of containers. Some are empty, some are full, some have important stuff, some have trash, some are broken, some are new... and all of it matters and gets counted and moved. This is my new life.

Physical: So, good news, my run time is one track to max my APFT (army physical fitness test). However, my goal is to try and get it back down to a sub-15:00 min 2 mile. I have a good running partner who has the same goal, so hopefully it will happen. The problem.... my pushups weren't looking so hot. So now before my workouts, I am going to do some pushups ladders and pyramids (10 pushups, 1 min abs, 11 pushups, 1 min abs, etc. are ladders, pyramids come back down once they reach the peak). Sit ups were as easy as they have always been for me, but working on abs more will still help. Honestly, I think I have gotten thinner since I first arrived here, but it is hard to tell. I can definitely feel myself getting more toned, so that makes me happy.

Emotional: So, of course, I am as happy as ever being here and thus am emotionally well off. But as I talked to Kevin this morning, I realized I am already getting sad about leaving here (as dumb as that sounds). There is something about the relationships you form here and they will not transfer back home. Here, you learn to appreciate people for exactly who they are. Your friends may not be like you in the slightest and may have totally different interests, which in America would deter the friendship. The reality is that in the states, you find the people that are like you or share your values and you base the friendship off mutual interest. Being out here, you learn to like the people you are with and appreciate people for who they are.  Plus, you cross ranks in ways that are not acceptable in garrison.  Spending time with a bunch of captains here is acceptable, at home it is not. 

On another note, I am still working on being a better wife.  I have changed around when I call both my husband and my family to get extra time with Kevin every week.  We have been communicating both more and better this past week.  I still pray for him every night and try to send him text messages before I go to bed.  I want to do so much more than I can and it is extremely frustrating.  Being a good wife is never measurable, but at least at home it feels more tangible. 

Spiritual:  Yet another full week of prayers and bible reading here.  It has become a very natural part of my schedule and something I always make time for.  It has also led to some very interesting conversations with a LDS friend of mine that lasted about 5 hours regarding salvation and the afterlife.  I am glad for the opportunities for conversation have occurred, but truth be told, I am still wanting one different conversation.  I have mentioned in my blog before that I am learning to love individuals outside of my comfort zone.  This week marks four straight weeks of praying for one individual in my life.  I seem to be no closer to a spiritual conversation with him.  My goal is the same as in most of my relationships with non-believers, if they say something that is just wrong, gently correct but otherwise, wait to be asked.  I have made my position very clear to this individual but a spiritual conversation still hasn’t occurred. I don’t want to force my beliefs on anyone (well, actually I do, but it’s been my experience that doing so turns people off to the Gospel) but I do want him to know the joy I have.  I pray nightly that I can love this individual well with no misunderstandings of why and that it would point to the Savior that I know and love.

Army: Afghanistan number 6

Lewis doing his silly run (Kevin sent me this pic today. I miss them)

So hello everybody.  I have officially been in Afghanistan for 7 weeks and it has actually been flying.  We have about 31 weeks left to go though, so I still have a ton of time left.   Not much interesting has happened this week and all has been relatively quite for  my unit.  My biggest frustration is not being able to cook.  As people most yummy looking recipes to Facebook (you know who you people are), I have taken to emailing them to myself and labeling them in recipes I want to try.  I miss having my fully stocked kitchen to go home too. 

So here is my weekly update, broken down in my usual style, but I am adding a new category:

Financial: Yes! You read that right, but probably not the way you think.  Kevin and I are the most financially stable we have ever been.  We have only a loan for the house, an emergency fund (but we are constantly putting more towards that), some sort term savings (a savings account through the Army that accrues 10% on up to $10,000) and all of our long term investments covered (stock in his company, 401k, Wroth IRA).  So, as we continue trying to multiply what God has given us, I am trying my hand at trading stocks.  I won't be putting any real money in until mid-April, but we have set aside $2,000 to get me started.  I have already started tracking some since Mar 19th and am not doing too bad.  I don't really plan on day trading or anything like that, but I want to get it started.  I have a good mentor in my unit that has been doing this for awhile and made a lot of money over the passed few years.  He also challenges me to learn about different types of investing (yes, I know what short selling is and how it is one way to make money in a bearish market!) and I am learning a lot.  I am not sure how I will continue to provide updates on this new goal of mine (which is why I haven't written about it before) but I find find a way. 

The only piece of advice/ caveat I can say is this, only put in what you are completely willing to use.  Kevin and I have decided on $2,000 because we won't miss it (in generic terms).  We are already counting it as a loss and plan to never see it again.  I sincerely hope that won't be the case, but if we treat it like it is, even if all of our stock prices drop, we will have the time to hold out and wait for the market to improve.   

Emotional:  To be honest, I don't know that I am doing any better on the wifely front.  This week, I have definitely spent more time talking to Kevin and intentionally setting more time aside for him.  I have been praying for him more specifically and intentionally.  And I have been spending more time each day just reveling in the wonderful husband that I have, but I hardly feel like it is enough.  I know that it is really hard for Kevin when I am gone. And even though this has already turned into a period of growth for both of us, it is very hard to feel like a good wife when I am so far away and very wrapped up in my mission here.  Sometimes, I really wonder if it is possible to be a good wife when I am so far away and I wonder how women in business that involves frequent travel do it.  (Please keep in mind, my definition of a good wife is not just based on fidelity or something based on culture.  My definition can be found in Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5, etc. etc.)

Mental: So, lean six sigma projects are well kicked off and I am already working on my problem statement.  My project is focused on the way things are moved around Afghanistan.  Basically, a long story short is, everything moves in containers and we don't have a very good grasp of what moves, when and to where.  And since the Lean Six Sigma process is all about reducing waste and increasing efficiency, my job to took get a better picture of how things are moving, and then streamline those processes.  It's kind of sad, but my life currently revolves around metal 20 foot containers.  Heck, I even live in one!

Physical:  Alright, so my goal here is a pretty simple one, I have decided that first and foremost, I want to get back to a 300 on my P.T. test.  That means 45 pushups, 78 situps (I think, I always go over in this category), and run 2 miles in under 15:36.  I am pretty close on my pushups, way over on situps (I normally do over 95) and I think I am close on my run.  I think I am going to start doing P.T. tests every couple of weeks to track my progress.  Once I get back to a perfect score (300), then I will focus on strengthening my core and going back to Crossfit.  And, like I have said every week, I really need to get back to my yoga.  I think I am going to try to do yoga every other night or so and do some core and upper body strengthening routines.

Spiritual: First, a praise.  I prayed every night of March without missing!  I am very proud of myself for that.  It is an accomplishment for me, and even more so in that I journaled all of them.  I look forward to reading in the future and seeing all the answered prayers.   Kevin and I have also started a new reading program together.  We are reading through the bible chronologically and I am actually really enjoying it (not something I usually feel in the old testament).  We are about 8 days in, but I think this is something I will have no problem continuing.  It is set up so that we will read through the whole bible in a year, but I am guessing at some point, we will double up so that we will be done before I come home.