Financial: So I will start with the most boring of my updates. I still am not investing in any new stocks. I am finding the market to be a little fickle this week and am not interested in any particular stocks. Again, I hope by the end of the month, something worthwhile catches my eye. But we shall see.
Mental: So, my Lean Six Sigma projected wasn't really taking off because there was nothing in my process to control. Or at least, nothing in my process for me to control. And that is very important for Lean Six Sigma because that is they way we determine if our improvements have been effective and if we actually made our process more efficient. So, I am back to square one. I am completely starting over with a new project in mind. Instead of caring about container movements, I will be looking at how we have created standardization in our Forward Retrograde Elements and how we have minimized shipments around Afghanistan. This was one of my planning efforts in May, so I have already put a lot of the work in, I just didn't do it through Lean Six Sigma and I need to now. That means re-gathering old data and look at trends before, during and after improvements.
I am also pursuing other career options outside of my unit. I have spoken with my commander regarding the matter and I have his support. Now he will take my request to our brigade commander and we will see what his answer is. I am curious to see how this will go and how things will land. I have many reasons for seeking a new job, but I do not think it is time to share them yet. I am sure it will come up within the next few blog posts, but for now, it will continue in discussions with my husband and with my leadership. But in an attempt to not leaving anyone hanging, nothing bad has happened and I am in no way a disgruntled Soldier asking to leave my unit.
Physical: So, I am still drinking about 1-2 green drinks a day. It has really helped me feel good and has helped to keep me from snacking. I also received my protein powder a couple of days ago. I am not sure how I feel about it yet and need to find some good mixtures for drinking it. I bought the orange creamsicle flavor and it mostly just tastes like vanilla with the tiniest hint of orange. Which sucks because I love citrus flavored drinks. But I have found that one scoop of protein powder, plus one small carton of orange juice, one small carton of pineapple juice and one scoop of lemon lime flavored grass stuff seems to do the trick. It actually tastes pretty good, but a little too sweet. I will probably start adding some water to mellow it out and will continue with my crazy concoction brewing.
For my workouts, a couple of days ago I decided that I should incorporate sprints with iron mikes (lunges for you non-military types) to the tune of about 150. My legs still hurt several days later. I am planning to start a 5 day a week workout plan next week. The plan is to do one long run a week (4-8 miles), one 3 mile run a week (for time), one workout dedicated to sprints, lunges, squats, calf raises, etc a week, and then one day of arms (pull ups, chins ups, push ups, tricep curls, chest presses, butterflies) and one day dedicated to abs. This will help me train not only for my PT test and getting a better run score, but it should also help me tackle the Army ten-miler here on Bagram in good time. I think getting into a schedule will help me and make it a little bit harder to skip workouts, because it will actually throw off my plans. Here's hoping that provides me with some motivation, because I find it hard to motivate myself to work out, especially when I am working out alone.Emotional: This week has been a roller coaster and I am not sure what else to say. When I think of my current situation, I cannot help but wonder why relationships must be so complicated. What is it about the human condition that makes us to prone towards drama and discord? Personally, I normally cut cords and run from these types of scenarios and people. I am more than willing to be confrontational, but usually, if someone takes issue with me, I just let go an move on. Honestly, you can ask most anyone from my past about this and they will probably acknowledge that I did it to them. I am not one to stand and fight for a relationship that I am not sure can be saved, or I am not sure I want to have saved, or I am not sure is worth the effort to save. This honest portrayal of myself has lead many to describe me as cold. I have very rarely fought for reconciliation. I have very rarely felt the need to fight, to prove my love or my concern at all.
But thinking about that, I started thinking back and trying to remember a time when reconciliation mattered as much to me as it does now (apart from with my family and my husband, of course). And oddly enough, the memory that came to me was back in first grade. My best friend, Angel, and I had gotten into a fight. It was picture day at school and my mom had insisted I wear a dress. And with that dress came shoes that wouldn't easily stay on my feet and had no traction. Which wasn't a big deal until it came time for recess. You see, Angel and I's favorite games at recess generally revolved around chasing boys and "beating them up" (never anything serious, but we would catch them, they would get mad, call us a name, and we would kick them in the shins or do something to that effect, then run away and they would chase us back). But in my shoes with no traction, I could not play our game that day, and for whatever reason, that meant that we could not be friends either. But by the end of recess, my other friend, Becky, brought us back together and it was decided that I would be good to run the next day when I got to wear my normal shoes and life resumed as normal. This fight is still vivid in my my mind, but even more vivid was our make up. I can remember sitting on the curb with Becky in between us, trying to create peace and solve our problem.
I think back to that day and I cannot help but wonder why it cannot always be that easy. Perhaps it is my immaturity in relationships, or maybe just life in general, but I am really at a loss for why everything seems so complicated. Why do we make mountains out of molehills? And what do mountains really look like? To me, those would always be big issues on a life threatening scale. I am not even sure deployments look like mountains to me. It probably did before I left, but after I stepped on that plane, I knew it was a molehill. So what does a mountain in a relationship look like, especially amongst Christians? I find that more frequently I see molehills where others see mountains and that tends to make me more dismissive of people's feelings. I am not generally a very sensitive person and that becomes a mountain to some. I don't really know what to do with those mountains, other than to pray that God would move them or that the other person would realize they are molehills. But even if they are mountains, is the point to turn away from them, or to climb them? Are we supposed to take them on with caution and care, knowing that we will grow and be strengthened, or are the risks much greater than the rewards? But molehills aren't so small they are to be ignored either. They can cause stumbling and should be dealt with cautiously. But how do you deal with them cautiously? Do you avoid playing in an open field because there are a few molehills and you are afraid of falling? Or do you risk it as a chance to grow and learn? How do you make some complicated simple? And how do you show others that it is simple too? And for me specifically, how can I show that I am willing to play within boundaries and that I am willing to take some risks, but with far more caution and a great deal of tenderness. How do I show more concern for the feelings of another person over my own? How can I love others best? And how do I continue to move towards reconciliation when I also feel like I am standing still and do not know how best to move?
Spiritual: Well, to put it lightly, God has answered me, but He hasn't answered my prayers. I am still waiting for answers to my specific prayers. But God has also shown up and showed me that I am exactly where He wants me, doing exactly as He wants me to do. I am slowly learning to listen as I pray. I am slowly learning that prayer is not a one way list of demands, it is a conversation. If all I am doing is talking and then moving on, how will I get any answers? How will I know when to move and when to stop? And probably one of the biggest answers God has given me came the morning after I agreed to listen and to hear what God would tell me, a senior NCO (non-commissioned officer) in my unit came to me and told me that he was going to fast from meat for the next two weeks with me. He says he woke up that morning and knew in his heart that that was the right thing to do. I was moved to the brink of tears. God called someone else to walk through this with me, and this person had enough faith that it didn't even matter to him that he doesn't know what I am praying for. All he could say is that whatever it is, I must really want it a lot. And that was good enough for him. What faith?! What inspiration?! As I was struggling with God for Him to give me an answer to my prayers, here comes a guy that is willing to say, I don't even need to know what to pray. I was so uplifted. I was so relieved. He and I have shared many meals together since then. He still doesn't know what I am praying for. And I am hoping to tell him once God has given me an answer. He even went with me to the dining facility when our unit was having a fourth of July bbq, so that we could sit and eat rice and vegetables. I am constantly reminded I am not alone. But I still find myself desperately wanting the answers to my prayers more than I have wanted companions in my praying. Maybe once I get my priorities straight I will actually get my answers. Or maybe then I will just have more peace. I do not know...
