Afghanistan Number 21

Alright everyone, I know I have been slacking and haven't posted in about a month, but now that things have calmed down a lot, I am ready to get back to it.  This last month has been pretty crazy.  I have been traveling, working out in one of our yards doing some manual labor, spending time with great people and have awesome conversation with my husband.  The last month of so has been drastically life altering, but also very fast paced.  I have no idea how many weeks I have been here now, but I can tell you I have about six weeks left! So here we go!

Physical: Ok, so this one is disappointing. I missed the Army ten-miler here in Bagram.  It was actually this morning, but I didn't know until 1500  yesterday afternoon (not enough time to recover and hydrate properly).  Plus, I ended up getting a killer headache last night.  So that little nugget has fallen through.  I have been working longer hours again, which was sacrificing my PT time by a lot.  So I made a new routine.  Now, instead of trying to go in the morning or evening, I go in the middle of the afternoon when I have down time.  I think I am going to try to keep this up when I get back to Fort Carson by going to the gym during lunch.  Before I left, I would travel back and forth from home multiple times a day.  To help save on our budget (updated financial goals), we are looking for ways to cut out the little things and this is definitely one of them.  Plus, it has the added benefit of me getting a good workout in during lunch. I have a PT test in a few weeks as well, and my goal is to get another 300 before going back home and eating really yummy food again.  But we will see how it all falls.

Our new 2014 Ford Escape!

Financial: My stocks are doing really well.  I am currently holding two of them that have provided some good gains for me.  Both are kind of plateaued, but they plateaued high enough that I am just keep them.  Right now, I have basically made 50% return on my initial investment.  I could definitely see myself doing this some more, but I haven't had a ton of time to devote to it.  I need to start looking at some potential new buys before the next set or quarterly earnings comes out.  Aside from that, Kevin and I have made some new financial goals.  We just bought our first car together (a 2014 Ford Escape Titanium, which we love!) and have decided we will probably not be moving again next year.  There are several factors going into that decision (like the new car!), but also the fact that I haven't really got to live in my house (or any place) for very long and I would like to take the time to start a garden, redo gutters, redo cabinets, plant some bushes and so on and so forth.  And I don't want to be rushing to do that before next spring.  So Kevin and I have decided to just say in the house we are in and try to get that paid off as quickly as possible.  We are also looking at ways to reduce our budgets.  Aside from trying to drive less, we are also looking at ways we can keep costs down and try to basically live on one income, with the other completely providing discretion to pay extra off the house and do projects and vacations and things.  Basically, we want one income to frame our spending and the other income to frame our saving in such a way that we can give money away, invest and just have fun. 

Our new garden window!

Mental: I finished my Lean Six Sigma project!!! Can you believe it?!  I ultimately reduced my standard deviation (Six sigma) and shifted my mean (lean).  It is now being submitted, and once that is done, I will have a DA 4187 with my skill identifier saying I am a certified black belt for the Army.  Now I just need to pull my project off my computer so that I will have it and all of my reference materials and I am done!!!!  Aside from that, I have been playing more with Microsoft excel and even with macros.  I think I might keep studying excel a bit because I am learning some really interesting things.  I am also going to try to spend the winter reading up on building my first green house and learning some fun gardening tips and tricks.  I think the fact that I haven't seen much green here has given me a very strong desire to decorate my house with lively plants.  I also have a desire to do some manual labor (building cabinets and trying to do gutters and small projects ourselves) after spending the last 7+ months sitting behind a computer.  I really enjoying working with my hands and haven't gotten to do enough of it here.  Plus, I enjoy working on our home.  Kevin has had a new garden window installed and we are having work done on our patio in the next couple of weeks.  I can't wait to get home and join him.  And I look forward to starting new projects and learning new crafts!

Emotional: So this one has been going pretty well.  I think Kevin and I have been connecting so much better as we have started discussing our plans for the next year or so.  Truth be told, earlier in the month, we were in a rather depressing rut and neither of us could really tell why.  I think Kevin just didn't like the sound of two more months and truthfully, I was starting to feel overwhelmed by the idea of making decisions again.  There are limitless possibilities for the future and what is coming next that I felt kind of overwhelmed by the idea of preparing to face it.  But as Kevin and I started moving forward (Kevin got our new garden window installed on the house and is having the patio done next month), things started getting easier.  That's why we decided to by the car (which we are so excited about) and start making plans for what the next year holds.  And things are really starting to come together.  Kevin is loving his job and I am loving mine.  And though there are definitely no concrete plans right now, there is a pretty good likelihood that I might stay in the Army for longer than my contract.  We have a lot to figure out on that path, but we have decided to wait until I get home and see how I am feeling six months from now before making too many decisions.  For right now, we are both giving up control of a lot that we like to hold on to just to imagine the world of possibilities.  We have decided that both of us are going to stop worrying about what we "should" or "shouldn't" do and start focusing on loving God, loving each other and loving others and living a life that is going to bring him the most glory.

Spiritual: Well, obviously this one is tied to my current emotional state as well.  Basically, the idea of giving up control of what I want versus what I think I should want has been very relieving.  Telling Kevin that I might want to stay in the Army was very difficult, but mostly because of the church, not because of Jesus.  I feel like within Christianity, we tend to limit the roles for women into what we see as best for her family or manageable.  Telling women I am in the Army is usually stomached in the same manner as me saying I'm sick or I have cancer.  They want to tell me that's horrible (and some do) and that they can't wait for me to get out.  Even my most well intended friends ask me about deploying and having kids to just get out of it.  It is inconceivable to them that I love this.  It's even crazier to them that I am really good at it.  But I let myself fall in that box too.  I told myself I couldn't stay in and be a good wife and mother.  Every day, I think that is less and less true.  Would there be hard parts? Yes. Is moving around all the time easy? No.  But would my kids and husband get to experience things that others might never get to? Yes.  Can we use it as the opportunity to bring our family closer together? Yes.  But most importantly, does it bring more glory to God to live the life he first put on my heart as a twelve year old girl and has reaffirmed many times since? Does it bring more glory to God for me to live my life in such a way that it ties together the unique characteristics God decided to ordain me with?  And does it bring God more glory when I live out the things that interest me and help them to grow and develop my family?  It might seem simple to just say yes and move on, but I am spending time with these questions.  I am leaning more towards them than I am away.  I am breaking down my own religious rules and trying to find the truth in the center of the Gospel.  I am done telling Christ how Christians are supposed to live.  When I look at biblical women, I see women who work and serve.  Ruth was a laborer, Esther was into politics and the proverbs 31 woman ran a very successful business (and all in the Old Testament too!).  Maybe my primary job can be wife and mother even if I don't spend all my time doing those things from home.  I don't know.  We have a lot of exploring to do, but I figured I would share with you where we have explored to thus far.

