Afghanistan: Number 20

Ok everyone, I know I have missed a couple of posts.  To put it shortly, the theme of my last couple of weeks is exhaustion.  I have never felt before like I do now and I cannot think of anything comparable to it.  All I can say is that when I get back home, I might just sleep for a whole week.  On, that note, I plan to keep this short and direct.  So here is post 20, week 25 (ish... I am not really sure anymore).

Financial:  So I currently own two stocks and both are doing well.  The one is sitting at about 10% gain and is climbing slightly.  The other, is near, if not over, 25% gained.  The latter actually climbed even higher than that recently and then fell slighting, but is climbing back up.  I am interested to see how high it is going to go. And don't intend to sell right away.

Mental:  So, not really much progress on my lean six sigma project, but I have been helping someone else out with theirs.  I am not really sure how I got dragged onto their team, but they got a short suspense and needed the help.  As difficult as it has been, I am glad to help out a friend and I know it helped relieve some of their burden, so I don't mind so much.  Though there have been moments when I wanted to gouge my eyes out after staring at powerpoint slide for days on end, I'd like to think I did some good.  And unfortunately, it isn't done yet.  But it is close. But for now, I am slowly starting to shift back to my own project.  I am hoping to knock out my measure and analyze phases in the next couple of days and our final exam is coming up in about a week.  It will be good when I can focus on my project and not have to worry about class anymore.

Emotional:  It has been crazy busy over here and I feel like I have been running 100 mph.  I am completely exhausted and feeling quite spent.  To put it lightly, I am feeling burnt out.  I have been traveling and working non-stop for probably close to two weeks on a mammoth project that was briefed to a two star general on Saturday.  Unfortunately, it isn't done yet either and so there is still more to do.  But with the brief, the work and the traveling, I just feel completely out of energy.  And when that gets tied in with the crazy drama my unit is currently experiencing (but that I cannot go into), it just leaves me feeling like I have been hit by a freight train.  I don't think I have ever been so tired before.  And the thing that helps me get through that is the people in my unit.  My friends and coworkers here have been such a relief to me.  Being able to sit and chat and joke and laugh in the midst of sheer exhaustion as been very comforting.  I cannot say that it makes the work load feel worth it, but it is definitely what gets me through.

Physical: This has fallen to the wayside during my traveling and working the last couple of weeks.  I am hoping to return to a more normal schedule now that I am back in Bagram, but we shall see.  I need to find a more consistent schedule and get my butt outside and run more.  On the up side, the weather is calming down and it is more pleasant to run.  On the down side, I am tired and don't feel like going.  I still am hoping to do the Army ten miler in October, but I need the pace in my life to slow down a bit first.

Spiritual: While I have maintained the ability to read my bible twice a day, this past couple of weeks has been destructive to my quiet times.  The long hours just nugging away in front of a computer took their toll and I am hoping that now that I am back in Bagram, I might be able to get some solid sleep and reset myself.  Unfortunately, I am feeling spiritually very weak, just like I do in every other area of my life right now.  I feel like I lack the emotional capacity to handle my exhaustion and that it is seeping into every area of my life.  I pray daily for strength and drive but I can hardly find it.  The worst part of my day is waking up and dragging myself out of bed. I'd love to end this with something witty or inspiring, but I have got nothing.  I am still here and feel like a balloon with a slow leak that is just about out.  We are going home in two months but I cannot give thought to anything past today without feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.  Hopefully, the next couple of weeks will slow down and I will find my strength renewed.  I have heard that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I am now contemplating if it is possible to walk away without being hardened and changed. 

Wife: Our Engagement Story

So, today is my four year engagement anniversary.  Now, I am not normally a sappy person, but I figured it might be fun instead of doing my normal post this week, to share with you guys the story of how Kevin proposed to me.  Below, you can read our version of the events, each from our own perspective written the next day.  I have not edited this story since August 14, 2009.  And for the record, my husband forever set the standards high!

