Afghanistan: Number 16 (50th Blog Post)!

Me and my boss eating in the DFAC

Alright everyone, it's that time of the week again.  Time for another update from Afghanistan.  I am in my twenty-first week here and am also excited that this is my fiftieth blog post!   I can't tell if that's a lot or a little for less than a year of blogging.  I hope I have enough to say to get me to 100 posts, though I have recently realized that I am a very talkative introvert, so I am sure I will have no problems there.

Mental: So, I haven't been doing much on my lean six sigma project.  With our instructor on R&R, I don't think it has really been on anyone's mind much.  I still have to pretty much start from scratch on my project and I have done a little bit of data capturing, but aside from that, not much progress at all.  I have finished a couple of books (Secret Confessions of an Unlikely Convert and The Circle Maker- both of which I loved!) and am onto a new book.  I am now reading a new book called "In a Pit with a Lion On a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson, who is the same author as The Circle Maker.  It has been very invigorating to read more every day and I enjoy the intellectual stimulation I find generally lacking.

Financial: So still no investing recently.  Hopefully this week I will find a stock I want to buy.  There are more earnings reports coming out at the end of the month so I am thinking I should find something in the next couple of weeks.  Here's hoping!

Physical:  Well, this week has been full of set backs when it comes to work outs.  In Bagram, they have had us wearing our full kit during Ramadan.  That means wearing our individual body armor with plates and our kevlar helmets.  It's heavy and cumbersome.  And the first couple of days we had to wear it whenever we went outside.  This really meant no running and we had to wear our stuff to the gym.  So... my motivation plummeted a bit.  But now we only have to wear it during hours of darkness, so I will be resuming my workouts tomorrow.  On the plus side, I have finally found a concoction that tastes good but looks disgusting.  Its a mixture of orange juice, pineapple juice, water, a scoop of berry green drink, a scoop of lemon lime green drink and a scoop of orange dreamsicle protein powder.  It has about 32 grams of protein and only 4 grams of fat.  I am not really doing it as a meal replacement, just a meal supplement.  Even when I am eating meat, I tend to not get enough protein.  So that is why I started doing this.  Plus, I never get enough fruits and vegetables.  Regardless, this actually tastes good and is filling, so I am going to stick with it.  My intention is to keep up with it even when I get back home to Fort Carson.

Emotional: Another week, another roller coaster.  I know I have written about it much in the last few weeks and months, but I still struggle with the idea of being a good wife while I am in Afghanistan.  As I am less than two weeks out from my wedding anniversary, I cannot help but reminisce on things back home.   This will be my third anniversary and the third one that I have missed because of the Army.  Kevin and I are still close, but there is so much we cannot talk about because a. time does not allow, b. both of our jobs rely heavily on dealing in classified environments or c. because it's just not understandable when you don't know the people involved.  I miss having him to debate theology with, vent to, discuss complex ideas, tackle our future plans and just plain old have married people conversations.  One of my favorite things about Kevin is that he is very intellectually stimulating and I enjoy pretty much every single conversation we have.  As I woke up this morning and went to open my bible, I remembered that back home, when Kevin and I got up, we would go down stairs to our couch, snuggle up together under the blankets and both read our own bibles and then pray together over the day.  At night, he would read a chapter from the old testament to me while we were in bed and then we would pray together and go to sleep.  Even though I am living the basically the same schedule, it is really not the same without Kevin near.  He was probably a lot of my motivation before, because I enjoyed doing these activities with him and I enjoyed his company.  Now I do them alone and it makes me a little sad.  I was explaining to my boss the other day that though I swear a lot out here, I don't with Kevin.  People find it odd, and those that are out here with me seem to think it is unbelievable.  Especially when I tell them I don't have to try not to.  It may seem crazy, but whenever I talk to God (through prayer) or to my husband, I don't have to try not to swear, those words just never come to my mind.  And the reason is that because they both give me such peace that is pacifies my thoughts and makes them less vulgar. Now, I am working on not swearing, but it makes me realize how little I open my marriage up to those I work with.  I do not want them to see the vulnerability I have in my husband's presence.  That somehow, them knowing that I desire to be a submissive and peaceful wife will make them see me as something less.  Being with Kevin extinguishes the needless fires the Army creates.  The Army wants a killer, but being with Kevin makes me more into a pacifist.  And it is nothing he does; he is just soothing to my soul.  It is one of the biggest reasons I married him.  He calms me down, evens me out and makes me a more self-controlled and rational individual.  I have never met another man who has had such a great effect on my life, aside from the one I met hanging on a cross as a ten year old kid in a church basement during vacation bible school.  It is somewhat funny to me when anyone suggests that I would want to be with anyone else.