Afghanistan: Number 20

Ok everyone, I know I have missed a couple of posts.  To put it shortly, the theme of my last couple of weeks is exhaustion.  I have never felt before like I do now and I cannot think of anything comparable to it.  All I can say is that when I get back home, I might just sleep for a whole week.  On, that note, I plan to keep this short and direct.  So here is post 20, week 25 (ish... I am not really sure anymore).

Financial:  So I currently own two stocks and both are doing well.  The one is sitting at about 10% gain and is climbing slightly.  The other, is near, if not over, 25% gained.  The latter actually climbed even higher than that recently and then fell slighting, but is climbing back up.  I am interested to see how high it is going to go. And don't intend to sell right away.

Mental:  So, not really much progress on my lean six sigma project, but I have been helping someone else out with theirs.  I am not really sure how I got dragged onto their team, but they got a short suspense and needed the help.  As difficult as it has been, I am glad to help out a friend and I know it helped relieve some of their burden, so I don't mind so much.  Though there have been moments when I wanted to gouge my eyes out after staring at powerpoint slide for days on end, I'd like to think I did some good.  And unfortunately, it isn't done yet.  But it is close. But for now, I am slowly starting to shift back to my own project.  I am hoping to knock out my measure and analyze phases in the next couple of days and our final exam is coming up in about a week.  It will be good when I can focus on my project and not have to worry about class anymore.

Emotional:  It has been crazy busy over here and I feel like I have been running 100 mph.  I am completely exhausted and feeling quite spent.  To put it lightly, I am feeling burnt out.  I have been traveling and working non-stop for probably close to two weeks on a mammoth project that was briefed to a two star general on Saturday.  Unfortunately, it isn't done yet either and so there is still more to do.  But with the brief, the work and the traveling, I just feel completely out of energy.  And when that gets tied in with the crazy drama my unit is currently experiencing (but that I cannot go into), it just leaves me feeling like I have been hit by a freight train.  I don't think I have ever been so tired before.  And the thing that helps me get through that is the people in my unit.  My friends and coworkers here have been such a relief to me.  Being able to sit and chat and joke and laugh in the midst of sheer exhaustion as been very comforting.  I cannot say that it makes the work load feel worth it, but it is definitely what gets me through.

Physical: This has fallen to the wayside during my traveling and working the last couple of weeks.  I am hoping to return to a more normal schedule now that I am back in Bagram, but we shall see.  I need to find a more consistent schedule and get my butt outside and run more.  On the up side, the weather is calming down and it is more pleasant to run.  On the down side, I am tired and don't feel like going.  I still am hoping to do the Army ten miler in October, but I need the pace in my life to slow down a bit first.

Spiritual: While I have maintained the ability to read my bible twice a day, this past couple of weeks has been destructive to my quiet times.  The long hours just nugging away in front of a computer took their toll and I am hoping that now that I am back in Bagram, I might be able to get some solid sleep and reset myself.  Unfortunately, I am feeling spiritually very weak, just like I do in every other area of my life right now.  I feel like I lack the emotional capacity to handle my exhaustion and that it is seeping into every area of my life.  I pray daily for strength and drive but I can hardly find it.  The worst part of my day is waking up and dragging myself out of bed. I'd love to end this with something witty or inspiring, but I have got nothing.  I am still here and feel like a balloon with a slow leak that is just about out.  We are going home in two months but I cannot give thought to anything past today without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  Hopefully, the next couple of weeks will slow down and I will find my strength renewed.  I have heard that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I am now contemplating if it is possible to walk away without being hardened and changed. 

Afghanistan: Number 19

My MSG calls this the "gated community"

Ok everyone, so I know I have been a couple of days behind recently.  But this has been my trend this whole deployment.  I think my first posts were on Mondays and I seem to have worked my way to Saturdays, which may be my new normal.  Who knows?  But regardless, here is my new post in my same old boring way.  Post 19, week 22.

Mental: Lean Six Sigma and I have actually had a pretty good week.  I sent my data in to get my initial run through the software and am waiting for the results from that.  I ran through my define template and got that posted, which included by SIPOC (supplier input process output customer) map and got some ideas done for what my customer and what the business wants.  I have been working on my process map and am probably near a 75% solution on that.  Once I finish that up and get my initial data measurements back, I will wrap up my measure phase and turn that in.  I am expecting to have that done within the week and then move on to analyse my data.  After that, it is just making some improvements, doing another measurement and then finalizing my controls.  Some I am happy with the progress I have made and feel like I am actually gaining ground and momentum. 

Physical:  My workouts have been steady and I am definitely progressing.  This morning, I ran 6 miles in 51:30  which averages just over an 8:30 pace, which is perfect because my goal is to do ten miles (for the army ten miler in October) at at least an 8:30 pace.  I need to add a little bit more to my workouts though.  I need to add biking so that I can focus on my heart rate, at least until I get a heart rate monitoring watch.  I need to focus on spending longer period at 85% of my maximum heart rate and slowing down to not less than 65% which means trying to stay around 170 and not dipping below 130.  (To calculate target heart rate, take 220- your age and multiply by 50% to 85%.  This is the range most often recommended by sports medicine people.  They say if you are just starting out, aim 50-65%, fairly active people should aim for 65-75% and very active people should aim for 75%-85%.  I am aiming towards 85% to help increase my cardiovascular endurance.  I want my lower limit to be 65% because I want to make sure I am maximizing my workouts.  And I round up to the nearest ten, because whole numbers are much easier to remember).  So, my goal is to at least once a week do: a run over five miles (gradually increasing towards ten), a 2.5 mile run (.5 mile warm up), sprints day (focusing on distance, time, or heart rate), bike day (focusing on heart rate over time), abs day and upper body day.  We shall see how this goes.  It should become easier as this is my last day fasting from meat and will be enjoying some fish and lean protein being added back into my diet.