Our Story

Engagement Night

Her perspective

So, I guess the story kind of begins this past Sunday when Kevin got back from Jamaica after his mission's trip. He said this Thursday was special, or something of that sort. Thursday was in fact our 11 monthiversary (as Kevin called it) but we hadn't really celebrated any other month. So at that point I kind of got suspicious. But at the same time, it was a Thursday night and we both had to work the next day and Kevin's best friend was going to be in town one night only, so I wasn't really counting on it at all. That day, Kevin and I emailed each other throughout work about our evening plans. Kevin planned the whole evening and didn't tell me anything about it. He made some offhanded comment about possibly having    reservations and maybe he'd bring me flowers. At that point, I became more suspicious, but had decided that maybe if he showed up at my door with flowers, I would let myself dare to hope. He did in fact show up at my door with flowers. There were two of them that he had picked outside his work 2 hours prior. They were dead. My hope was pretty much dead as well. The we walked into the kitchen where my Dad was. I knew that Kevin had told all of my parents the night he intended to propose. My Dad was also leading Amplify (our church's adult singles bible study) later that evening, which Kevin usually attends. My Dad turned to Kevin and said "I see you are not going to amplify tonight, loser!" And I immediately thought, "Well, Dad didn't know Kevin was skipping amplify... can't be tonight." We leave the house and Kevin says that he did in fact make dinner reservations, however they were not until later (slightly to my disappointment since I was starving) and that he wanted to show me something first. He took me up to Grand View Drive to a beautiful spot where you can see the Illinois River for miles. Before we got out of the car he said he had a story to tell me and I had to listen to the whole thing. We went and sat on the bench and we opened up this journal he had written for me from "my perspective" over the course of the summer. See, I worked as a camp counselor and I had decided early on that I wouldn't keep a journal over the summer, even though I wanted to, since I wouldn't have time. Kevin decided that he would keep one for me. So every day this summer, he wrote down the high lights and even some of the low spots from this summer. Some of the stuff, I never thought, nor would I have ever said. But he added his colorful embellishments to make me smile. Other times, he wrote down exactly what I had thought and said; in fact, there were times I interjected with my thoughts and he would read the next line and it would be verbatim. And every week this summer, Kevin sent me a one page long poem in the
mail. I thought that they were just individual poems to brighten my week. He included them in this journal he had made. And when he got to August 13th, he actually wrote down all of the things that were going to happen that day. He included in this portion of "my writing" that I finally realized it was in fact, one big poem, and not several smaller ones. He then read them all together and came to the spot where I had thought it ended. At this point, he said, "I have written more." All throughout the poem, he spoke of how much he loved and wanted to marry me. And these last few verses were no different. He stood up and by that point, I had pretty much checked out. By the end of the poem, he
had fumbled around, pulled out the ring shakily, was down on one knee, and for the last line said, "Candice Carnahan, will you marry me?" At this point, without even seeing the ring, I said "yes." I don't actually remember this but Kevin told me what I said, because I had completely checked out and was totally floored. I hugged him. And then actually looked at the beautiful ring and put it on. And as we were leaving, he kissed me for the first time ever, and called me his fiancee. I was, at this point, completely floored. I had no clue what to think or say. In fact, I almost ran into his car I was so floored. I have since found out that this poem was broken up into different parts. Each part focused on some attribute of myself that Kevin adores. He focused each part on how it relates to our marriage and what it will bring to it. I never got the hint at all and never realized it until he showed me all of the poems with each poem labeled with its focus the next day.
Then we went to this beautiful restaurant in Peoria Heights called Seven. We walked in the door and Kevin turned to the manager and said, "I believe you have reservations for me." He never gave his name or anything. And then the guy just said of course and took us back to this booth. As we were walking up to it, I saw a little present sized bag on the table. And as we got closer, I saw my disciplor/ bible study leader from school, Megan, and her husband, Erik, (they just got married on
Aug 1st) and was once again completely floored. I loved that they were there and it couldn't have been more perfect. They stayed for a bit and gave us a book that helped them out during their engagement. We told them the story to some degree and got to share with them how happy we
were. There was also a beautiful full bouquet of fragrant flowers, which were much prettier than the dead ones he had showed up at the door with.
After awhile, they left and we had dinner together. I was so excited I was no longer hungry. I ended up only had a few bites of my food (fillet mignons with garlic mashed potatoes mmm...). I couldn't hardly eat anything at all. As we left the restaurant, we got stopped by several people asking what the occasion was and asking to hear the story. So, here it is...

