Alright, so here is my 14th post in my 19th week. By far, this has been the worst week of the deployment, but I can say it is getting better constantly. Where there has been hurt, there has also been healing and I thank God He doesn't leave us in isolation. This week has been a constant reminder that He is in control, I am not, and that is the way it should be.
Physical: One bright light in my dark week is that I maxed out my PT test yesterday morning. This is the first time I have maxed my PT test in my new age bracket, so I am really happy. I did 46 push ups (then stopped because I reached the max), 98 sit ups and ran two miles in 14:56, which is just 6 seconds shy of my fastest time ever. I am hoping to continue improving and see how close I can get that time to 14:00, as well as continuing to train for the Army ten-miler in October. I have gotten some good running tips from people and I am hoping with some help, I can reach my goals. I also weighed in at 130 lbs, which is pretty much the lightest I have been in the last three years. I haven't been trying to lose weight at all, but since my first weigh in a couple of months ago, I have lost 7 pounds. I guess I am excited about that, but mostly I don't care. If this had happened a year ago, I would be ecstatic. But I gave up caring and realized that all I want is to be healthy, regardless of what the scale says.
Aside from that, I have started to be more aware of the things I put into my body. I have started drinking amazing grass drinks to supplement my diet. They are low in calories, but high in fruits and vegetables. I usually drink between one and three a day depending on how I am feeling. I have also ordered some protein powder to help supplement the amount of protein I am taking in. I am not looking to bulk up at all, but with my increase in exercise, especially distance running, I am not sure that my current protein intake fits my future need. Plus, I am taking glucosamine-chondrotin, vitamin D, a pro-biotic and daily multi-vitamin to increase my overall health, and especially my joint health.
Mental: So I have made some progress on my lean six sigma project, but I am waiting for it to be run through mini-tab. I am trying to get as far as I can on the things I need help with before our instructor goes on R&R in the next couple of weeks. My goal is really to get caught up. I am also trying to help plan some of the next phases in our operation at work and am expecting work to pick up a bit here during the next week or so. I have also been reading two books that I am really enjoying. One is called "Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert" which brings mind-blowing simplicity to complicated church doctrine. The other is called "The Circle Maker" which has already greatly affected my prayer life.
On a different note, I am currently in the wake of some potentially big career moves. To put it lightly, I am contemplating going for some really hard, but really cool jobs within my field. It runs the risk of deploying again (perhaps even right away), but I think it would be very difficult, and thus, very rewarding. But I am not giving anything away until I have the chance to talk to my branch manager about my future and where I want to go.
Financial: No new updates here. I have been watching the market and am glad I haven't found anything to invest in right now. I am still planning to invest, but I am waiting until something hits me. The stocks I bought into that made me the most definitely stuck out to me moreso than the ones that didn't. So I am patiently waiting for the stocks that jump off the page and not investing just to invest.
Emotional: Oh jeez, I barely know where to start on this one. I guess what I should say here is that I am drained. I feel so spent emotionally that I can barely think of how I am feeling. I find myself moving forward in the same love and kindness that I had before towards those around me. I still find myself in Christ's joy despite my pain. Where I do struggle is towards those back home. I find that many want to talk about the Soldiers that died here last week and I find that irritating, to say the least. The words they choose to "comfort" me seem to lack any understanding of who I am or why I am here. The deaths brought out a fear in people back home and I do not know how to deal with it. Yes, that could have been me. But it wasn't. And I am not afraid that next time, maybe it will be. I volunteered to be here, I love my job, I love being in the Army, and I am proud to be serving. Even when I want to be home, I don't hate it here. I have wanted to be in the Army since August 2001. I was twelve years old. This has been where I have wanted to be for half my life. I do not regret it, not for a minute.