Financial: Well, the stock I own hit 10% gain this week, but it is still trending up.  I am expected it to gain at least 20% for me and will probably keep it a fair while longer than that.  It is a tech company with a good product and few competitors, so I (and the analysts) are still predicting it to trend up.  It's looking pretty good and I am satisfied.  I didn't buy the stock I mentioned last week because I realized I didn't want to buy another stock to hold.  Instead, I am very carefully watching another stock.  I was hoping it would drop recently, but it keeps going up.  Their earnings report comes out on 12 AUG and their EPS is around 2.7.  It looks like a good company and I may just have to suck the egg and buy at a higher price than I had originally intended.  It looks like it is also going to go up though, so I will still turn a sizable profit on it.  But we will see what this week holds. 

Emotional:  I don't have much of an update on this one.  I still am feeling very tired, and my wonderful doctor gave me a few tips as to why that might be.  All in all, it is a mixture of the environment and my change in diet.  It is probably a good reflection of not getting enough protein and eating more carbs.  The goal is to switch from that to more lean meat and vegetables, less refined grains and sugars.  This will probably be as close to a "paleo" diet as I will ever get, because I love my processed foods.  But I also understand that I need to correct the imbalance I have likely made so that I can start feeling better,  Thankfully, the protein thing will change tomorrow.   So if that's the issue, then hopefully I will be less tired.  I am ready to wake up easier and not be exhausted by all the normal things that I do.
But I am finding myself ready to go home and be with my husband more and more.  Normally, I don't think about it much because then it makes everything else harder, but I have found that it creeps into my mind more and more recently.  We are trying to plan a vacation, but I have been very burnt out on planning.  I am mostly just ready to get home and don't care much about what happens when I get there, except that I cannot wait to cook my own food! 

Spiritual: I have been doing well at reading my bible and praying both morning and night.  I feel like I have really been growing during my time of fasting (officially 40 days without meat!) but am ready  to return to my normal.  I think that fasting will become a more regular occurrence in my spiritual life and am very grateful both for what it has taught me about myself and also for what it has taught me about God.  I am in a better place in so many ways and am so thankful for my experiences the last 40 days.  It has made me stronger and more dependent at the same time.  Except now, instead of dependency on others to make me happy or scratch my intellectual itch or work out with or entertain me, I rely on God.  Where before I found comfort in others, now I find comfort in the Lord.  I have always had peace, but I am starting to finally understand "peace that surpasses ALL understanding."  I have experienced far less anxiety and worry than I have in years past.  It might seem like apathy to some, but really, it is about knowing that I am not in control, I never was and that's ok.  Worrying will not add a second to my life but it will certainly take away many if I let it. 

I am planning a mini-blog series that covers some quick bible study topics that you can go over with those that are new to Christianity, or might even serve as evangelical tools.  I will be writing them in conjunction with my studying for my time with my new disciple.  My plan is to have some five-ten minute study tools that focus on some surface level topics. That way they can spark conversations that take us where she needs to go, not just where I am trying to lead. 

Afghanistan: Number 18

Alright everyone, time for my 18th post in my 21st week.  Sorry I am a couple of days late, but it has been busy around here.  We have a lot going on in our unit and a lot of stuff coming up.  To put it lightly, we have less than 100 days left and with all the stuff on our plates, I am betting it will go pretty fast.

Physical- I ran over 11 miles this week, so I am pretty proud of myself for that.  I have a new running partner that is willing to run distances with me on Saturdays.  He is definitely faster than me, but I don't slow him down too much.  I think next Saturday we are planning on running an 8 mile loop, but we shall see.  We don't have to wear all our gear anymore, so I have more freedom in my workout times, which is good.  I prefer going to the gym in the evenings, because I am not a morning person.  Unfortunately, my long runs will be Saturday mornings, which means getting up well before the sun, but oh well, at least I will have someone to run with.  My goal is to be able to run 10 miles in 8:30.  I think I could do it at a 9 min mile pace right now, so I want to get that down.  It already has come down and 9 min mile was my original goal pace.  I beat that goal by about 15 secs per mile for 6 miles earlier this week, so I am pretty confident I can do 10 at 9:00.  Still working at it.  Still getting better.

Financial- Right now, I still own only one stock and I have got another in mind for when the market opens on Monday.  The one I have is sitting at just under a 10% gain at the moment and has been on an upward trend for about a year.  The one I am looking at another stock right now that has low trading value, but has been on a solid upwards trend for the last 5 years.  Where I am at right now, I need to start looking into stocks that I want to keep as a short to midterm investment.  I am not totally committed to that idea yet, but I haven't been playing the market as much recently. And now that I am out of my free trading period, I am thinking less and less about quick trades and more about ones I can hold onto and grow over time.  We will see how the market looks on Monday, and maybe I will try my hand at some longer term investments. 

Mental- I have actually made some headway on my lean six sigma project this week.  I have some of my products remade and some I still need to do.  The biggest pieces I need to get done in the next day or so are my SIPOC map and my voice of the customer/ voice of the business slide.  I want to get these done before my instructor comes back, so I have a short window to complete them.  I have also completed my 18 page exegesis, which was a fun endeavor.  I know people think I am nuts, but it really isn't until recently that our society things that writing papers and letters aren't fun and that you need a specific reason to write a lengthy paper.  But, I think it was fun and it stretched my mind and grew me as a person.  I will probably always write papers and store them away.  And that is part of the reason I blog as well.  I enjoy writing and getting my thoughts out onto paper.  Writing is even more fun than reading to me, but I know that reading helps perfect writing.  I don't have a ton of time right now, so when I get the chance, I read my book "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day." For my daily reading, I stick with reading my bible twice a day.  It seems like a better use of my time right now, even though I would love to add fiction to my reading list.  But with my time so limited, I have to make sure what I am reading is actually beneficial to me and helping me grow as a person.

Emotional- I am drained in this category.  I have been having excellent communication with Kevin and am probably feeling the most successful as a wife as I have this whole deployment.  I have found that waking up, reading my bible and praying in the mornings has enriched my marriage and our  communication.  I find myself looking forward to going home more and more and I think that a huge part of that is being under the 100 day mark.  But on the other hand, we still have a lot left to do in the next 100 days and I am finding myself just exhausted at the thought. To say that I feel burnt out is an understatement.  Things that used to take very little energy now feel exhausting and drain me completely.  No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel tired.  Maybe it is because I still have not had a day off since we got here.  I am not sure.  But I know I have to Soldier on and I will.  To say that I am expecting that I will crash hard when I get home is an understatement.  I hope everyone understand that when I get back, it is going to take some time for me to level out to my new normal and not to take my lack of communication personally. I am expecting to spend a lot of time getting some sleep and decompressing.  I am already thinking of trying to unplug and rebuild my life with Kevin before I focus on fitting anything else into that.