Engagement Night

His Perspective

(Written by Kevin the day after)
I’m engaged now! Yesterday I was very anxious all day and couldn’t eat breakfast as a result. Work seemed to drag on forever also…it never seemed to end! I randomly decided to pick some wildflowers to give to Candice when I picked her up. It helped me perpetuate the idea that this was just a special night (our eleventh monthiversary in fact) but not too special. I really wanted her to be surprised! By the time I made it to her house they were dead, drooping, and shriveling... really quite pathetic looking. This was disappointing, but Candice never expected her proposal evening to start with dead flowers! While we were at her house her dad called me a loser for skipping Amplify (bible study)! That helped me surprise Candice also. :) Candice knew that her parents knew when I was going to propose and she thought her dad was being serious… In the end she had her suspicions but given it was a Thursday and we are both working she still didn't know for sure.
We drove up to Peoria Heights. I wanted to drive all the way up Grandview Drive but ended up taking a wrong turn. After a few corrections and guesses, we made it to the scenic point with the parking and picnic spot up on the hill. It was beautiful! I was afraid it was going to be too hot, but it was shaded with a nice breeze, absolutely perfectly cool and wonderful! Then I told her that we were early and had awhile to wait for our reservations. I told her that I really wanted to tell her a story. So I grabbed the journal and we went and sat on the bench over-looking the river.
As I started reading she realized what I had done with the journal. She was surprised and loved it! The journal was very quirky and corny in a lot of places but she laughed a lot and was very happy. A few times she would make a comment about something, and then the next line in the journal was exactly what she had just said! She certainly realized what was happening as I kept reading. A few times she couldn't even look at me... but she was still paying attention! She was also surprised that I put all those stickers in it! The journal also had a lot of quirky grammar issues and spelling issues that made it that much more perfect and Kevin-esque. As you can tell I’m not a great writer.
At the end of the journal I finished it with an entry from August 13th... that day! In that entry, I explained things in present tense like she was just realizing them as she was! Perfect! Things like "Now I know why he was so tired all the time." I spent many late nights trying to finish everything and of course she knew nothing about it! She also had no idea that all the poems were one big poem about her and the many reasons that I love her.
I finished it all by restating all of the poems in order and ending with 9 extra lines in which I proposed. As I said the last line, I couldn't find the ring in my pocket! With tears coming, I proposed. She barely glanced at the ring as she said "yes" and hugged me. At this point we were both (I thought, she refutes this point!) quite openly crying. We probably hugged for 30 seconds, 1 minute, 5 minutes, I don't really know. After that, still openly crying and chin trembling, I said "You still haven't looked at the ring!" I picked up the forgotten ring off of the bench and she put it on. Perfect fit!
I told her that I loved her and carried her to the observation point, skirt and all! We (or maybe just me) were still crying... saying that we loved each other. At thus point it was already 7:30. As we walked to the car I decided to kiss her. That was not part of my original plan. I then called her my fiancee for the first time, after I kissed her for the first time! She almost ran into the car after that! Perfect!
We drove to a parking lot behind the restaurant and parked. She didn't know where we were or where we were going. I walked her to the strip and into Seven on Prospect, a Cosmopolitan Grill. As I walked up to the manager, Joe, he looked and smiled. I said, "I believe you have a reservation for me." Without saying my name he nodded and walked us, slowly and carefully, to our booth.