Another piece to my emotional state has been that I have found out that my request to leave my current unit is being granted.  There are a couple of possibilities for my new unit but it will still be on Fort Carson.  My brigade commander has approved it as well as my battalion commander, so I know it is so.  Without going in to too much detail, the gist of the story is such.  I am not dissatisfied with my current unit, nor my branch.  However, I have only seen one side of my logistical branch and to make any sort of informed decision about whether or not to stay in or get out, I need to see more.  It is not with any certainty at all that I will stay in, and it is still leaning the other way.  But so long as I am considering it, I need to have as many facts as possible. I really enjoy being in the Army.  Everyone I have met, both officers and enlisted, have told me multiple times that if I stay in, I will go far and will be very successful.  So, it is being considered.  Kevin and I still have much to talk about and I still have two years before any decisions need to be made.

Spiritual:  This functional area of my life has caused me much grief and joy over the past week or so.  In terms of just theology, I found in my reading some verses in 1 Samuel 18, 19, 20 and 22 discussing a covenant friendship.  This, to me, was a new type of covenant.  I had never heard of a covenant between friends before and the idea pretty much consumed me.  I spent a lot of time studying it and considering what it might be and what it might look like.  I have many conclusions on the matter and plan on blogging about it topically very soon.

I am have been fasting for over two weeks now and in the last week have changed the way I arrange my spiritual life.  I am now devoting the first hour of my day to the Lord.  I wake up an hour earlier than I need to and spend the first part reading a few chapters from my bible and recording verses that stick out to me. I then make a list of everything and everyone I want to pray for and spend whatever is left of the hour (usually 30-40 minutes) praying over the verses that stuck out, any theological content from my reading that didn't make sense, and my long list of prayer requests.  Along with my fasting, I pray multiple times during the day.  I am still in a place of hoping for healing and reconciliation between myself and two people very dear to my heart.  I am not going to quit fasting nor praying until God grants me an answer on the matter, but I Have given it over to Him.  The reality is, this battle is His, not mine and thus the glory belongs to Him and not to me.  I am not moving from my position because I am waiting on the Lord.  He will move when He is ready.  And I am trying to embrace in my heart a spirit of patience and a movement of my prayer from "as soon as possible" to "as long as it takes."  I have already accepted the Lord's will for my life, whatever that may be.  I am completely at peace with getting an answer of "no." But what I find myself struggling with is the Lord's timing.  I am not a patient person by nature nor trade.  I don't care what the answer is, I just want it now.  Which isn't how God works and He doesn't seem to keen towards my petty demands of timing that is most convenient for me.  I am sure He will continue to break that down in me over time, but for now, I just keep trying to remind myself "as long as it takes."  I am also ending my evenings by reading and then praying.  At night's when I pray, I actually fully writing them out, which I started doing when I first got here.  The funny thing to me though is that my prayers definitely get longer and more full of life when I look at them over time.  My prayer's when I first got here were generic and lifeless. This reflected my prayer life on the whole.  I didn't pray often nor intently.  Now I pray frequently and fervently. It is a habit I hope makes it back to the states with me because I know it has grown me a lot.  God is changing my heart and making me a more loving person.  He has a lot of work ahead of Him, to say the least. As do I.