Spiritual-  I am also exhausted spiritually.  I felt very drained after completing my exegesis regarding the doctrine of covenants (see this link for the full version, or my last three posts for the abridged version).  I feel like I have grown so much though.  What was, at times a chore, has become my perfect joy.  Even though I am tired and don't wake up well, I enjoy getting up and reading my bible and praying during the first hour of my day.  And I love ending my day with reading my bible and doing my prayer journal.  In the last 30 days or so, I have grown a ton as an individual and in my dedication to the Lord.  I am not a different person, but I am in so many ways.  I have grown so much in my knowledge of who God is and my excitement to get to know him more is a lot.  Before I get back to the U.S., I will have read the whole bible.  When I get back, I plan on starting over but with a focus.  I plan on doing a study on love.  I plan on going through my bible and highlighting every time I see the word love; one color for when it is between God and man, another for love between people.  I find that the word comes up a lot, but it may be just be because I am reading through the book of Psalms.  Regardless, I am very intrigued.  I still continuing to fast, but I feel that I have already received the answers to my prayers.  I have received some yes, some no and some later.  And I am more than satisfied in that.  However, I am continuing to fast until I reach the forty day mark.  I am doing so in case God still has something He wants to reveal to me, but also because that's the day that feels right.  I can't really explain it, but that's my end date.  So I will be enjoying some wonderfully cooked Afghani chicken next Sunday, the August 4th.  I am very glad for this time of growth, but I am nearing a point of exhaustion that has me ready for this time to be over.  I think everyone can relate in their own way.  Growth is painful at the time, but you can enjoy it when you are also seeing the fruits of the labor.  But as time goes on, the labor starts to feel more burdensome and you are ready for the end to be near.  It is the same I feel towards the deployment.  I am reaching a point where I just need more of God's strength, because I am quickly running out of my own.

Afghanistan: Number 17

Ok, so I am a day late, but at least I am not a dollar short.  Here is my 17th blog post from Afghanistan for my 20th week.  Life has been pretty good and also pretty bland here in Afghanistan.  So I will just jump right in in my usual style.

Mental:  I have really been doing a ton for Lean Six Sigma and I had better get my butt on it in the next week or I am going to find myself in some trouble.  I am already behind from starting over and I can't honestly say I have made much effort to do any better.  But I have been challenging my brain in other ways through book reading and studying.  But I will touch on that under the spiritual paragraph, so I won't touch on it now.

Financial: I finally bought another stock.  It has a high EPS of about 8.26 and their next earnings report comes out Thursday.    I bought it the other day and currently haven't made anything on it, but long term, it seems like this stock is just continuing to climb.  I actually owned it a couple of months ago and it has gained a lot since then.  I kind of wish I had held onto it, but cest la vie.  I am going to watch it carefully for the next few days to see what it does.  I am expecting this to be a short to mid-term stock.  I have been looking at several others too, but I want to be at a safer point with this one first.  Within the first few days of buying a stock, even if you sell it, the money isn't available right away.  So in another day or so, I will probably make my next purchase.

Physical: It has been a good workout week for me.  I only missed one workout day, which was more because I had miscalculated the time accidentally and woke up too late.  And as I have been working out more, I have found that my appetite has been decreasing (which generally happens to me when I am getting into a consistent schedule).  Unfortunately, because I haven't been as hungry, I also haven't been getting my green drinks in.  So I need to make sure I am keeping up good habits there.  I also need to learn to balance my running speed.  Since I have started incorporating sprints and going faster for shorter periods of time, I am starting out too fast on some of my longer runs and am burning out too quickly.  Which is an issue because I am still planning on running the army ten-miler in October.  I want to run that at an 8:30-9:00 mile but I keep taking off at a 7:30 pace and burning out.  I need to get used to both distances and train my body to do it.  And what I really need is to be able to run at night.  I always end up sucking wind in the mornings because it just keeps getting hotter the longer I go.  Or I need to get up earlier... which I am not good at. 

Emotional: This week has been a good one.  I am connecting really well with my husband and we seem to be at the best place we have been this whole deployment.  To be honest though, I think we have just in the process of constant improvement in our relationship since I got here.  I still question as to whether or not I am a good wife and if I really can be when I am so far away, but as I see my marriage prosper, I guess I have to answer that yes.  I think the reality is, God's got this and I don't need to worry about it.  I just need to respect and love my husband and the rest will fall into place.  But that isn't always easy, especially as I am within a week of my anniversary and have to square with the fact that I have never been with my husband on our anniversary.

I also feel at a good place emotionally in my workplace.  I feel like I am connecting with others better and am not as impatient as I first was.  Since we moved to Bagram, it feels like we are all cramped, all the time.  And that really used to bother me at first.  But now we are reaching a point of greater cohesion and I am enjoying the relationships I am building.

My morning journaling

Spiritual:  Well, the biggest update here is that I pretty much finished my first exegesis (a paper on a specific topic or text, usually in reference to a religious document) regarding the doctrine of covenants.  I am not going to go into it here much, but I completed my first draft, had Kevin review it and made some updates.  It is currently 17 pages in length.  I think I am going to find some ways to break it up into smaller chunks and get rid of some of the details to post here on my blog.  Don't worry though, I will make the full length text available to you too.  This has been quite the under taking and has taken me a little over a week to complete.  It involved a lot of reading and research and has been mentally taxing and spiritually draining.  But I also think this is part of the reason why God has called me into a time of fasting and prayer.

I have also been doing really well at keeping up with my reading and praying.  I find that an hour in the mornings is almost too little to read and pray, but that really seems dependent on what I am reading, how much and how much is sticking with me.  I have been enjoying taking notes of everything in the mornings because it helps me to see the fruits of my efforts over time.  I am also still praying for the guy in my unit that I have been praying for pretty much since we got here.  I think I am nearing 150 days straight of praying for him, and plan to continue doing so.  I have also continued to fast and pray for my friends who I love dearly but am not on the terms I would like to see us on.  But such is life and I am good with giving both of these cases over to God and let Him answer them to me in His own way and in His own time.  For now, I will just keep praying.