And then Candice realized that Megan and Erik (close friends from U of I) were hiding in our booth waiting for us! There was also a large bouquet of lavender and white flowers. The look on Candice's face was priceless. For the next 15 minutes she barely said anything except for "wow" and nervous laughter. She just gazed into my eyes in the most loving manner. She was very surprised and very thrilled that Megan was there. They gave us a book about marriage by John Piper. Candice was very surprised and distracted and could not concentrate on anything for a length of time. Between the proposal, kiss, ring, being called fiancee, flowers, Megan & Erik, she had a lot going on that she couldn't process! :) Perfect!
The waitress gave us about 20 minutes to get settled and to order. Candice finally got around to telling Megan the story. It was a great time of joy, laughter and happiness.
We finally ordered. Fillet Mignon medium-rare for Candice. Chicken and goat cheese for me! First we had some bread, warm and crispy on the outside, warm and soft on the inside with and awesome olive/antipasto topping!
The food was delicious and the calling/texting of people had begun! Erik took a photo of Candice's ring on her hand for us. Candice called her mom first and texted Heather the first picture. I called home, talked to Dad as Mom wasn’t home just then. Candice was starving when we left her house early in the evening but she only had two or three bites of her meal! I guess she had a lot on her mind right then… By that time all my surprises were over and I was certainly hungry and ready to eat.
We took some pictures at the restaurant and I spilled lemonade all over myself. Megan and Erik had to go drive down to Champaign so they left early and did not eat. While we were leaving, I stopped the manager and thanked him very much for all his help, in the middle of the restaurant. As people noticed the huge bouquet of flowers, the conversations around us slowly stopped and the looks on people's faces slowly changed from curiosity to wonder as they realized what had happened earlier tonight! After walking out, some random guys saw the flowers and asked what the occasion was. So we told them and they were very interested in the story! Afterwards one of the guys asked for Candice's name. It turns out that two of the guys knew Rob, her step-father. We finally got back to the car and drove to Amplify to meet Jill and Aaron. Jill took the flowers and our leftover food back home for us. We ended up catching Jill outside the building and Candice told the story for the 3rd time of the night.
Then we went inside and talked to Aaron along with some of Aaron’s friends and Amplify leaders (including my bible study leader). Story telling #4 was to Aaron (her father) and that group. Then I stepped over to officially introduce Candice as my fiancee to several of my peers and friends that were in the same room. Since it was a loud room filled with people, they didn’t hear the story. So Candice was able to tell the story for a fifth time to our group of friends there. Some of my friends were in Morton that evening and I wanted to catch them that night also, so we left soon after that.
As we left for Morton, I carried Candice outside and that got some stares and another "congratulations!" from some women on the street. On the way to Morton, I called Stephanie and let Candice talk to her for #6! Then I call Michael and told him all about it. Mom called me while we were at the Waterhouse (Amplify). I went to Jordan’s mom’s house and he gave me two bear hugs; one for me and one for Candice (he didn’t know if it was appropriate to hug Candice). #7 was to Justin and Jordan. That was the last one that evening.
I was emotionally, physically and in every way exhausted after leaving the restaurant. As you now know we still saw many other people throughout the night and did a lot of driving. After getting back to Candice’s house (back in Peoria) around 11:45, we laid down for a while together. I fell asleep. Perfect!
Here is a list of things that I didn’t plan on but made the night that much better:
Wildflowers – more specifically dead wildflowers
Aaron’s comment about me skipping Amplify
Missing the Grandview drive turn
Grammar errors and misspellings in the journal
Crying
Kissing
Carrying Candice in a skirt
What I said to the manager
Garlic mashed potatoes in a wine glass
Spilling lemonade all over myself
Megan and Erik’s gift
Random people that stopped and talked to us!