Spiritual: How do I open this bag? God has been doing a great work in my life. I am closer to Him now than I have probably ever been before. After last weeks debacle, I felt God's pull telling me not to let go, but to give everything over to prayer. Which I did.... but impatiently and without faith. I tried to continue to influence the situation. I tried to force growth and understanding. I wanted things to be in my own time and not God's. I made things significantly worse. I forgot, or perhaps, hadn't yet realized a fundamental truth; "It is better to be wrong on an important subject than right on a trivial one, as long as you are willing to learn from your mistakes." (Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert). I was at my wits end. And yet, I still felt called to not let go. On my face before the Lord, I cried out in prayer asking to be able to let it go. To not stay near to the thing that brought me pain. I wanted to be able to put the emotion away, as it was taxing and draining. I wanted to just let it all go. And yet, I still felt the answer was no. Stay put. Hold fast. Pray harder. As I read more about who God is and what He expects, my prayer life has changed dramatically. As I am called to pray, I am also currently called into a fast unlike anything I have ever experienced. It is indefinite. And I am waiting for God to perform a miracle. I am waiting for Him to resurrect something that, from where I am standing, looks dead.
I am asking God for reconciliation. At the moment, I want nothing more than to talk to the wife of my friend. I have much to apologize for, and unfortunately, when I actually still had the opportunity, I did not take it. To experience healing, I know there must be confession and, if possible, reconciliation. The door to just go to her has pretty much been shut. But I still remember what God has called me to. Matt 5:23-24 makes it clear, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." I know my desire for reconciliation is a desire to do what God has called me to, but I am trying to be patient at the same time. I am trying to be respectful, and give both her and God time. I am torn between "Go and be reconciled to them" and being loving through patience. I am trying to give God time to work, and I am actually praying that she would come when she is ready. I have much to apologize for, which I will not go into for the sake of airing someone else's laundry, but I have much forgiveness to ask. I had the chance to show meekness and humility and I definitely blew that. I am hoping for the chance to try again. And when I say that I am hoping, I mean that I am praying fervently for God to work a miracle that is completely within His power to do, acknowledging that everything is to happen within His timing and at His call, expecting that He will show up and move mountains, but accepting that the answer may be no.
I have never before been so close to praying "without ceasing". I pray when I first wake up and as my last thoughts before I fall asleep. I pray in the shower and before every meal. I pray during my meals. I pray when I am walking to my meals (I find that these are some of the changes because of my fast). I pray during work. I pray during exercise. I am praying constantly that God will move and reconciliation will happen, all to His glory and a show of His power. I can say, from where I am standing, my request is a miracle of resurrection, because, by definition, it cannot and will not happen apart from Him. Our friendship will not come back without His power to heal. Beause "With God, there is no big or small, easy or difficult, possible or impossible... He has no beginning and no end. To the infinite, all finites are equal." (The Circle Maker)
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| The ingredients |
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| Yes, I drink this. And yes, it tastes awful. |
Aside from that, I have started to be more aware of the things I put into my body. I have started drinking amazing grass drinks to supplement my diet. They are low in calories, but high in fruits and vegetables. I usually drink between one and three a day depending on how I am feeling. I have also ordered some protein powder to help supplement the amount of protein I am taking in. I am not looking to bulk up at all, but with my increase in exercise, especially distance running, I am not sure that my current protein intake fits my future need. Plus, I am taking glucosamine-chondrotin, vitamin D, a pro-biotic and daily multi-vitamin to increase my overall health, and especially my joint health.
Mental: So I have made some progress on my lean six sigma project, but I am waiting for it to be run through mini-tab. I am trying to get as far as I can on the things I need help with before our instructor goes on R&R in the next couple of weeks. My goal is really to get caught up. I am also trying to help plan some of the next phases in our operation at work and am expecting work to pick up a bit here during the next week or so. I have also been reading two books that I am really enjoying. One is called "Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert" which brings mind-blowing simplicity to complicated church doctrine. The other is called "The Circle Maker" which has already greatly affected my prayer life.
On a different note, I am currently in the wake of some potentially big career moves. To put it lightly, I am contemplating going for some really hard, but really cool jobs within my field. It runs the risk of deploying again (perhaps even right away), but I think it would be very difficult, and thus, very rewarding. But I am not giving anything away until I have the chance to talk to my branch manager about my future and where I want to go.