Afghanistan: Number 16 (50th Blog Post)!

Me and my boss eating in the DFAC

Alright everyone, it's that time of the week again.  Time for another update from Afghanistan.  I am in my twenty-first week here and am also excited that this is my fiftieth blog post!   I can't tell if that's a lot or a little for less than a year of blogging.  I hope I have enough to say to get me to 100 posts, though I have recently realized that I am a very talkative introvert, so I am sure I will have no problems there.

Mental: So, I haven't been doing much on my lean six sigma project.  With our instructor on R&R, I don't think it has really been on anyone's mind much.  I still have to pretty much start from scratch on my project and I have done a little bit of data capturing, but aside from that, not much progress at all.  I have finished a couple of books (Secret Confessions of an Unlikely Convert and The Circle Maker- both of which I loved!) and am onto a new book.  I am now reading a new book called "In a Pit with a Lion On a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson, who is the same author as The Circle Maker.  It has been very invigorating to read more every day and I enjoy the intellectual stimulation I find generally lacking.

Financial: So still no investing recently.  Hopefully this week I will find a stock I want to buy.  There are more earnings reports coming out at the end of the month so I am thinking I should find something in the next couple of weeks.  Here's hoping!

Physical:  Well, this week has been full of set backs when it comes to work outs.  In Bagram, they have had us wearing our full kit during Ramadan.  That means wearing our individual body armor with plates and our kevlar helmets.  It's heavy and cumbersome.  And the first couple of days we had to wear it whenever we went outside.  This really meant no running and we had to wear our stuff to the gym.  So... my motivation plummeted a bit.  But now we only have to wear it during hours of darkness, so I will be resuming my workouts tomorrow.  On the plus side, I have finally found a concoction that tastes good but looks disgusting.  Its a mixture of orange juice, pineapple juice, water, a scoop of berry green drink, a scoop of lemon lime green drink and a scoop of orange dreamsicle protein powder.  It has about 32 grams of protein and only 4 grams of fat.  I am not really doing it as a meal replacement, just a meal supplement.  Even when I am eating meat, I tend to not get enough protein.  So that is why I started doing this.  Plus, I never get enough fruits and vegetables.  Regardless, this actually tastes good and is filling, so I am going to stick with it.  My intention is to keep up with it even when I get back home to Fort Carson.

Emotional: Another week, another roller coaster.  I know I have written about it much in the last few weeks and months, but I still struggle with the idea of being a good wife while I am in Afghanistan.  As I am less than two weeks out from my wedding anniversary, I cannot help but reminisce on things back home.   This will be my third anniversary and the third one that I have missed because of the Army.  Kevin and I are still close, but there is so much we cannot talk about because a. time does not allow, b. both of our jobs rely heavily on dealing in classified environments or c. because it's just not understandable when you don't know the people involved.  I miss having him to debate theology with, vent to, discuss complex ideas, tackle our future plans and just plain old have married people conversations.  One of my favorite things about Kevin is that he is very intellectually stimulating and I enjoy pretty much every single conversation we have.  As I woke up this morning and went to open my bible, I remembered that back home, when Kevin and I got up, we would go down stairs to our couch, snuggle up together under the blankets and both read our own bibles and then pray together over the day.  At night, he would read a chapter from the old testament to me while we were in bed and then we would pray together and go to sleep.  Even though I am living the basically the same schedule, it is really not the same without Kevin near.  He was probably a lot of my motivation before, because I enjoyed doing these activities with him and I enjoyed his company.  Now I do them alone and it makes me a little sad.  I was explaining to my boss the other day that though I swear a lot out here, I don't with Kevin.  People find it odd, and those that are out here with me seem to think it is unbelievable.  Especially when I tell them I don't have to try not to.  It may seem crazy, but whenever I talk to God (through prayer) or to my husband, I don't have to try not to swear, those words just never come to my mind.  And the reason is that because they both give me such peace that is pacifies my thoughts and makes them less vulgar. Now, I am working on not swearing, but it makes me realize how little I open my marriage up to those I work with.  I do not want them to see the vulnerability I have in my husband's presence.  That somehow, them knowing that I desire to be a submissive and peaceful wife will make them see me as something less.  Being with Kevin extinguishes the needless fires the Army creates.  The Army wants a killer, but being with Kevin makes me more into a pacifist.  And it is nothing he does; he is just soothing to my soul.  It is one of the biggest reasons I married him.  He calms me down, evens me out and makes me a more self-controlled and rational individual.  I have never met another man who has had such a great effect on my life, aside from the one I met hanging on a cross as a ten year old kid in a church basement during vacation bible school.  It is somewhat funny to me when anyone suggests that I would want to be with anyone else.

Another piece to my emotional state has been that I have found out that my request to leave my current unit is being granted.  There are a couple of possibilities for my new unit but it will still be on Fort Carson.  My brigade commander has approved it as well as my battalion commander, so I know it is so.  Without going in to too much detail, the gist of the story is such.  I am not dissatisfied with my current unit, nor my branch.  However, I have only seen one side of my logistical branch and to make any sort of informed decision about whether or not to stay in or get out, I need to see more.  It is not with any certainty at all that I will stay in, and it is still leaning the other way.  But so long as I am considering it, I need to have as many facts as possible. I really enjoy being in the Army.  Everyone I have met, both officers and enlisted, have told me multiple times that if I stay in, I will go far and will be very successful.  So, it is being considered.  Kevin and I still have much to talk about and I still have two years before any decisions need to be made.

Spiritual:  This functional area of my life has caused me much grief and joy over the past week or so.  In terms of just theology, I found in my reading some verses in 1 Samuel 18, 19, 20 and 22 discussing a covenant friendship.  This, to me, was a new type of covenant.  I had never heard of a covenant between friends before and the idea pretty much consumed me.  I spent a lot of time studying it and considering what it might be and what it might look like.  I have many conclusions on the matter and plan on blogging about it topically very soon.