Afghanistan: Number 15

Alright, so I am officially in my twentieth week in Afghanistan, which means we are definitely more than halfway done.  I feel like that fact should be more exciting to me than it is.  But I find it hard to think of home when I know we still have a lot of time left.  But at least it is on the down slope.  Hopefully it will feel like it is going fast, though I am choosing not to wish time away.  This weekend, my family is actually traveling out to Jackson, WY to see a musical my sister is assisting in directing and my Dad is in.  I know they are all very excited as they are approaching opening night, and I am praying it goes well for them.  I definitely wish I could be home to see this!

Financial: So I will start with the most boring of my updates.  I still am not investing in any new stocks.  I am finding the market to be a little fickle this week and am not interested in any particular stocks.  Again, I hope by the end of the month, something worthwhile catches my eye.  But we shall see.

Mental: So, my Lean Six Sigma projected wasn't really taking off because there was nothing in my process to control.  Or at least, nothing in my process for me to control.  And that is very important for Lean Six Sigma because that is they way we determine if our improvements have been effective and if we actually made our process more efficient.  So, I am back to square one.  I am completely starting over with a new project in mind.  Instead of caring about container movements, I will be looking at how we have created standardization in our Forward Retrograde Elements and how we have minimized shipments around Afghanistan.  This was one of my planning efforts in May, so I have already put a lot of the work in, I just didn't do it through Lean Six Sigma and I need to now.  That means re-gathering old data and look at trends before, during and after improvements.

I am also pursuing other career options outside of my unit.  I have spoken with my commander regarding the matter and I have his support.  Now he will take my request to our brigade commander and we will see what his answer is.  I am curious to see how this will go and how things will land. I have many reasons for seeking a new job, but I do not think it is time to share them yet.  I am sure it will come up within the next few blog posts, but for now, it will continue in discussions with my husband and with my leadership.  But in an attempt to not leaving anyone hanging, nothing bad has happened and I am in no way a disgruntled Soldier asking to leave my unit.

Physical: So, I am still drinking about 1-2 green drinks a day.  It has really helped me feel good and has helped to keep me from snacking.  I also received my protein powder a couple of days ago.  I am not sure how I feel about it yet and need to find some good mixtures for drinking it.  I bought the orange creamsicle flavor and it mostly just tastes like vanilla with the tiniest hint of orange.  Which sucks because I love citrus flavored drinks.  But I have found that one scoop of protein powder, plus one small carton of orange juice, one small carton of pineapple juice and one scoop of lemon lime flavored grass stuff seems to do the trick.  It actually tastes pretty good, but a little too sweet.   I will probably start adding some water to mellow it out and will continue with my crazy concoction brewing.

For my workouts, a couple of days ago I decided that I should incorporate sprints with iron mikes (lunges for you non-military types) to the tune of about 150.  My legs still hurt several days later.  I am planning to start a 5 day a week workout plan next week.  The plan is to do one long run a week (4-8 miles), one 3 mile run a week (for time), one workout dedicated to sprints, lunges, squats, calf raises, etc a week, and then one day of arms (pull ups, chins ups, push ups, tricep curls, chest presses, butterflies) and one day dedicated to abs. This will help me train not only for my PT test and getting a better run score, but it should also help me tackle the Army ten-miler here on Bagram in good time. I think getting into a schedule will help me and make it a little bit harder to skip workouts, because it will actually throw off my plans.  Here's hoping that provides me with some motivation, because I find it hard to motivate myself to work out, especially when I am working out alone.

Emotional: This week has been a roller coaster and I am not sure what else to say.  When I think of my current situation, I cannot help but wonder why relationships must be so complicated.  What is it about the human condition that makes us to prone towards drama and discord? Personally, I normally cut cords and run from these types of scenarios and people.  I am more than willing to be confrontational, but usually, if someone takes issue with me, I just let go an move on.  Honestly, you can ask most anyone from my past about this and they will probably acknowledge that I did it to them.  I am not one to stand and fight for a relationship that I am not sure can be saved, or I am not sure I want to have saved, or I am not sure is worth the effort to save.  This honest portrayal of myself has  lead many to describe me as cold.  I have very rarely fought for reconciliation.  I have very rarely felt the need to fight, to prove my love or my concern at all.