Financial: No new updates here. I have been watching the market and am glad I haven't found anything to invest in right now. I am still planning to invest, but I am waiting until something hits me. The stocks I bought into that made me the most definitely stuck out to me moreso than the ones that didn't. So I am patiently waiting for the stocks that jump off the page and not investing just to invest.
Emotional: Oh jeez, I barely know where to start on this one. I guess what I should say here is that I am drained. I feel so spent emotionally that I can barely think of how I am feeling. I find myself moving forward in the same love and kindness that I had before towards those around me. I still find myself in Christ's joy despite my pain. Where I do struggle is towards those back home. I find that many want to talk about the Soldiers that died here last week and I find that irritating, to say the least. The words they choose to "comfort" me seem to lack any understanding of who I am or why I am here. The deaths brought out a fear in people back home and I do not know how to deal with it. Yes, that could have been me. But it wasn't. And I am not afraid that next time, maybe it will be. I volunteered to be here, I love my job, I love being in the Army, and I am proud to be serving. Even when I want to be home, I don't hate it here. I have wanted to be in the Army since August 2001. I was twelve years old. This has been where I have wanted to be for half my life. I do not regret it, not for a minute.
Spiritual: How do I open this bag? God has been doing a great work in my life. I am closer to Him now than I have probably ever been before. After last weeks debacle, I felt God's pull telling me not to let go, but to give everything over to prayer. Which I did.... but impatiently and without faith. I tried to continue to influence the situation. I tried to force growth and understanding. I wanted things to be in my own time and not God's. I made things significantly worse. I forgot, or perhaps, hadn't yet realized a fundamental truth; "It is better to be wrong on an important subject than right on a trivial one, as long as you are willing to learn from your mistakes." (Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert). I was at my wits end. And yet, I still felt called to not let go. On my face before the Lord, I cried out in prayer asking to be able to let it go. To not stay near to the thing that brought me pain. I wanted to be able to put the emotion away, as it was taxing and draining. I wanted to just let it all go. And yet, I still felt the answer was no. Stay put. Hold fast. Pray harder. As I read more about who God is and what He expects, my prayer life has changed dramatically. As I am called to pray, I am also currently called into a fast unlike anything I have ever experienced. It is indefinite. And I am waiting for God to perform a miracle. I am waiting for Him to resurrect something that, from where I am standing, looks dead.
I am asking God for reconciliation. At the moment, I want nothing more than to talk to the wife of my friend. I have much to apologize for, and unfortunately, when I actually still had the opportunity, I did not take it. To experience healing, I know there must be confession and, if possible, reconciliation. The door to just go to her has pretty much been shut. But I still remember what God has called me to. Matt 5:23-24 makes it clear, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." I know my desire for reconciliation is a desire to do what God has called me to, but I am trying to be patient at the same time. I am trying to be respectful, and give both her and God time. I am torn between "Go and be reconciled to them" and being loving through patience. I am trying to give God time to work, and I am actually praying that she would come when she is ready. I have much to apologize for, which I will not go into for the sake of airing someone else's laundry, but I have much forgiveness to ask. I had the chance to show meekness and humility and I definitely blew that. I am hoping for the chance to try again. And when I say that I am hoping, I mean that I am praying fervently for God to work a miracle that is completely within His power to do, acknowledging that everything is to happen within His timing and at His call, expecting that He will show up and move mountains, but accepting that the answer may be no.
I have never before been so close to praying "without ceasing". I pray when I first wake up and as my last thoughts before I fall asleep. I pray in the shower and before every meal. I pray during my meals. I pray when I am walking to my meals (I find that these are some of the changes because of my fast). I pray during work. I pray during exercise. I am praying constantly that God will move and reconciliation will happen, all to His glory and a show of His power. I can say, from where I am standing, my request is a miracle of resurrection, because, by definition, it cannot and will not happen apart from Him. Our friendship will not come back without His power to heal. Beause "With God, there is no big or small, easy or difficult, possible or impossible... He has no beginning and no end. To the infinite, all finites are equal." (The Circle Maker)