I am have been fasting for over two weeks now and in the last week have changed the way I arrange my spiritual life.  I am now devoting the first hour of my day to the Lord.  I wake up an hour earlier than I need to and spend the first part reading a few chapters from my bible and recording verses that stick out to me. I then make a list of everything and everyone I want to pray for and spend whatever is left of the hour (usually 30-40 minutes) praying over the verses that stuck out, any theological content from my reading that didn't make sense, and my long list of prayer requests.  Along with my fasting, I pray multiple times during the day.  I am still in a place of hoping for healing and reconciliation between myself and two people very dear to my heart.  I am not going to quit fasting nor praying until God grants me an answer on the matter, but I Have given it over to Him.  The reality is, this battle is His, not mine and thus the glory belongs to Him and not to me.  I am not moving from my position because I am waiting on the Lord.  He will move when He is ready.  And I am trying to embrace in my heart a spirit of patience and a movement of my prayer from "as soon as possible" to "as long as it takes."  I have already accepted the Lord's will for my life, whatever that may be.  I am completely at peace with getting an answer of "no." But what I find myself struggling with is the Lord's timing.  I am not a patient person by nature nor trade.  I don't care what the answer is, I just want it now.  Which isn't how God works and He doesn't seem to keen towards my petty demands of timing that is most convenient for me.  I am sure He will continue to break that down in me over time, but for now, I just keep trying to remind myself "as long as it takes."  I am also ending my evenings by reading and then praying.  At night's when I pray, I actually fully writing them out, which I started doing when I first got here.  The funny thing to me though is that my prayers definitely get longer and more full of life when I look at them over time.  My prayer's when I first got here were generic and lifeless. This reflected my prayer life on the whole.  I didn't pray often nor intently.  Now I pray frequently and fervently. It is a habit I hope makes it back to the states with me because I know it has grown me a lot.  God is changing my heart and making me a more loving person.  He has a lot of work ahead of Him, to say the least. As do I.

Afghanistan: Number 15

Alright, so I am officially in my twentieth week in Afghanistan, which means we are definitely more than halfway done.  I feel like that fact should be more exciting to me than it is.  But I find it hard to think of home when I know we still have a lot of time left.  But at least it is on the down slope.  Hopefully it will feel like it is going fast, though I am choosing not to wish time away.  This weekend, my family is actually traveling out to Jackson, WY to see a musical my sister is assisting in directing and my Dad is in.  I know they are all very excited as they are approaching opening night, and I am praying it goes well for them.  I definitely wish I could be home to see this!

Financial: So I will start with the most boring of my updates.  I still am not investing in any new stocks.  I am finding the market to be a little fickle this week and am not interested in any particular stocks.  Again, I hope by the end of the month, something worthwhile catches my eye.  But we shall see.

Mental: So, my Lean Six Sigma projected wasn't really taking off because there was nothing in my process to control.  Or at least, nothing in my process for me to control.  And that is very important for Lean Six Sigma because that is they way we determine if our improvements have been effective and if we actually made our process more efficient.  So, I am back to square one.  I am completely starting over with a new project in mind.  Instead of caring about container movements, I will be looking at how we have created standardization in our Forward Retrograde Elements and how we have minimized shipments around Afghanistan.  This was one of my planning efforts in May, so I have already put a lot of the work in, I just didn't do it through Lean Six Sigma and I need to now.  That means re-gathering old data and look at trends before, during and after improvements.

I am also pursuing other career options outside of my unit.  I have spoken with my commander regarding the matter and I have his support.  Now he will take my request to our brigade commander and we will see what his answer is.  I am curious to see how this will go and how things will land. I have many reasons for seeking a new job, but I do not think it is time to share them yet.  I am sure it will come up within the next few blog posts, but for now, it will continue in discussions with my husband and with my leadership.  But in an attempt to not leaving anyone hanging, nothing bad has happened and I am in no way a disgruntled Soldier asking to leave my unit.

Physical: So, I am still drinking about 1-2 green drinks a day.  It has really helped me feel good and has helped to keep me from snacking.  I also received my protein powder a couple of days ago.  I am not sure how I feel about it yet and need to find some good mixtures for drinking it.  I bought the orange creamsicle flavor and it mostly just tastes like vanilla with the tiniest hint of orange.  Which sucks because I love citrus flavored drinks.  But I have found that one scoop of protein powder, plus one small carton of orange juice, one small carton of pineapple juice and one scoop of lemon lime flavored grass stuff seems to do the trick.  It actually tastes pretty good, but a little too sweet.   I will probably start adding some water to mellow it out and will continue with my crazy concoction brewing.

For my workouts, a couple of days ago I decided that I should incorporate sprints with iron mikes (lunges for you non-military types) to the tune of about 150.  My legs still hurt several days later.  I am planning to start a 5 day a week workout plan next week.  The plan is to do one long run a week (4-8 miles), one 3 mile run a week (for time), one workout dedicated to sprints, lunges, squats, calf raises, etc a week, and then one day of arms (pull ups, chins ups, push ups, tricep curls, chest presses, butterflies) and one day dedicated to abs. This will help me train not only for my PT test and getting a better run score, but it should also help me tackle the Army ten-miler here on Bagram in good time. I think getting into a schedule will help me and make it a little bit harder to skip workouts, because it will actually throw off my plans.  Here's hoping that provides me with some motivation, because I find it hard to motivate myself to work out, especially when I am working out alone.

Emotional: This week has been a roller coaster and I am not sure what else to say.  When I think of my current situation, I cannot help but wonder why relationships must be so complicated.  What is it about the human condition that makes us to prone towards drama and discord? Personally, I normally cut cords and run from these types of scenarios and people.  I am more than willing to be confrontational, but usually, if someone takes issue with me, I just let go an move on.  Honestly, you can ask most anyone from my past about this and they will probably acknowledge that I did it to them.  I am not one to stand and fight for a relationship that I am not sure can be saved, or I am not sure I want to have saved, or I am not sure is worth the effort to save.  This honest portrayal of myself has  lead many to describe me as cold.  I have very rarely fought for reconciliation.  I have very rarely felt the need to fight, to prove my love or my concern at all.

