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| Mountainous views |
Physical: So, with rocket attacks and everything else going on, PT hasn't been the priority I would like it to be this week. I did get a 6.25 mile in earlier this week, but my time was pretty terrible since I ran during a dust storm and crazy winds. I have a PT test next week and I am hoping to do well, but I am guessing a 300 is out of the question. Unfortunately, push ups seem to cause me a lot more pain in the shoulders than they used to and so I am going to have to figure out what's going on there. I am still planning on doing the Army ten miler, but right now, I am focused on the twenty five meter target (i.e. my PT test).
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| Lovely Accommodations |
Financial: The only progress I have made in this area has honestly been helping some NCOs to make solid financial goals. I am still having trouble finding a stock I want to invest in next but am content to wait until I find something I like.
Mental: Surprisingly enough, I have actually made some strides in my Lean Six Sigma project this week. I have spent more time looking at my process and trying to understand the relationship between my variables. So, for instance, looking at the relationship between length of travel time between FOBs or mileage between two, I would expected that we would see cost paid to the carrier go up (positive correlation). I expect to see what they are carrying have little to do with how much they are paid (no correlation). And perhaps if they are late to their destination that the pay would go down (negative correlation). But this phase is really just me identifying ten different inputs individually against ten different outputs (thus 100 different relationships I would myself looking at). Now, the goal is to run that data comprehensively through a program called minitab and see if the outcomes are what I expected them to be. So hopefully, next week, I will be seeing some rewarded effort from that.
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| Spacious living quarters |
Emotional: This week has been a train wreck. For those of you that don't know, we had a rocket attack a few nights ago and 3 of the killed Soldiers were from one of the companies in my battalion. They didn't deploy with us, but the are organic to us back at Fort Carson. I didn't know any of the Soldiers personally, but I can say there has been a palpable change as people are realizing that just because we are on the FOB and don't travel in convoys doesn't mean we are actually safe. All it takes is being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
But I cannot sit here and pretend that this is what has me so down. The truth is, within the last day, I find myself losing my closest friend to a circumstance that I cannot control. The weight of this blow has been crushing and at times, I feel like I cannot bear it's weight. It makes me physically sick to think what has been lost and burdens my heart terribly. Without trying to go into any detail, I find myself betrayed by my gender. I think if I had done something, screwed up in some way, that this would be an easier pill to swallow. But instead, I get to experience a gender discrimination that I have known too well over the course of my life. But I thought that the days of me wishing I was a male just to make the relationships I love easier would have stopped post my awkward teenage years. I am past the days of wishing so immaturely for things to be easy, but why must it be so difficult?!
Spiritual: Well, obviously the last category is going to have an impact here. I don't know where to begin or what to say, except that forgiveness and healing come from the Lord. At first, anger swelled because of pain and I cannot pretend that it did not. But the only thing that beat my hatred was love, so I knew even in irrationality that it wasn't hatred I felt. It was that moment when anger mixes with deep hurt and sadness and the only name I can give it is hate. Perhaps it was something more akin to mourning, I don't know. But at the end of the day, comfort comes from the Lord and peace is made known to those that know Him. My only solace is to cry out to Him and it has already helped me to let go of the anger and move towards peace. The reality is that the only thing in this life that I deserve is death and hell and it is the only thing I have been promised not to receive. I can be mad over the things I think I deserve or the sins I perceive to be against me, but I am not justified in my anger. Bitterness is not something that happens to you, it is something that happens within you when you justify anger and resentment because of very real pain and hurt. It is the point when you choose to live in the pain over healing because somehow, actually forgiving hurts more.
I find comfort from a verse that I saw so perfectly timed on facebook:
Psalm 34:18&19
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all
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