Afghanistan: Number 19

My MSG calls this the "gated community"

Ok everyone, so I know I have been a couple of days behind recently.  But this has been my trend this whole deployment.  I think my first posts were on Mondays and I seem to have worked my way to Saturdays, which may be my new normal.  Who knows?  But regardless, here is my new post in my same old boring way.  Post 19, week 22.

Mental: Lean Six Sigma and I have actually had a pretty good week.  I sent my data in to get my initial run through the software and am waiting for the results from that.  I ran through my define template and got that posted, which included by SIPOC (supplier input process output customer) map and got some ideas done for what my customer and what the business wants.  I have been working on my process map and am probably near a 75% solution on that.  Once I finish that up and get my initial data measurements back, I will wrap up my measure phase and turn that in.  I am expecting to have that done within the week and then move on to analyse my data.  After that, it is just making some improvements, doing another measurement and then finalizing my controls.  Some I am happy with the progress I have made and feel like I am actually gaining ground and momentum. 

Physical:  My workouts have been steady and I am definitely progressing.  This morning, I ran 6 miles in 51:30  which averages just over an 8:30 pace, which is perfect because my goal is to do ten miles (for the army ten miler in October) at at least an 8:30 pace.  I need to add a little bit more to my workouts though.  I need to add biking so that I can focus on my heart rate, at least until I get a heart rate monitoring watch.  I need to focus on spending longer period at 85% of my maximum heart rate and slowing down to not less than 65% which means trying to stay around 170 and not dipping below 130.  (To calculate target heart rate, take 220- your age and multiply by 50% to 85%.  This is the range most often recommended by sports medicine people.  They say if you are just starting out, aim 50-65%, fairly active people should aim for 65-75% and very active people should aim for 75%-85%.  I am aiming towards 85% to help increase my cardiovascular endurance.  I want my lower limit to be 65% because I want to make sure I am maximizing my workouts.  And I round up to the nearest ten, because whole numbers are much easier to remember).  So, my goal is to at least once a week do: a run over five miles (gradually increasing towards ten), a 2.5 mile run (.5 mile warm up), sprints day (focusing on distance, time, or heart rate), bike day (focusing on heart rate over time), abs day and upper body day.  We shall see how this goes.  It should become easier as this is my last day fasting from meat and will be enjoying some fish and lean protein being added back into my diet.

Financial: Well, the stock I own hit 10% gain this week, but it is still trending up.  I am expected it to gain at least 20% for me and will probably keep it a fair while longer than that.  It is a tech company with a good product and few competitors, so I (and the analysts) are still predicting it to trend up.  It's looking pretty good and I am satisfied.  I didn't buy the stock I mentioned last week because I realized I didn't want to buy another stock to hold.  Instead, I am very carefully watching another stock.  I was hoping it would drop recently, but it keeps going up.  Their earnings report comes out on 12 AUG and their EPS is around 2.7.  It looks like a good company and I may just have to suck the egg and buy at a higher price than I had originally intended.  It looks like it is also going to go up though, so I will still turn a sizable profit on it.  But we will see what this week holds. 

Emotional:  I don't have much of an update on this one.  I still am feeling very tired, and my wonderful doctor gave me a few tips as to why that might be.  All in all, it is a mixture of the environment and my change in diet.  It is probably a good reflection of not getting enough protein and eating more carbs.  The goal is to switch from that to more lean meat and vegetables, less refined grains and sugars.  This will probably be as close to a "paleo" diet as I will ever get, because I love my processed foods.  But I also understand that I need to correct the imbalance I have likely made so that I can start feeling better,  Thankfully, the protein thing will change tomorrow.   So if that's the issue, then hopefully I will be less tired.  I am ready to wake up easier and not be exhausted by all the normal things that I do.
But I am finding myself ready to go home and be with my husband more and more.  Normally, I don't think about it much because then it makes everything else harder, but I have found that it creeps into my mind more and more recently.  We are trying to plan a vacation, but I have been very burnt out on planning.  I am mostly just ready to get home and don't care much about what happens when I get there, except that I cannot wait to cook my own food! 

Spiritual: I have been doing well at reading my bible and praying both morning and night.  I feel like I have really been growing during my time of fasting (officially 40 days without meat!) but am ready  to return to my normal.  I think that fasting will become a more regular occurrence in my spiritual life and am very grateful both for what it has taught me about myself and also for what it has taught me about God.  I am in a better place in so many ways and am so thankful for my experiences the last 40 days.  It has made me stronger and more dependent at the same time.  Except now, instead of dependency on others to make me happy or scratch my intellectual itch or work out with or entertain me, I rely on God.  Where before I found comfort in others, now I find comfort in the Lord.  I have always had peace, but I am starting to finally understand "peace that surpasses ALL understanding."  I have experienced far less anxiety and worry than I have in years past.  It might seem like apathy to some, but really, it is about knowing that I am not in control, I never was and that's ok.  Worrying will not add a second to my life but it will certainly take away many if I let it. 

I am planning a mini-blog series that covers some quick bible study topics that you can go over with those that are new to Christianity, or might even serve as evangelical tools.  I will be writing them in conjunction with my studying for my time with my new disciple.  My plan is to have some five-ten minute study tools that focus on some surface level topics. That way they can spark conversations that take us where she needs to go, not just where I am trying to lead.