But thinking about that, I started thinking back and trying to remember a time when reconciliation mattered as much to me as it does now (apart from with my family and my husband, of course).  And oddly enough, the memory that came to me was back in first grade.  My best friend, Angel, and I had gotten into a fight.  It was picture day at school and my mom had insisted I wear a dress.  And with that dress came shoes that wouldn't easily stay on my feet and had no traction.  Which wasn't a big deal until it came time for recess.  You see, Angel and I's favorite games at recess generally revolved around chasing boys and "beating them up" (never anything serious, but we would catch them, they would get mad, call us a name, and we would kick them in the shins or do something to that effect, then run away and they would chase us back).  But in my shoes with no traction, I could not play our game that day, and for whatever reason, that meant that we could not be friends either.  But by the end of recess, my other friend, Becky, brought us back together and it was decided that I would be good to run the next day when I got to wear my normal shoes and life resumed as normal.  This fight is still vivid in my my mind, but even more vivid was our make up.  I can remember sitting on the curb with Becky in between us, trying to create peace and solve our problem.

I think back to that day and I cannot help but wonder why it cannot always be that easy.  Perhaps it is my immaturity in relationships, or maybe just life in general, but I am really at a loss for why everything seems so complicated.  Why do we make mountains out of molehills? And what do mountains really look like?  To me, those would always be big issues on a life threatening scale.  I am not even sure deployments look like mountains to me.  It probably did before I left, but after I stepped on that plane, I knew it was a molehill.  So what does a mountain in a relationship look like, especially amongst Christians?  I find that more frequently I see molehills where others see mountains and that tends to make me more dismissive of people's feelings.  I am not generally a very sensitive person and that becomes a mountain to some.  I don't really know what to do with those mountains, other than to pray that God would move them or that the other person would realize they are molehills.  But even if they are mountains, is the point to turn away from them, or to climb them?  Are we supposed to take them on with caution and care, knowing that we will grow and be strengthened, or are the risks much greater than the rewards?  But molehills aren't so small they are to be ignored either.  They can cause stumbling and should be dealt with cautiously.  But how do you deal with them cautiously? Do you avoid playing in an open field because there are a few molehills and you are afraid of falling? Or do you risk it as a chance to grow and learn? How do you make some complicated simple? And how do you show others that it is simple too?  And for me specifically, how can I show that I am willing to play within boundaries and that I am willing to take some risks, but with far more caution and a great deal of tenderness.  How do I show more concern for the feelings of another person over my own?  How can I love others best? And how do I continue to move towards reconciliation when I also feel like I am standing still and do not know how best to move?

Spiritual: Well, to put it lightly, God has answered me, but He hasn't answered my prayers. I am still waiting for answers to my specific prayers.  But God has also shown up and showed me that I am exactly where He wants me, doing exactly as He wants me to do.  I am slowly learning to listen as I pray.  I am slowly learning that prayer is not a one way list of demands, it is a conversation.  If all I am doing is talking and then moving on, how will I get any answers? How will I know when to move and when to stop?  And probably one of the biggest answers God has given me came the morning after I agreed to listen and to hear what God would tell me, a senior NCO (non-commissioned officer) in my unit came to me and told me that he was going to fast from meat for the next two weeks with me.  He says he woke up that morning and knew in his heart that that was the right thing to do.  I was moved to the brink of tears.  God called someone else to walk through this with me, and this person had enough faith that it didn't even matter to him that he doesn't know what I am praying for.  All he could say is that whatever it is, I must really want it a lot.  And that was good enough for him.  What faith?! What inspiration?! As I was struggling with God for Him to give me an answer to my prayers, here comes a guy that is willing to say, I don't even need to know what to pray.  I was so uplifted.  I was so relieved.  He and I have shared many meals together since then.  He still doesn't know what I am praying for.  And I am hoping to tell him once God has given me an answer.  He even went with me to the dining facility when our unit was having a fourth of July bbq, so that we could sit and eat rice and vegetables.  I am constantly reminded I am not alone.  But I still find myself desperately wanting the answers to my prayers more than I have wanted companions in my praying.  Maybe once I get my priorities straight I will actually get my answers.  Or maybe then I will just have more peace.  I do not know...

Afghanistan: Number 13

Mountainous views

So, it is a wonderful 3 something in the morning here in Afghanistan and I am awake, so I figure I might as well put this time towards something useful.  So here I am, post 13 week 17.  And, of course, here is my update in my usual format.

Physical:  So, with rocket attacks and everything else going on, PT hasn't been the priority I would like it to be this week. I did get a 6.25 mile in earlier this week, but my time was pretty terrible since I ran during a dust storm and crazy winds.  I have a PT test next week and I am hoping to do well, but I am guessing a 300 is out of the question.  Unfortunately, push ups seem to cause me a lot more pain in the shoulders than they used to and so I am going to have to figure out what's going on there.  I am still planning on doing the Army ten miler, but right now, I am focused on the twenty five meter target (i.e. my PT test).

Lovely Accommodations

Financial:  The only progress I have made in this area has honestly been helping some NCOs to make solid financial goals.  I am still having trouble finding a stock I want to invest in next but am content to wait until I find something I like.

Mental: Surprisingly enough, I have actually made some strides in my Lean Six Sigma project this week.  I have spent more time looking at my process and trying to understand the relationship between my variables.  So, for instance, looking at the relationship between length of travel time between FOBs or mileage between two, I would expected that we would see cost paid to the carrier go up (positive correlation).  I expect to see what they are carrying have little to do with how much they are paid (no correlation).  And perhaps if they are late to their destination that the pay would go down (negative correlation).  But this phase is really just me identifying ten different inputs individually against ten different outputs (thus 100 different relationships I would myself looking at).  Now, the goal is to run that data comprehensively through a program called minitab and see if the outcomes are what I expected them to be.  So hopefully, next week, I will be seeing some rewarded effort from that.

Spacious living quarters

Emotional: This week has been a train wreck.  For those of you that don't know, we had a rocket attack a few nights ago and 3 of the killed Soldiers were from one of the companies in my battalion.  They didn't deploy with us, but the are organic to us back at Fort Carson.  I didn't know any of the Soldiers personally, but I can say there has been a palpable change as people are realizing that just because we are on the FOB and don't travel in convoys doesn't mean we are actually safe.  All it takes is being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But I cannot sit here and pretend that this is what has me so down. The truth is, within the last day, I find myself losing my closest friend to a circumstance that I cannot control.  The weight of this blow has been crushing and at times, I feel like I cannot bear it's weight.  It makes me physically sick to think what has been lost and burdens my heart terribly.  Without trying to go into any detail, I find myself betrayed by my gender. I think if I had done something, screwed up in some way, that this would be an easier pill to swallow.  But instead, I get to experience a gender discrimination that I have known too well over the course of my life.  But I thought that the days of me wishing I was a male just to make the relationships I love easier would have stopped post my awkward teenage years.  I am past the days of wishing so immaturely for things to be easy, but why must it be so difficult?!