But thinking about that, I started thinking back and trying to remember a time when reconciliation mattered as much to me as it does now (apart from with my family and my husband, of course).  And oddly enough, the memory that came to me was back in first grade.  My best friend, Angel, and I had gotten into a fight.  It was picture day at school and my mom had insisted I wear a dress.  And with that dress came shoes that wouldn't easily stay on my feet and had no traction.  Which wasn't a big deal until it came time for recess.  You see, Angel and I's favorite games at recess generally revolved around chasing boys and "beating them up" (never anything serious, but we would catch them, they would get mad, call us a name, and we would kick them in the shins or do something to that effect, then run away and they would chase us back).  But in my shoes with no traction, I could not play our game that day, and for whatever reason, that meant that we could not be friends either.  But by the end of recess, my other friend, Becky, brought us back together and it was decided that I would be good to run the next day when I got to wear my normal shoes and life resumed as normal.  This fight is still vivid in my my mind, but even more vivid was our make up.  I can remember sitting on the curb with Becky in between us, trying to create peace and solve our problem.

I think back to that day and I cannot help but wonder why it cannot always be that easy.  Perhaps it is my immaturity in relationships, or maybe just life in general, but I am really at a loss for why everything seems so complicated.  Why do we make mountains out of molehills? And what do mountains really look like?  To me, those would always be big issues on a life threatening scale.  I am not even sure deployments look like mountains to me.  It probably did before I left, but after I stepped on that plane, I knew it was a molehill.  So what does a mountain in a relationship look like, especially amongst Christians?  I find that more frequently I see molehills where others see mountains and that tends to make me more dismissive of people's feelings.  I am not generally a very sensitive person and that becomes a mountain to some.  I don't really know what to do with those mountains, other than to pray that God would move them or that the other person would realize they are molehills.  But even if they are mountains, is the point to turn away from them, or to climb them?  Are we supposed to take them on with caution and care, knowing that we will grow and be strengthened, or are the risks much greater than the rewards?  But molehills aren't so small they are to be ignored either.  They can cause stumbling and should be dealt with cautiously.  But how do you deal with them cautiously? Do you avoid playing in an open field because there are a few molehills and you are afraid of falling? Or do you risk it as a chance to grow and learn? How do you make some complicated simple? And how do you show others that it is simple too?  And for me specifically, how can I show that I am willing to play within boundaries and that I am willing to take some risks, but with far more caution and a great deal of tenderness.  How do I show more concern for the feelings of another person over my own?  How can I love others best? And how do I continue to move towards reconciliation when I also feel like I am standing still and do not know how best to move?

Spiritual: Well, to put it lightly, God has answered me, but He hasn't answered my prayers. I am still waiting for answers to my specific prayers.  But God has also shown up and showed me that I am exactly where He wants me, doing exactly as He wants me to do.  I am slowly learning to listen as I pray.  I am slowly learning that prayer is not a one way list of demands, it is a conversation.  If all I am doing is talking and then moving on, how will I get any answers? How will I know when to move and when to stop?  And probably one of the biggest answers God has given me came the morning after I agreed to listen and to hear what God would tell me, a senior NCO (non-commissioned officer) in my unit came to me and told me that he was going to fast from meat for the next two weeks with me.  He says he woke up that morning and knew in his heart that that was the right thing to do.  I was moved to the brink of tears.  God called someone else to walk through this with me, and this person had enough faith that it didn't even matter to him that he doesn't know what I am praying for.  All he could say is that whatever it is, I must really want it a lot.  And that was good enough for him.  What faith?! What inspiration?! As I was struggling with God for Him to give me an answer to my prayers, here comes a guy that is willing to say, I don't even need to know what to pray.  I was so uplifted.  I was so relieved.  He and I have shared many meals together since then.  He still doesn't know what I am praying for.  And I am hoping to tell him once God has given me an answer.  He even went with me to the dining facility when our unit was having a fourth of July bbq, so that we could sit and eat rice and vegetables.  I am constantly reminded I am not alone.  But I still find myself desperately wanting the answers to my prayers more than I have wanted companions in my praying.  Maybe once I get my priorities straight I will actually get my answers.  Or maybe then I will just have more peace.  I do not know...