Spiritual:  Well, obviously the last category is going to have an impact here.  I don't know where to begin or what to say, except that forgiveness and healing come from the Lord.  At first, anger swelled because of pain and I cannot pretend that it did not.  But the only thing that beat my hatred was love, so I knew even in irrationality that it wasn't hatred I felt.  It was that moment when anger mixes with deep hurt and sadness and the only name I can give it is hate.  Perhaps it was something more akin to mourning, I don't know.  But at the end of the day, comfort comes from the Lord and peace is made known to those that know Him. My only solace is to cry out to Him and it has already helped me to let go of the anger and move towards peace.  The reality is that the only thing in this life that I deserve is death and hell and it is the only thing I have been promised not to receive.  I can be mad over the things I think I deserve or the sins I perceive to be against me, but I am not justified in my anger.  Bitterness is not something that happens to you, it is something that happens within you when you justify anger and resentment because of very real pain and hurt.  It is the point when you choose to live in the pain over healing because somehow, actually forgiving hurts more.

I find comfort from a verse that I saw so perfectly timed on facebook:
Psalm 34:18&19
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all

Afghanistan: Number 12

So here we are, in week 16.

As you may know, a lot has been happening here in Afghanistan. Mostly, we have moved half of my unit from Kandahar to Bagram.  As the plans officer in my battalion, this movement was mostly collaborated by myself and my boss, the operations officer.  There have been a lot of moving pieces and a lot of effort by many people and my shop has been working to make sure all of those efforts are in line with what the commander wants, tailored to best accomodate the mission and tweaked to fit everyone's preferences.  It has been busy, but we are here and our mission never stopped despite the movement of half the battalion. 

The living conditions here are much different than they are in Kandahar.  Kandahar had lots of space and hot dry weather (talking 115 during this past week).  Bagram is a balmy 90 degrees during the day, humid, cool at night and everyone lives in relatively close proximity to each other. There isn't much for privacy here and you never really are alone.  And with the weather being better, more Soldiers spend their free time outside than they did at Kandahar.  But aside from that, Kandahar looked like a dessert.  Most days, we expereinced some degree of a sand storm and it was hot and dry and brown.  There wasn't any grass and very few trees and green things.  Bagram is practically an oasis by comparison.  We are surrounded by beautiful snow capped mountains and there is grass and tress every where.  Everyone seems more light hearted here and I hope it lasts.

But on to my usual goal updating post:

Mental: My Lean Six Sigma projected is still going strong, but I am not so much.  I find it hard to get motivated right now as I am not entirely sure of my next steps.  I have measured all that I wanted to measure and need to have it run through minitab (program lean six sigma people use).  Our master black belt (instructor) did a first pass through my data, but we were in two locations and didn't talk before hand, so it doesn't accurately reflect what I am trying to measure.  But even still, analyzing the data will be much harder.  I know what my data is telling me, I just don't understand why.  For instance, if you are paying a contractor for a service and they fail to provide that service, you would expect that they wouldn't get paid, or they would only get paid for the service they provided.  But, from what I see in my data, they get paid about the same as if they had provided that service.  So I can tell there are things not happening the way I would assume that the would, I have to start explaining why.  And with almost 11,000 lines of data spanning about 50 columns worth of data, it is hard to start looking at individual pieces.  Probably because that sounds exhausting and I am feeling lazy. 

Emotional:  I find it hard to provide a solid update here, but I always feel that way.  I am finding better balance in my life here and am on a much better schedule work wise.  I am not working the crazy hours I was before and I have been trying to take more time to relax.  I feel better rested and at peace.  But on the other hand, I am hitting the slump of just wanting to go home.  I want to sleep in my own bed, with my husband's arms arround me and my puppies at my feet.  I want to eat the food I cook and wear the clothes I choose.  I have found that having more time to myself leads to more thoughts of home and I can tell by talking to Kevin, he is getting pretty burnt out on this whole deployment thing too.  We have been here for four months now with about five left to go.  I am definitely ready to see the half way point in the next couple of weeks and am hoping it goes fast after that.  I am trying very hard to live in the moment and not wish time away and have to remind myself of that pretty much every day.

Spiritual: So, I have been praying and reading my bible daily for over 100 days, almost 120.  I have found that this is the reason behind my joy and peace.  It is so relaxing to just stop and pray over my current situations, my family, my friends and my husband.  It keeps things in perspective to take the time each night to remember who God is, what He is capable of and what He has already done for me.  It is soothing to know that no matter where I go, I am never alone and no matter what I have or don't, I am never in need.  My cup overflowth and I find myself so blessed despite my circumstances.  I am blessed with a new found love for my Savior, a new appreciation for what he has done, a new perspective on my sin and a new joy that is based solely on him.  I am also blessed with good leadership, a hard working unit, and some pretty awesome new friends.

Financial: So, I currently don't own any stocks and haven't been doing any trading in the last couple of weeks.  Now that I am settled, I will probably start up again, but probably not with much vigor until the new iteration of earnings reports comes out.  I am currently sitting at a 20% profit on my intial investment, which is still pretty exciting.  I am wondering how much it will grow as I continue building it over time. 

Physical: Since arriving at Bagam, I have decided to run the Army ten-miler.    Normally, it is a race run every year in D.C., normally around Columbus Day weekend.  Since we clearly can't go to that, Bagram is hosting there own.  Ten miles is too easy and I could probably do that now, but not very fast.  My guess is that I could do it between and 9 and a 9:30 min/ mile pace right now.  My goal is to get that down to 8 min/ mile.  My friend, Jeremiah, is helping me train in the evenings.  We have run a couple of times in the last week.  The first run was 4 miles in 34 minutes (8:30 min/ mile).  Whenever I am not sure where my run time is, I start by running four miles.  Army standard is 4 miles in under 36 minutes for both males and females.  So even though I jumped about 4,500 ft in elevation when I moved to Bagram, I am still meeting the Army standard, so the rest is gravy.  The second night, we ran 3 miles in 24 minutes (8:09 min/ mile).  Other than that, I have been doing more yoga to help stretch out my legs and hips.  We also hit the gym for about 15 min of abs and upper body after each run.  I am expecting to see a lot of improvement and am happy to have a solid goal in front of me.